User talk:Macmaclee/sandbox

Really great article! I can't find anything to add that hasn't already been mentioned below, but like you mentioned on your article it may be a bit wordy or academic for younger audiences. There are a few areas where you can break up a longer sentence into two, specifically areas with a semicolon. You just need some very minute edits, lots of great references and no errors.

Good job!

Zombiesatemyneighbors (talk) 16:12, 20 November 2014 (UTC)

Hi there, this is a highly informative page! It is clear that you were mindful of the pertinent information regarding youth! Therefore, my job is rather simple! I will offer minor suggestions following Abbey’s Powerpoint presentation she delivered in class recently, as well as Dr. V’s suggestions.

Lead section I think the sentence starting with “Past government policies in South Africa…” is very long. Can you condense this information or split it into 2 sentences? Further, I would eliminate all transitional words, such as "Although", and "for example". I appreciated the inclusion of disabled youth and their exclusion, this is valuable. However, you discuss it in two different section. Can you combine this information in the employment section?
 * Dr. V told me, “we don’t compare and contrast on Wikipedia”. She was describing information regarding same information from different sources. She made this suggestion in regards to my assumption to do so with past and present policies for Nigeria. With that, I would eliminate the UN’s definition of youth, leaving the National Youth Commission Acts information. As a reader, I thought, which one should I assume is accurate? Further, I would link human capital. Most readers do not have a clear understanding of the term since it is sociological.

Education

Maybe just say “Scholars associate unemployment as the largest issue that youth south African’s face. The word “opinion” seems to be a hasty generalization and rather bias. It tells me that the author questions these finding. Of course keep the citation to support your entry. Using the word "fortunate" to describe those who are gainfully employed is bias based on my understanding. I would just eliminate the word altogether.
 * Instead of stating the 2011 Census showed…you may want to just present the facts, the stats pertaining to successful completion rates. Maybe you could compare these stats to other youth completion rates versus the 80 year olds since the youth is the main focus. I think the 2011 Census contribution can be in the citation versus the actual article.
 * I liked how you used this comparison to white South Africans later in this section.
 * I would find a resource to support that "as education increases, employment increases". This line needs support, as this is a belief without facts to support it.
 * I would move up the line about “2/3 of youth between the ages of 18 and 35…” This is very important!

Employment/Unemployment Instead of stating the 2011 Census showed…you may want to just present the facts, the stats pertaining to succesful completion rates. Maybe you could compare these stats to other youth completion rates, for example the white South African (which you provided later) versus the 80 year olds since youth is the main focus. I think the 2011 Census contribution can be in the citation versus the actual article. I liked how you used this comparison to white South Africans. Considering moving this information up for comparison.
 * Maybe just say “Scholars associate unemployment as the largest issue that youth south African’s face. The word “opinion” (regarding scholars) seems to be a hasty generalization and rather bias. It tells me that the author questions these finding. Of course keep the citation to support your entry.
 * I would find a resource to support that as education increases, employment increases. This line needs support, as this is a belief without facts to support it.
 * I would move up the line about “2/3 of youth between the ages of 18 and 35…” This is very important!

Poverty


 * I would eliminate the first line altogether, move up the line with information about “young people are vulnerable to poverty” eliminating “particularly. I’d then state the percentage of the population living in poverty. Using "however" as a transition does not seem to be encyclopedic style of writing. It is hard for me to keep this in mind when I am writing!

Health


 * I think I would change this to Youth health risks and eliminate the HIV/AIDS heading entirely, simply starting a new paragraph. Keep the information of course because it is relative, but it is in fact health risk. Also, eliminate “moreover” and “despite this” as transition words. I don't think "arguable" is a good word to use either.

Thank you for considering my edits on your page. Your dedication to this project is clear in your work. Your sources are vast, you worked hard! A few minor adjustments and maybe running it by an ambassador of the class would be beneficial! Good luck, look forward to your final project! One final note…any thoughts on a picture? This a dilemma for me too. Perhaps a graph on education and employments rates is a start. User:hatigges


 * Great work, User:hatigges!!! These are fantastic suggestions - User:Macmaclee, with these, your draft will look great. Prof.Vandegrift (talk) 15:14, 11 November 2014 (UTC)