User talk:Rbuell/sandbox

Hi! My name is Veena, and I'm from the Tuesday Section. Here are some thoughts, feel free to reach out with any concerns! — Preceding unsigned comment added by Veena.narashiman (talk • contribs) 17:35, 19 March 2018 (UTC)

Areas: Economy of Kenya
Economy History The sentence: Some of the conditions of the SAPs resulted in a decrease in government spending on economic and social services, a decrease in education enrollment, and a increase in unemployment (specifically in the agricultural industry). seems a bit wordy. I would recommend stating Some of the SAP conditions... I would also include a hyperlink to structural adjustment programs

Labour --> "Jua Kali" I would define the Jua Kali in the second sentence of the paragraph, so the passage is more seamless.
 * 1) revise: The informal sector consists of self-employment
 * 1) consider: ''Some have criticized the "Jua Kali" for..."
 * 2) consider: Many choose to join the informal sector for its lack of fees, shorter...
 * 3) merge: The informal sector of Kenya's economy (also known as the "Jua Kali") is responsible for providing its own skilled labour through apprenticeships. In regards to job training, the informal sector is also responsible for training almost all of its skilled workforce.
 * 4) The last sentence does not have parallel structure, instead, consider: Rising cost of education and no guarantees of future employment have caused many workers...

Sector: Women Empowerment
Lead This paragraph needs a lot of grammatical improvement, I would suggest summarizing the entire section. I would also eliminate all the numbering from the section.

Methods No need for numbering, I would also attempt to find a citation for this statement. While I agree to its contents, the logic can be padded a little. Why does economic empowerment have this effect?

Measurement
 * 1) Explain what GEM stands for.
 * 2) The critique of an idea should be furthered after the definition of said idea.
 * 3) Delete the semicolon from GDI doesn't measure gender inequality; rather, it measures absolute levels on income, education and health.

Veena.narashiman (talk) 03:37, 19 March 2018 (UTC)

Peer Evaluation— by Emily Lui
Hi Royce!

Here are my copyedits and suggestions for your work! I wasn’t sure how to structure this, so everything is in order of how you have displayed it on your sandbox.

Economy of Kenya: Economic History: Indicate that SAPs stands for structural adjustment programs (e.g. introduction of structural adjustment programs (SAPs) sponsored…). Try to be a little more specific on which conditions of the SAPs resulted in a decrease in govt. spending (e.g. loans, policies, etc.). If it was the loans indicate so in the 2nd to last sentence, if not change the last sentence to not convey that the loans were included in “some of the conditions”.

Labour —> “Jua Kali”: I think that “the informal sector consists of” would be more appropriate than “in”. Maybe consider changing “doesn’t” to “does not” to maintain a more formal tone. Try re working the sentence “Some of the benefits…”. Does 35% of Kenya’s GDP consist of contributions from the informal sector? What kind of informal finance does the informal sector provide? Possibly also define what ROSCAs are and what it stands for. Consider moving the sentence “The informal sector of Kenya’s economy (also known as…” to the beginning of the section/paragraph, since you refer to Jua Kali earlier in the section, and it may be beneficial to have already explained what that is. Also consider moving with it the section that follows so that the paragraph structure is explanation, strengths, weaknesses.

Sector: Women Empowerment Lead— If you are planning to add this onto a preexisting lead section you can leave it as is, but if not consider opening with “Women empowerment is the process…”. “Addressing” and “defining” are both gerunds, consider adding an “and” in between them, or deleting “addressing” (Principles that define women’s empowerment are…). This may be a good place to use a quotation from a source since it is a definition/defining principles.

Methods: There is a citation needed here. Specify who suggest that policy makers support job training.

Measurement: What does GEM stand for? Specify, but if this is already addressed previously in the article relative where you plan to insert this section, specification is not needed. Should measure be plural? Is the GDI the only way that the UN measures gender inequality in a country? Maybe change “relying” to “rely” (“because GDI calculations rely solely on the achievement…”). Consider changing “on” to “of” (…it measures absolute levels of income…”). Uncapitallize the I in “Inequality” (“of assessing women’s empowerment is to identify constrains…”). Consider adding a second can to the last sentence “(but cannot bestow it on them”) so that the sentence is parallel.

I like the content that you have synthesized for your two articles! I think these will be very nice additions to your two articles. I am impressed by how many sources you have collected. This is a small detail, but maybe try revisiting your code so that your references show up at the bottom of your sandbox, it will make it look cleaner! My only suggestion would be to continue to add and expand on your sources that you have collected. I glanced over your “evaluating two articles” and I like all of your ideas, and saw that you have already gone about some of the additions and edits that you wanted to make. I hope that this was helpful!

—Eklui (talk) 01:15, 20 March 2018 (UTC)