User talk:Mpastr1/sandbox

Assignment 1: Clarity and Grammar
I chose the Free Spirit (band) page. Overall, many of the sentences seem a bit choppy and don't flow together very well.

Under the History section there were a couple of specific things I found:

"Originally formed in the mid-nineties, the original members of Free Spirit are Sami Alho, Pasi Koivumäki along with Bass player Sami Hämäliäinen, a day one band member. After changing three of its six members, the musical director of the band saw a dramatic change. The current line-up was developed from 2006 until 2008."

The first sentence mentions 'originally' twice. On the second sentence it should say the original members 'were' not 'are' since it is mentioned the line-up has changed. Also on the second sentence, I assume they meant to say the 'musical direction' instead of the 'musical director.'

"In 2011 the album was released for the video games; Rock Band 2 and 3."

there should be a colon instead of a semicolon after video games.
 * Approved! Josef Horáček (talk) 21:09, 7 February 2015 (UTC)

Assignment 2: Sources
The article I will be working on is on Economic water scarcity. Mpastr1 (talk) 21:51, 9 February 2015 (UTC)
 * Fabulous! I see you already found some great sources. Josef Horáček (talk) 05:10, 10 February 2015 (UTC)
 * All your sources look good. Josef Horáček (talk) 00:40, 17 February 2015 (UTC)
 * You found some excellent sources and added lots of good new info into the article. There may be a bit too much emphasis on possible solutions to the problem in the writing you added (rather than just describing what the problem is), but perhaps as the article grows, other users will place that info into a separate section. Also, your writing needs to be copyedited. For example, this sentence: "Although much emphasis is put of improving water sources for drinking and domestic purposes, evidence suggests that much more water is used for other uses such as bathing, laundry, livestock and cleaning than for drinking and cooking alone." Replace "of" with "on." Revise "used for other uses." Maybe say "other purposes"? Josef Horáček (talk) 02:43, 2 March 2015 (UTC)

Assignment 3: The Lead
I might work on the page paganism Mpastr1 (talk) 17:19, 20 February 2015 (UTC)

The lead of this article is not very long and it mostly focuses on the definition of the word paganism rather than giving an overview of what the entire article covers. It also very briefly describes some of the history but fails to really mention what the history section really features like for example how the term has been used through the ages. It also doesn't cover the section that explains where the word pagan came from and how it has evolved. The only other topic briefly covered by this lead is how it has evolved today so this lead just really needs to be expanded.
 * Nice choice. Your new lead look good, too. Some suggestions: 1. Avoid using "and/or." Just say "or." 2. Add an internal link to "non-Abrahamic" religion. Find the most appropriate article this could link to. Same for Hellene and Heathen (or is it heathen, lower-case?). Josef Horáček (talk) 02:48, 2 March 2015 (UTC)