User talk:Rainyflower/sandbox

Article Draft Feedback
Some revisions needed. Chronophoto (talk) 01:01, 20 February 2018 (UTC) (course instructor)
 * Opening paragraph should less detailed. Move detailed information into a new Career section.
 * Add author to all references if possible.
 * Add dates to film titles in filmography section.
 * Because most of her films already have Wikipedia pages, you shouldn’t spend too much time on the films on this page. Condense these sections and expand writing about her career.

You did a very good job with relaying information of this filmmaker, especially in her filmography which is very detailed. It is written like a Wikipedia article: not promoting the filmmaker, but also offering facts and relevant additional information. Your sources seem reliable and you have used them well throughout the article.

I made a few edits for grammar and spelling, some spacing issues before and after punctuation, and making sure the citation number came after the periods of sentences. I also reworded a few of the sentences which felt unclear.

In your intro paragraph, you write “Other films include the politically undertoned Samurai Chicks (Dokuritsu Shôjo Gurentai) (2004)”, but ‘undertoned’ is not a word, so I suggest either rewording that to use a different tense (ex: “film with political undertones”) or a different wording altogether.

I reworded the first sentence of the second paragraph in your introduction to make it flow better. There were a few other times I reworded sentences or replaced words to sound more natural.

In Fatal Frame (Gekijoban Rei: Zero) under Filmography, you mention the Bechdel test in the second paragraph. This feels out of place in an article about Asato, only being tangentially related to a film she made. I would suggest either rewording the sentence to make it feel more related to the movie itself or removing the sentence altogether.

Also, for your 5th source ( "Live-Action Japanese Fatal Frame Film's 1st Trailer Posted". Anime News Network. 28 June 2014. Retrieved 29 June 2014. ), I saw that you found it from the Wikipedia article's page, but you can change the "Retrieved" date because you have recently retrieved it for this article, so you can change it to "Retrieved 11 February 2018" or whichever date you used it.

You need a Career section for your article, and because Filmography sections are usually just the list of films I would retitle your Filmography section to be Career, and I suggest moving your second intro paragraph into the beginning of that Career section. After that, you can rename your Filmography List section to just Filmography.

Finally, I suggest creating a table for the Filmography List section (which, again, should be re-titled to Filmography).

Good luck with the final draft, I hope this review was useful.

50Fetch (talk) 06:02, 24 February 2018 (UTC)

Student Peer review
You did a really good job on contributed Mari Asato's information, and your article will fill a lot of information about Mari Asato compare with the existing Wikipedia pages, the grammar is quite good as well, at least I cannot do some really edit. But I suggest you take some information from the first paragraph and find more information to build a new section, such as Early life and Early education. You may also need to build a table for Mari Asato's films, the table can also introduce Mari Asato's title in those films. This article may also need to more focus on her experience and her influence as well. — Preceding unsigned comment added by RimlessYMD (talk • contribs) 16:35, 24 February 2018 (UTC)

Quite a bit of the lead section could be put into an early life section, specifically where she is born, her time as a photographer, and her work on films before she took the leading role as a director. I would rename the Filmography section to just Career, and the Filmography List section to just Filmography (a filmography is a list). I'm not totally sure if doppelganger is a genre unless you mean a trope? In general I would definitely find a way to talk more about Mari Asato herself. It focuses mostly on what the movies are about but I think it'd be worthwhile to take a closer look on those all-female/female focused elements running through her films. Perhaps you might be able to add a section on themes/styles and that sort of stuff. You talk about her most three recent films but don't mention the first four. Did she direct those or was she just on the production team? If she directed them then I'd definitely talk about her works on them, if she was just an assistant director or something of that sort, it still might be worthwhile to mention that. Hollywoo Star Peanutbutter (talk) 12:44, 25 February 2018 (UTC)