User talk:Nfrno Burns

OhanaUnitedTalk page 01:36, 10 October 2007 (UTC)

Good work on your posting your "Green Fleets" paragraphs; however, for that page to stand on its own it needs a description of what green fleets are. What are they connected to?Mcwabaunsee 20:39, 18 October 2007 (UTC)

Green Fleets
"...to reduce carbon emissions,planting trees to guard the present, and promoting new technology to protect the future."

Keep an an eye out for parallel construction. Your verb forms need to be assimilated.

Good work on creating a concise introduction; however, in the first section of the article terms like "fleet vehicles" and "green fleet process," even the repeated use of "fleet," all remain abstract for the reader because the introduction is vague. It sounds somewhat like a mission statement. What are Green Fleets? The latter two sections, whose titles seem to overlap, begin to clear these questions up, but the definition of a "fleet," what it literally is, is needed up front. Mcwabaunsee 21:06, 15 November 2007 (UTC)

Mark Rey
This entry has some great qualities. The organization of the page could use some work--"Background" is a big category. Can you break it up? Employment? Government appointments? Projects he's created or backed? Mcwabaunsee 21:06, 15 November 2007 (UTC)

Grammar
Your grammatical corrections are too few, and many of the sentences (especially, for instance, the Kelly Rowlands example) need more attention.Mcwabaunsee 20:39, 18 October 2007 (UTC) Great work on getting back at copy editing! Mcwabaunsee 21:06, 15 November 2007 (UTC)