User talk:Mswofford/sandbox

=Feedback=

Earthquake Activity
You start by saying that there has been increase in seismic activity in Iran and other surrounding middle eastern countries such as Pakistan, but your paper focuses on just Iran and Pakistan. Try to eliminate unnecessary clauses such as "and other surrounding middle eastern countries."

Pakistan and Iran "had" a combined total of 26 earthquakes. You might want to try a different word than had.

Within the first 13 years of the "21st" Pakistan and Iran. . . 21st century.

Tectonic Causes
The collision of these two plates "cause". . . Change to causes because collision is subject.

Need to explain more about the Makran region and the Sistan and Baluchestan Province and why they are important to your article, instead of just introducing them. Good use of the wiki links though, I was able to figure out what exactly those were by going to those pages, but I shouldn't have to do that and it loses me as the reader's attention.

Why does the plate subduct? Might be a good use of an image in future revision to help explain, but there still should be an explaination and possibly a wiki link in the article on subduction.

The Red Crescent
Organizations are not people, unless they are corporations and then corporations are only considered a person when in a court of law. The IFRC is a nongov organization "whose founding is post-WW1 at the 1919 Paris Peace Treaty." So focus on not refering to this organization as a who but instead as a it. Also, there is some tense confusion in this section of this sentence.

Might want to break the sentence about the 10 points on the IFRC code of conduct into 2 or more sentences, elaborating more on the 2 points you chose to include and why these points are important for later in the paragraph. I just got a little lost in the transition between this and the next sentence.

Little problem with a quotation mark at the start of your listing of the procedure. Also, if the IFRC has different procedures for different disasters, what are the procedures for dealing with an earthquake, and how did the IFRC help with this particular earthquake?

Scientific Preparedness
"While there is no way to accurately predict an earthquake" is a dependent clause and should be conjoined with the next sentence better.

Explain more about this experiment done by the San Andres Fault, for what reason? How? What are the emplications of such a discovery? Also definately include a citation with this sentence.

Work on your conclusion, add on to your section on scientific preparedness.

This section could also do with some wiki links.

Additional Notes
Need to work with citations throughout article.

Dpark29 (talk) 17:06, 24 October 2013 (UTC)

I am having a little difficulty understanding what the overall subject of your page is. Are you focusing on a specific earthquake or series of earthquakes or the increase in the number of earthquakes? Try to do more to connect the different sections of your page. Right now they seem disjointed, and more needs to be done to relate them to each other and to the subject of the page.

Take a look at some of your sentence structure and grammar. Some of it contains error and is difficult to read. For example, “While there is no way to accurately predict an earthquake. There have been some advances in predicting earthquakes.” These two clauses need to be combined by a comma. They are not individually complete sentences. They are part of a single idea. Take a look at some of your word choices. There are more accurate and concise ways to present some of these facts. The following sentences in particular need to be reviewed. "The International Federation of the Red Cross and the Red Crescent Societies is a nongovernmental organization whose founding is post-WWI at the 1919 Paris Peace Treaty talks. The IFRC has a code of conduct comprised of ten points, including not discriminating to those who receive their efforts and all cultures and costumes shall be respected." These sentences are awkwardly worded and contain grammatical errors making them difficult to read.

Also, you talk about the science of the earthquakes, but what sort of destruction was there in the area where this took place? Include the human element. How did it affect the human population? You talk about “Scientific Preparedness,” but is there information that you could include about the way that people in the area are preparing for the possibility of future earthquakes? What sort of safety methods exist? What sort of changes are being made because of these earthquakes? You mention the Red Crescent Societies, but there needs to be a direct link between their goals and procedures listed and the Sistan and Baluchestan earthquake. Directly apply the Red Crescent’s work to this particular situation and discuss how it affects the human populations in this area. There is information included about the cause of earthquake activity in the area, but is there any information or hypothesizes available on the reason for the increase in activity?

You have done a good job of keeping the page free of bias and including only the factual evidence, but make sure that your facts include links and references. You have done a good job so far of linking content within your page to other helpful Wikipedia pages. This provides the reader with a better understanding of some of the included content beyond the explanations you have given. Continue this. If you work toward answering these questions, correcting structure and grammar mistakes, making sure to add references for any factual evidence, and bringing your sections together to create a cohesive unit, your page should be successful. Rosamevel (talk) 17:25, 24 October 2013 (UTC)

B.J.Carmichael Feedback
Your peers have provided excellent feedback geared to aid in improving your contribution. Be sure to follow each suggestion. Overall, the information is presented in a neutral style, but the main topic is not clear, appropriate references to support ideas are missing, and sections need more specifics and further development. Watch for grammatical and structural mistakes. Be specific. For example, when discussing the boundary plates, indicate how these plates are defined. Perhaps link to the Wikipedia page on earthquakes and/or plate boundaries. Have there been other, more recent earthquakes to hit this area? The external links are great! Be sure to include additional links to Wikipedia pages. How is the Red Cross and Red Crescent connected to the Sistan earthquakes? This needs more connection. Please let me know if you would like assistance with reference formatting. By following this feedback, you should be in great shape to make a solid contribution. B.J.Carmichael (talk) 20:27, 5 November 2013 (UTC)