User talk:Newhousj/sandbox

Comments on Your article:

Your first introduction section is great. It gets the bare essentials out of the way, and sets up the article nicely. Except: where is Kings Canyon National Park? Add the state and such, maybe including a map with its general area.

History Section:

• Do you have any wiki links to some of those tribes?

• You might want to give some light background info on the native tribes, since I think the transition between them and the white settler is a bit too abrupt.

• It’s a good idea to give a link to Hale Tharp, but you might want to incude one sentence or 2 on his background. Why was he there? Did the government send him in? Did he go of his own accord? Were these lands reserved for natives by the government or were they just there? Did he go against government wishes settling in the area?

• You use “Giant Forest” once, then on the second usage of it you use the wiki link to another wiki page. Switch it to the first, because I was really confused if you were just calling it a big forest or if that was another name for it. Definitely try to tell the reader earlier that that is an acceptable name for this region, maybe include that in the intro.

• How many more settlers were moving into the area? Was it really large enough to cause disease? There had to be a decent amount and a lot of interaction between them. Did the white settlers help the natives hunt or was it really Tharp helping the natives hunt?

• You don’t have to capitalize Giant Sequoia trees, do you?

• I’m really confused about the end of this section. How long were advocates for the area around? Maybe include some dates about when the natives left and such, because it gets really confusing at the end, and I’m not sure what is happening when. Did Muir start the movements for the protection of the region? Just try to include some dates about the lumber companies moving in and the natives leaving, and I think it’ll clear it up.

Park Establishment and Early Battles

• Reword those first few sentences, I think they can be reworked to make them less confusing. You do a lot of sentences where you say “because of this, then this. Despite this, then this. Even before this, then this.” Varying up your sentence structure can make it easier to read.

• You’re missing a period in the sentence “Local farmers objected to economic exploitation…”. You don’t have to capitalize “Farmers” in that sentence either.

• What is lubering? Also, “Many locals began to feared” should just be “fear”

• The problem with referencing Visalia is that the reader still doesn’t know where this park is, and can’t really use that town as a reference point. Try adding a map or some sort of geographical reference.

• I feel like you introduce a lot of players into this section without giving them any background.

• Be careful with capitalization and punctuation.

Creation of Kings Canyon National Park and Recent History

• What do you mean but Kings Canyon National efforts?

• Again, introduction of a lot of players that you might want to give a little more info on. Why is the first section titled history? It should just be early history, since the history is sort of ongoing as you demonstrate in the rest of the article

• “Adams’ photography helped convinced” should just be “convince”

• Fairly good section, just be careful or wording.

Environmental Concerns • “Incidents” shouldn’t be capitalized

• “Fire control” shouldn’t be capitalized

• “Fire suppression” shouldn’t be capitalized

• “Creation” shouldn’t be capitalized

• Be careful with the climate change section. Can you cite sources that say the climate is changing? I think it’s fairly obvious it’s changing but you still do have people who believe that global warming and such are not true, which could make this entire subsection controversial. Try and add a citation about the climate change occurring.

• “Sequoias” doesn’t need to be capitalized

Overall, nice job man. I can tell that this whole thing can get pretty muddled at times because of how many different players are involved and the sheer length of history you have to cover. I think you did a pretty good job overall, I would just try and reword some sentences, and especially be careful of capitalizing words that should not be capitalized. If you can introduce a little more into the opening about the exact location of the national park and provide some maps as your images I think that might help some of the rest of the article fall into place.

Bellitan (talk) 04:08, 9 April 2013 (UTC)