User talk:Ozlam12/sandbox

Hey Olivia!

We read your page and we enjoyed it! We have a few overarching suggestions that we will include below on this talk page. Besides those, we do feel like the page could use some significant grammar/English revision. We had several suggestions about editing and did not want to completely change your page without telling you. We will include those recommendations in an email.

However the basic macro-level suggestions are:

Check Citations- Are citations appropriate (are they from reputable, reliable, and verifiable sources)? Are they properly formatted? We thought your citations were really a strong point of the article. You had several and they appeared many times throughout. We struggled with citations and were impressed by your boldness to attempt so many We felt there may have been an excess of citations. You don’t need to cite articles to say the same things more than once. Example: In the first paragraph you say bread is sold in the store front Hot Bread Almacen and use citation #3. Then under “Hot Bread Kitchen Bakery” you say the same thing and use citation #3 again. You do not need to cite this a second time, and may want to consider leaving out the entire sentence. If you are citing one article do your best to list that citation once Example: Under “Objectives and Impact” you have Source #7 cited twice in the same paragraph. It would look better with just one citation at the end of the paragraph than two separate citations for two things from the same article. Example: Its the same with Citation #12

Standard Wikipedia Organization and Formatting- (e.g. headers, table of contents, citations, etc.) Your Wikipedia formatting was very neat and clean Only one consideration- The “Programs” section looks a little strange. Perhaps have the subheadings under programs be one size smaller? Just that one like with “Programs” and then “Hot Bread Kitchen Bakery” right under it looks a little awkward. That’s the largest formatting issue though....very solid section! We liked how you hyperlinked “La Marqueta”

Neutrality and Clarity- Does the article read like an encyclopedia article? Is it clear and concise? The article is neutral. There was one sentence we had issue with. Under the “HBK Incubates” section, you have one sentence that reads, “In addition to Incubator members, the space and storage are available to established businesses at rental price.” This sounds a little like an advertisement for their affordable services. Clarity is a section that we feel we can help with. We are working to make the language read more smoothly...see our recommended edits below

Edit for Notability- Why does this enterprise merit an article? What makes this an innovative social enterprise? HBK is clearly an interesting organization by why are they worth referencing? Are they one of the only groups in Manhattan working on this type of initiative? Do poor immigrants face challenges in NYC? Is this helping to relieve some of those pains? Your recognitions section says a lot of great things about HBK. Try to work those into the rest of your article Tell us something notable about HBK early in the page

Additional New Research All of the sections provide overviews of HBK HBK is a new business and does not have an extensive history; however the “history” section is short. Any details about store size, employee count, number of customers served, or business success would help tell readers more. The” LIFE Program” section is very well written; the “Hot Bread Kitchen Bakery” section is thin comparatively. In the “Recognitions” section you have details about business that have gone through the HBK Bakery program. Mention it in that section.

We really enjoyed your page and hope our suggestions can help you come up with a final product you are proud of. We will send you our email soon.

Hello HBK team-

In preparation for our conversation this afternoon, I took another quick look at your page and have the following observations, some of which were also made by the UMass group. Looking over the document they sent and their suggestions on the talk page, I think they have some good ideas for edits that will help strengthen this already strong article.

My thoughts:

Objectives and Impact: Some redundancy in this section, as already mentioned by UMass group

Programs - Bakery: Suggests that women gain skills to bake and sell their own products, but earlier section states that women come into the program with a baking background - perhaps be more specific about the skills?

HBK Incubates: Perhaps rephrase last couple of sentences: ...such as business classes and workshops on topics such as logo design.

LIFE Program: When they mention recruitment, are they referring to entrepreneurs? "has a model in place, but has not made the jump to full-fledged business" - not clear on what this means, have they not actually launched a business out of the program using their model?

Commendations on both their social programs and their product.

Megan Lyster (talk) 15:20, 6 December 2012 (UTC)