User talk:Olivia Martin/sandbox

Lead Section
Adding a strong lead section about Jamal Hunter would better help the article. A brief explanation of what he is known and where he grew up would make the article flow from one section to the next. Also be sure to site your sources. Oliviazamora (talk) 18:20, 11 October 2016 (UTC)

Peer Review - Rowan Foote
I think this is a really interesting topic, I have never heard of it before. You have a good start but I think that your structure needs a little revision. Your background could be a little more thorough and talk more about who Hunter was and his background. Also because you are focusing on the case in general, maybe use the heading "Early Life" instead of "Background" because that makes it sound like you are talking about the background of the settlement which is the next section. But you can still use "Background" for the case. Also, I think that "Reason in Jail" and "Incident" should be combined because they talk about the same thing. I would also use "Incident" as opposed to "Reason in Jail" because the latter is less formal. Similarly I would read over your paragraphs and pay attention to the tone of your writing because it sounds a little too casual sometimes. Another suggestion I have is to use "Impact" instead of "After Math." I know this is just a first draft but don't forget a short overview in the beginning and a picture of Hunter. I would also add a colon after Hunter in the title. Rofoote (talk) 18:31, 11 October 2016 (UTC)

Another Peer Review- Elena Donharl
You guys have done a great job outlining what you guys need to talk about. I agree with what both Rowan and Olivia had to say. I would maybe a lead part to pull me in as a reader and also to lay out the facts right then and there. Also, I would check your spelling and grammar on your lead titles and body paragraphs. Not an urgent edit but it might be something you will be marked down for. Are you going to add more to the background part? I think if you could find anymore information about his background that could really be used to set up what you are going to be talking about. Gives the reader more information about what who they are about to read about and gives more impact. Overall, really interesting topic. I would just say really set up what you are going to talk about and make that clear in every section. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Edonharl (talk • contribs) 17:22, 12 October 2016 (UTC)

Peer Review - Charles Hogue
Hey gang great job, keep it up, proud of u!

But for real, I would say try to get your sources actually cited in the article. And in the "Incident" section, you said "Here is a video (and cited it) of the deputy incident in jail" and that wouldnt be the proper formatting for a wikipedia article. It might be best to just keep a description of the video, and then using the video as a source.

Otherwise, I agree with what the ladies above had to say, grammar is a big one, but thats easily fixable! — Preceding unsigned comment added by Crhogue3 (talk • contribs) 15:50, 14 October 2016 (UTC)

Feedback
Nice start on your article. However, given Wikipedia policy on issues like this, it shouldn't be a biography of Jamal Hunter. Rather it should be about the incident - though I'm not quite sure what to call it. The Shooting of Amadou Diallo might be a useful template for how to write this article, as might some of the other articles in Category:Police brutality in the United States. That said, of course, this doesn't appear to be simple police brutality as much as a combination of abuse and negligence. Sadly, the main story here is probably the size of the award. The aftermath, noted here is probably also noteworthy.


 * Wikipedia articles don't have introductions, they have lead sections. Please see pages 7-9 of the Editing Wikipedia brochure. You should have received a hard copy from your instructor, but just in case, I have linked to it above.
 * You need to include inline sourcing. You need more sourcing. You need to format your sources properly. This is critically important when writing about living people.
 * Section headers use sentence capitalization, not title capitalization; only the first word of the title, and proper nouns, should be capitalized. Aftermath is one word, not two.
 * You need to add links to other articles, so readers can more about topics they may not be familiar with. Since Wikipedia is an international project with readers from all around the world, don't assume that your readers know what's common knowledge to you - say, for example, that Denver is in Colorado. (If you reply to this message here, please include  in your response, to ensure that I see your reply.) Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 20:00, 28 October 2016 (UTC)