User talk:NSully83/sandbox

NSully83 Overall your article has good information and is coming along well so far. Once you put Wikipedia structure into your article I think it will be in better shape. Do you know how you plan on breaking it down? So far, I see sections developing on history, religious involvement, and political action /youth movements. I think it would be helpful to include numbers for the population in the end when you talk about males dominating literature of youth religiosity (How many youth overall in Senegal /Male:Female ratio, if possible) Looking over your sources, they all seem to be reliable and relevant to your article. Great work so far, I think your article has a good flow throughout with the topics covered thus far.

Kelly0327 (talk) 16:22, 1 November 2013 (UTC)

Peer feedback from Qwerty (moved from sandbox)
The writing throughout the whole article is understandable and clear. I think that the reader would have little to no problem learning about the Religiosity of Youth in Senegal without any previous education. I would say that using links to other articles would help. I noted two links, however think you could include some in the names of places such as Senegal and West Africa

The structure of your article flows well and each paragraph takes on from where the previous paragraph left off. The lead section intrigues the reader and overviews the article well. The lead paragraph could contain a sentence about the affects that religious youth movements have had on systems in Senegal e.g. political systems. You mentioned that you need a citation which I agree on.

The content of the article maintains the sociological approach and is primarily focused on religiosity of youth in Senegal. I think that comparing the religious component of Senegal with other similar countries in the world would give the article a more global approach. I think you could make the point that Islam is the most predominant religion clearer. This can be done in the lead section.

This article is definitely unique and is not similar to any other Wikipedia articles established. This article can be used as a good source of information and can be linked to and from other pages. You have cited your sources and know that an in-text citations are needed. Written by Ravi, transferred by Prof.Vandegrift (talk) 14:14, 2 November 2013 (UTC)

First Draft Feedback from Prof. V
This section, when included with the article you are translating, is an excellent addition to Wikipedia. It uses reliable, notable sources to expand understanding of trends in Senegalese religiosity by looking at trends in youth religiosity. The content is solid, although I would enjoy seeing rates of religiosity that would give readers a sense of how Senegalese youth compare globally, as well as how global religious currents are influencing youth. Is there a global or Pan-African Islamic influence relevant to what you are discussing? This [|source] indicates that less than one percent of the Senegalese population considers itself non-religious. That, to me, is notable.

The opening paragraph needs a clearer statement of the ongoing trend. Are the sources finding that youth are becoming more strict adherents to Islam than their parents and that religion is becoming more linked to politics? Some reorganization is needed. Please keep in the solid relevant information you have, but reorganize it to be more cohesive. The first three paragraphs contain two sets of ideas: some youth are less religious than previous generations (with some examples and discussion of alcohol and hip hop), while other youth are increasingly adherent to fundamentalist Islamic ideology and politics. Can you reorganize around these points? Also, the discussion of Y’en a Marre does not seem relevant given your framing of the topic. Can you imagine how to integrate it better or cut it?

There are several items that need citation, which I have noted.

Find way to create neutrality in tone. Can keep content, but needs to be spoken without bias and with evidence. For example, there is bias here: “this group created a lot of positive change for Senegalese youth, and promotion of many democratic values that had long been absent from youth political dialogue, it was viewed by society-at-large as quite deviant and radical upon its inception.”

Work hard to eliminate Western framing of religiosity. For example, this sentence: “As in other politico-religious contexts, it would be unproductive to generalize about youth as a category, as every individual makes personal choices about his or her daily life—including religious preferences.”  The sentence assumes rhetorics of choice and individualism. Please provide evidence of this perspective or work to rephrase.

Very solid references chosen – a truly impressive collection. I fixed the Villalon reference format. Also, work to clean up references and be sure to take time to integrate them into the reference list. Please look at Citing_sources to consider “establishing a link or ID number to help editors locate the source.” For journals, this is the wp:doi I have done one for you for the reference I fixed.

A very solid draft! On its way to an outstanding contribution! Prof.Vandegrift (talk) 15:19, 2 November 2013 (UTC)

Draft feedback
I've left some feedback for the current draft on your talk page. Gobōnobō + c 21:53, 19 November 2013 (UTC)