User talk:Mohammed Tofa/sandbox

In the introduction you wrote- "African iron overload, also known as ("Bantu siderosis",or "Dietary iron overload"), is an iron overload disorder first observed among people of African descent in Southern Africa and Central Africa."- I think it will look better if you get rid of the parenthesis. I don't think you need themKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) "Excess iron intake is not the only cause, combination of excess iron and functional changes in ferroportin seems to be probable cause."- This should be two sentences or maybe you could put a word connecting the two. The comma makes it a run on sentenceKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) Oxidation should have a wiki link since it might not be common for everyoneKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) In mechanism you wrote- "SLC40A1 gene encodes for ferroportin, it is the main iron export protein."- This is a run on sentence. Breaking it up into two sentences will make it flow betterKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) "A mutation in SLC40A1 was detected in minority of African American and Native African with primary iron overload.[7] [6], but the ferroportin (Q248H) mutation"- I think you accidentally put a period and a comma after the word overloadKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) Exon should have a wiki linkKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) Allele frequency should have a wiki linkKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) Mean cell volume should have a wiki linkKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) "Ferroportin Q248H mutation in African families with dietary iron overload showed lower mean cell volume and higher ferritin concentration, it is suggested that the mutation might interfere with iron supply. [8]"- This sentence has too much information and would be better understood if it were broken upKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) Hepatic is not a term that a person without a biology degree would probably understand. Perhaps you can try to find a wiki link to it or just describe what it meansKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) Oxidative stress should have a wiki linkKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) Redox should have a wiki linkKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) Hepatocytes and lipids should have wiki linksKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) Peroxidation should have a wiki linkKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) Hepatocarcinogenesis should have a wiki link or a description if there is no wiki linkKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) Unsaturated fatty acids or fatty acids should have a wiki linkKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) Serum should have a wiki linkKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) In the diagnosis you wrote- "Elevation in ferritin concentration without elevation in transferrin saturation does not (I think you meant to write "play a" role an iron overload disorder, this combination can be observed in loss-of-function ferroportin mutation.[4]"- This should be two separate sentences so it can flow betterKvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC) In the prognosis, don't forget to write about what will happen to patients with this disorder in the future Kvalentin1 (talk) 20:55, 3 April 2014 (UTC)

The introduction of mechanisms and references are clear and concise. Some basic symptoms have been listed, but I want to know how the human body reflects these symptoms (vomit, fever, etc) and which one is the most serious. In the diagnosis and prognosis, I want to know the standard in the assay you could diagnosis the patient has African iron overload, how the disease affect the lifespan and the quality of life for patients.Starryheaven1988 (talk) 16:30, 8 April 2014 (UTC)

- I really liked the topic and the introduction part of the article!. Very nicely detailed and organized article. - I also liked the mechanism section and the link to the genetic aspect of the disease. - You also have very nicely organized reference section... awesome! - I would have liked more to see what are the actual signs for the disease... The symptoms you mentioned are all based on either lab or radiology tests. Are there any clear signs for this disease. - How is the patient represented to the doctor? what would he/she be complaining of? "Chief Complain" - Just a note on Prognosis... I did not see enough information in the section, I did notice that you put the most affected people in that section, and I would suggest that the information would look better if you placed it in the introduction section, because it explains more of the epidemiology of the disease. In the prognosis section, try to explain more the life style of the diseased patient. How would they deal with this issue after treatment... their life expectancy maybe? any danger on other body organs and systems? Mdgeorge85 (talk) 18:32, 8 April 2014 (UTC)

Sweiner02 (talk) 01:19, 9 April 2014 (UTC)
 * You're doing a great job on formatting, citing, and linking to other articles.
 * Make sure to edit carefully. I'm seeing a lot of grammatical issues and phrasing issues.
 * Your intro makes it a little hard to separate out the fact that it's not totally dietary.
 * I really like the way you separate out your mechanism with subheadings and a short intro
 * Obviously you're still missing the recent research
 * Some of the things you list in symptoms aren't really symptoms, more like diagnosis signs