User talk:Mmeffo3/sandbox

Mmeffo3, please share feedback with Hmchapman -- I hadn't marked that your group was in both sections of the course so she didn't receive the email. Thanks! Transunicorn (talk) 16:46, 25 October 2015 (UTC)

Mmeffo3, your article looks great! Maybe consider adding some internal Wikipedia links to topics in your article, such as Jessica Valenti. You may also want to consider adding some citation to your first paragraph. I made a quick note of some parts of your article that you may also want to edit: ADLins (talk) 13:14, 27 October 2015 (UTC)
 * Third sentence in the first paragraph seems almost like an opinion (“best way”)
 * Sixth sentence in the first paragraph contains “you” twice
 * Seventh sentence in the first paragraph and the last sentence in the second paragraph contains “because” which is a temporary expression
 * The seventh sentence in the first paragraph seems to be an opinion: "women are viewed as the weaker individual". Maybe consider rewording
 * First sentence of the third paragraph, “this is not the case” is an opinion/stance
 * Last sentence is missing a second quotation at the end
 * Check your first citation

Mmeffo3, great article! Here are the suggetions I have!

•	Unless you can use a citation on the first sentence, it is too opinionated

•	“living life to the fullest...” in the first paragraph, is too broad of a statement

•	“would be the best way to define…” in the first paragraph, is too opinionated

•	“Rape schedules and the fear that demands them affect lives in more ways than one.” Should be changed to “Rape schedules, and the fear that demands them, affect lives in more than one way.”

•	I would give more specific examples of victims changing their lives

•	For this sentence, “When you think of the term “rape victim”, chances are that you most likely assume the victim is a woman as opposed to a man.” I wouldn’t use the term “you” because you cannot assume what others opinions are. I would change it to people or a more broad term

•	In the sentence that follows, I would not use “in today’s society”

•	Unless you can use a citation on the following sentence, it is too opinionated: Women are most often the victims, which triggers this fear among many women across the world.

•	I would add a citation after the first sentence of the second paragraph in order to insure that the reader understands that it is not a personal opinion.

•	“One might assume that only individuals that have fallen victim to rape are the only people that abide by these rape schedules, however, that is not the case.” This sentence needs to have a semicolon after schedules because as it is, it is a run-on sentence.

•	“There are many people in the world that have never been the victim, but yet are far from being carefree and are highly concerned with doing everything they possibly can to avoid a tragic instance, such as rape from occurring.” This sentence is very wordy and hard to understand. I would consider changing it to something along the lines of “Even those who have never been victim to rape are highly concerned with doing everything possible to avoid rape and other tragic occurrences.” It also needs a citation to prove that it’s not an opinion

•	“A particular quote by Jessica Valenti in her book Full Frontal Feminism, stated,” I would consider editing this sentence because it is wordy. A possible change could be something like,”In Full Frontal Feminism by Jessica Valenti, the author states,””.

•	I would review the article to insure that no opinions are given. There are also a couple of places where you can add links to other Wikipedia pages.

Vparsi1 (talk) 14:43, 27 October 2015 (UTC)

Mmeffo3 Emailed my comments to Professor Lair. Abbyh225 (talk) 14:51, 27 October 2015 (UTC)