User talk:Nayyomii/New sandbox

Nicole draft feedback
Hi, Naomi! You've made a good start with this draft! Some pieces that stand out to me in it are:
 * it's great that you're thinking about incorporation/integration of new information into existing material
 * good connection to sources that are authoritative on this topic

Some things to think about as you continue your work on this article:
 * there are a couple of spots that veer probably too close to a "how to" article or a promotional/advertisement angle than an encyclopedia article. You will want to carefully review this to ensure a neutral tone throughout
 * it is also probably worth thinking about where and why to keep only some of this material in the lead and create a new section with some of it...and updating the lead to mention the key sections (for example, the photo book is its own short section in the body of the article, but there is no mention of it in the lead. Is this book a standard option for photopass? Some kind of upgrade or special package?)
 * what is the difference between "can also be used to access photos taken on the various rides and attractions throughout the parks" (from paragraph 1) and "guests can also link photos from select attractions" (from paragraph 3)?

I hope these notes are helpful, and I look forward to seeing the final version of this!Nicoleccc (talk) 05:16, 14 February 2019 (UTC)

Peer Review
Hi, Nayyomii!

I liked how you reorganized the lead section of the article; it makes the article flow better when reading it. The parts that you added were also written succinctly, with a neutral tone, and helped to broaden the information on the topic.

The one concern I had about your sources were that two of three were sourced from the Disney company; I don't know where else you would get good information on the topic, and they don't seem biased, but it is something to consider, as well as that one is a blog post (a source that wasn't recommended to reference).

Some minor grammar errors:
 * "Although it is possible to get a new card for each photography session, it is possible to to attribute new photos to the same card."
 * "Photographers also have the ability to scan a QR code directly from a the mobile app to link photos to the user's account."
 * "Guests can view or purchase PhotoPass pictures at locations in the parks (generally near the park entrance), online by registering the card's number or through Disney's two mobile applications: Disneyland, and My Disneyland Experience." (Replacing the comma with "or" would help the sentence flow better.)

Overall, you're doing some good work! :) Yemlee (talk) 05:30, 14 February 2019 (UTC)