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Rupert Sacheverell Worthington III (b. 4th January, 1854) is an Australio-English Industrialist and Philanthropist. Worthington revolutionized the steam-ship courier industry with the introduction of the pump-driven and engine-powered steamboat. In July of 1857 Worthington founded the Standard Steam Company and continues to run it today. With the end of the Industrial Revolution, Worthington moved to England to expand his venture, and with its original popularity, briefly spent a period as the world's richest man, and Australia's first thousand-aire. He was valued at £1,012 (modern day $312 billion according to Wealthy historical figures 2008, based on information from Forbes - February 2008). In 1908, Standard Steam was tried in the Australian Federal Court for monopolistic practices, but was acquitted due to jury-rigging. Worthington is also the true father of modern philanthropy. The idea was stolen by John D. Rockefeller during a tea-party in 1911 to "get those bastards off my back for ripping everyone off". Worthington blames the expensive fuel prices of today on Rockefeller and routinely visits his grave to steal the flowers. Worthington married his childhood sweetheart Emily Rutherford-Parker in 1898, and following separations, married her again in 1911, 1942 and is currently engaged as of 18 July 2008.

Early Life
Rupert III was born to rich, but poor parents Duane Worthington and Bertha McKeever in 1854, on the Australian goldfields. Rupert was named in the memory of Duane's father, Rupert II, who was hanged for stealing a chair in the summer of 1614. Rupert III was the fourth child, with brother Larry and sisters Heidi-Sue and Vanilla. Duane Worthington was a blacksmith, who taught Rupert III about entrepreneurship by throwing his career away to move to the goldfields. Duane died of syphilis, poor and hungry when Rupert III was only 14. This led to Rupert III to a vow life of abstinence. He revoked this vow a few days later when he met Emily Rutherford-Parker. At the age of 8, Rupert III invented the pump-driven, engine-powered steamboat. Previously steamboats were driven by three men with paddles, and were only called 'steamboats' because they were originally invented by William Steam. Rupert III thought it silly to mislead people by calling it a steamboat, so endeavored to power the ship with steam. On 13 August, 1865 Rupert moved to Melbourne, where he currently resides, in the hope of seeing a tram. Upon arrival he was disappointed to find out trams would not be introduced in Melbourne until 1885. With his free afternoon Rupert III started his start his first company - a strip joint named "Lonely and Lovely". This failed within two hours of renting the premises. Later that day, he founded his much more profitable company, Standard Steam.

Standard Steam and controversy 1865-1893
The Standard Steam Company was a direct-route delivery sevice between Melbourne and Portsmouth. Worthington's first business partner was Sebastian Bell (later Sir Sebastian Bell). Bell owned a burgeoning throat-lozenge company in Hampshire. The lozenge was one of the first of its kind, manufactured out of pig lard and grass clippings, and was a big seller in Melbourne during the flood of 1865, which killed an estimated 14 people and left dozens others without adequate accommodation. It was also quite chilly at this time in Melbourne. The ensuing year was one of the warmest on record at the time, and with less people suffering from influenza and the plague each year, the business struggled. Bell expanded his venture into lip ointments, and was never short of business in rainy England. Worthington, conversely, was going through puberty and relied on the lozenge trade for the majority of his income. Worthington decided to rob a 7-11, but could not find any in the CBD, so instead started importing Cocaine from China. Because Indonesia had declared war on China just a few months earlier, Worthington offered his company to the Indonesian government to bring tinned fruit, weapons and dirty magazines to the troops. On his trips back, Worthington stocked up on illegal contraband, such as cocaine and Mongolian beef to smuggle into Melbourne and sell in the peaking underground beef industry. Worthington's actions were discovered by an undercover agent, Thomas Rochester, and made public in 1891 by the gossip magazine The Friendly Hen. Worthington, shamed, moved to Portsmouth with his fiance Emily Rutherford-Parker. Standard Steam continued to run, but payed 85% of it's profits to the Victorian government as a community service.

