User talk:Queenbook2021/sandbox

Hello, Great selection of Area and Sector articles. Can you tell me what you'd like to add / improve in these article choices? Also, you need to complete the evaluation section. Check out your peer, Nick Allen's, or my sandbox for a template of what we're look for. Otherwise, you are off to a nice start. -Momo Sumomox4nouchi (talk) 00:33, 8 February 2019 (UTC)sumomox4nouchi

Morgan's Peer Review
Hi Queenie!

Great work so far! You have gotten a lot of ideas down, and it’s all very substantiative so far! It seems to fit in well with the original articles. I like your use of the term "Socioeconomic Abuse" as opposed to financial abuse; I think it's clearer! I love your idea to explore non-Western conceptions of recovery and healing in your Sector research! That is both so necessary in order to achieve justice and inclusion in the recovery process, but it also seems quite relevant for your PE, especially since you will be coming up with your own ideas for the org.

Overall just have some rewording suggestions that could help simplify your points and get it more to that encyclopedic goal. :) I would recommend going through and simplifying a lot of your sentences. Many of them have multiple clauses, which I do think gives more of an essay tone than an encyclopedic tone. Generally, I think if a sentence takes up over 2 lines, it can probably be split into 2-3 separate sentences. I also recommend reading your sentences out loud to see how they flow! This helps me in papers, and I plan to do it for my W.Contributions too! I’m also excited to see you add more citations to further the credibility of your article! I’m not sure about this, but I think it could be smart to add citations after every sentence that is inspired by a source, even if you end up citing that source 5 times in one paragraph. I’m not sure what Clare or Momo think, so you should probably ask them. Overall though, these articles talk about some really sensitive issues, so referencing sources to back up what you’re discussing is important. :)

Here are some specific suggestions:

'''Area: Socioeconomic abuse'''

–“... men are pressured more to contribue a larger portion of financial income compared to their spouse or partner.” Possible reword: “There are cultural expectations that men must contribute….”

–Missing link between cultural norms for men how this translates to socioeconomic abuse - is the link that this means women don’t have any money of their own and are so tied up to the man’s finances and thus cannot easily exit if socioeconomic abuse offers?

–“This being said there are ways male partner's control the financial resource or societal advancement of their partner or spouse, below are some of the ways they can do them:”

––Possible reword just to simply and help it flow: “Socioeconomic abuse in the Phillippines occurs when the male controls the financial resources or societal advancement of his partner [cite?]. Socioeconomic abuse can be seen in the following ways:”

–In the gambling section: “addictive” could be seen as normative? I think you can get the point across without claiming gambling is always addictive!

–“Losing the money from this type of addictive vice means that it diminishes necessary family expenditures such as maintaining that the family eats three meals a day, buying medicine, healthcare, or paying for monthly bills.”

––Possible reword for simplicity: “When money flows into gambling, it diminishes finances for food, medicine, healthcare, bills, and other expenses necessary for caring for a family.”

–In the infidelity section: I would add some more citations here, especially when claiming Filipino women have more autonomy than women in other countries. I would also be wary of using adjectives like “severe” since they are more subjective.

–In the control over resource section: “Marital hostility and discord can start to emerge when one spouse has complete manipulation of their partner's personal or joint resource. This may make the women more dependent, as their well-being rest and financial decisions often rest with their abusive spouse.” I think one way to help this sentence and the rest of the article feel more neutral is adding words like “may” or “can” so that it sounds more open-ended as if you were describing things that could happen but don’t HAVE to happen. I hope that makes sense! I’ve added “may” and “can” in bold to the sentence quoted!

–Prevention of economic or educational growth Section: “This has the potential to interfere with their rights and ability to climb up the social ladder or advancement of higher positions in their workplace.” Another example of what I said above!

 Sector: Community Base healing for Domestic Violence

–An example of a sentence I feel could be separated: “In a more tight-knit communities and culture, individualized therapy may not be the best approach for healing, instead focusing on reshaping the communities understanding of personal control over their body and expanding existing resources may be better alternative to the Western-style of healing.”

––Reword: “In tight-knit communities and cultures, individualized therapy may not be the best approach for healing. Instead, healing may be more effective if focused on reshaping the community’s understanding of personal control over the body and expanding resources beyond Western-styles of healing.”

—Again, I think inserting “may” and “can” could help make these sentences less argumentative and more descriptive of possibilities in these dilemmas.

–For the spiritual healing, just add more citations!

Overall love what you have so far! I love that you will be discussing community-based healing, resource distribution/scarcity, and spiritual healing! It seems like you’ve started to gather cool sources for that discussion too. :) Good luck moving forward!Mjb399 (talk) 23:41, 4 April 2019 (UTC)Morgan

Response to Peer Review
Hello Morgan,

Thank you for pointing out ideas and modification I did not see myself. The suggestion you gave me were spot on and were actually things I was weary of when writing my articles new sub-section. I intend on changing the wordings you advised me on and to be more concise as I also think my paragraphs could be summed up to 2-3 sentences rather than regurgitating the same idea over and over again. I'll definitely ask Professor Talwaker or Momo if it is a good idea to add a citation in every sentence I come up with. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Queenbook2021 (talk • contribs) 16:38, 11 April 2019 (UTC)