Rebuilding the Empire 1893-1927
In Portsmouth, Worthington was at his lowest ebb since getting into the steamboat business. In a fit of depression, Worthington turned to Opium and alcohol. Emily was pushed away to the point where they divorced in 1902, and Worthington found solace with a prostitute named Ren. In 1905, after 14 illegitimate children with Ren, Worthington had a near-death experience with a hungry, hungry hippopotamus (hoppopotami hungrius) at the Zoo. This made him re-examine his life and caused him to ultimately lift himself out of the rut he was in. Worthington had Ren killed by mobster, Tony DeLevito, and reunited with Emily. They remarried in 1908. Standard Steam was still operating at this stage under the management of Eustace McGregor. McGregor was fired later in the year when the company was taken to Australian court for monopolistic practices. Worthington was back in control of the company and in control of his life again. In 1910, Worthington left his company in charge of his first son, Ruttiga Worthington, and moved to New York to meet John D. Rockefeller. Rockefeller requested to buy Standard Steam as a part of his world domination plans. The offer of £800 was rejected by Worthington, and the one amiable relationship between Rockefeller and Worthington became strained. Worthington later seduced Rockefeller's daughter, straining the relationship further. This led to Rupert and Emily's second divorce. Their vows were renewed early the following year. In the 1917-18 financial year, Standard Steam turned over £49.50, making it by far the most valuable company in the world. An enraged John D. Rockefeller put a bounty of £1.50 (a lot of money at the time) on Worthington's head. Upon learning this, Worthington changed his name to Eustace Tilley, grew a mustache and put some insteps into his shoes to make him a full inch taller. The new Worthington was unrecognizable to everyone except those closest to him. Beaten, Rockefeller challenged Worthington to a fencing dual. Worthington declined and in revenge, seduced Rockefeller's mother, and posted photos of her all over New York.

Underhand Activity and Prosecution
During the 1930s, Worthington's business became increasingly more suspect. Dozens of ships would be "lost in transit" each year, and were claimed from the prestigious insurance company, Lloyds of England. Lloyds became interesting in verifying the increasingly suspicious actions. Worthington would send two steamships, report one missing, while changing the name of the other in transit. He would then sell the merchandise on the 'missing' ship for an inflated price on the black market. Worthington, now a master criminal, evaded the law for many years, and Lloyd's gave it little thought until young upstart, Thomas Lockhart (later Sir Thomas Lockhart) was assigned to investigate in 1951. Lockhart used his family tea industry as his cover and gained employment on a Standard Steam courier traveling between Ceylon/Mumbai and Portsmouth. Over many trips, Lockhart learns that Standard Steam employ mainly illiterate people to retain their guise of credibility and to stop getting caught. After 2 years of investigation and reporting back to Lloyds, Lockhart earned a promotion to the cabin, and got the hard evidence he needed to arrest Worthington. Instead of prosecuting Worthington, Lockhart uses Worthington's underworld links to stamp out illegal steamship trade.

Reformation, Charity Work and Other Conquests
Since his illegal activities were uncovered in 1954, Worthington has reformed his business and now donates much of the profits to charities. Most notably the Fund for Orphaned Children Missing Two or More Limbs. Worthington has also made countless other contributions to society. Most notably, Worthington invented the common typeface Times New Roman as the official font for his company in the 1940s. A lawsuit has been filed against the Microsoft corporation which is currently pending. Later, Worthington dabbled in maritime exploration, and was responsible for mapping the Spano-Dutch border in 1920. This led to the colonization of Spain by the Mongols the following year. Worthington also had a short lived reality television program in the 1990s called "Global Poker Tour". With poor ratings, it was quickly cancelled. A law suit with "World Poker Tour" is currently pending, and Worthington has employed a chimp on rollerblades to represent him.

Life Today
Today, Worthington resides in Melbourne, with his wife Emily. He often lectures at the University of Melbourne on topics such as longevity in life, steamboats, international conspiracy and kitties. He sports a thick mustache, top hat and often carries around a cain. In a rare 2007 interview, Worthington attributed his exceptionally long life to "smoking only the finest cigars, growing a big mustache and wearing a top hat made out of dodo hair". Worthington is also an avid golfer. He is well-renowned for helping Tiger Woods with his swing in the 1970s. As Worthington tells it, "I was at the driving range, and when I drive, people gather and watch, I could charge admission. And I do. Anyway this young boy comes up, and says 'Rupert, Rupert, will you help me with my swing?', I say 'sure son, here's how we do it in the big leagues' - turns out it was Tiger. He still sends me a shiny donkey every Christmas."

Article Rupert S. Worthington III
Welcome, and thank you for your attempt to lighten up Wikipedia. However, this is an encyclopedia and the articles are intended to be serious, so please don't make joke edits. Readers looking for serious articles will not find them amusing. If you'd like to experiment with editing, try the sandbox, where you can write (almost) whatever you want. --Eastmain (talk) 03:12, 19 July 2008 (UTC)