User talk:Robertpark1999/sandbox

Overall good job,I just think that you could have a lot more information in your contribution because there is a lot out there through different sources. Your citations are good, just make sure that sentences flow better because some can be a little choppy. Carlapicasso (talk) 16:12, 6 April 2019 (UTC)

I feel like it is somewhat choppy. I think it would be better if you were to include some transition words, but I really love the idea that is included in this sandbox! Bokyung0327 (talk) 02:42, 1 April 2019 (UTC)

I think that you did a great job finding the significant information and statistics that you needed to bring across your point. This is a great start to a potential new section in our wikipedia page. I believe that you really should consider changing some of your sentence structures and grammar. Keeping it concise yet to the point would be the best way to make an impactful new topic section. --Laylaserna (talk) 04:55, 1 April 2019 (UTC)

I think that there is a lot of good information here, however I think that you need to re-word/re-structure your sentence style slightly here. for example...instead of saying "There are many types of suicide, but college suicide is very common." you might want to say "While suicide is a growing issue, it is especially prevalent in college students". Also you said "Over fourteen years, about 1,404 college students suicided" you should say "over a fourteen year span, approximately 1,404 college students committed suicide." and make sure you cite wherever you got that information from. Just remember to be as clear as possible for the reader, and watch your sentence structure. Casey518 (talk) 12:49, 3 April 2019 (UTC)Casey O'Connor

"Suicide in college is a serious issue ranked number 2 for death cause" change "death cause" to "cause of death", and give it some more weight as to what list it falls into 2nd place for. I'd recommend removing the severity of the issue, and keeping it neutral to whatever list it falls under. "Schwartz stated that the growing rate of suicide is not fully true. Over fourteen years, about 1,404 college students suicided." would change the period to a comma to make the sentences feel less of fragments and more full, maybe back Schwartz and link him to something, or remove him as a whole to have less confusion as to who is this dude making the claim. Would also change "suicided" to committed suicide, or with took their lives. Rickyderas (talk) 13:00, 3 April 2019 (UTC)

I would start off the first sentence by talking about college suicide off the bat instead of explaining how there are many types of suicide first. You can say something like "Suicide in college is the most common type of suicide (and then maybe you can link it into the next sentence). Also, who is Schwartz? Cbettica65 (talk) 13:21, 3 April 2019 (UTC)

Good job! I think the content is good. However, there are some grammatical errors: "College students suicided" should be changed to "college students committed suicide." Also, I think the sentence about Schwartz could use some rewording. For instance, can you explain what you mean by growing suicide is not fully true, it is a little unclear. Awhite07 (talk) 15:09, 3 April 2019 (UTC)

Good start! I agree with some of my fellow classmates and it is a little choppy. Make sure your'e staying in the same tense. Also, using commas throughout to break up some of the sentences. You can also expand a little more on some of the stats, instead of just mentioning them and writing a few words. Also, maybe add a picture or graph about suicide today. Miaeschlidt (talk) 16:04, 3 April 2019 (UTC)

Content is good, I would work more on transitions; right now it seems a bit choppy. I would try to remain more neutral on the issue at hand considering it is definitely a touchy subject. Additionally, I would say "commited suicide" rather than "suicided." Henrykuv (talk) 16:44, 3 April 2019 (UTC)

This is a good start, however you should try and elaborate when you say that "counseling is very critical and helpful" with a source or statistic to make it sound more factual and less like your own opinion. Sophieb905 (talk) 00:49, 4 April 2019 (UTC)

Defining college suicide as a "type of suicide" sounds a bit awkward. Also, in the sentence that reads, "Suicide in college is a serious issue ranked number 2 for death cause", saying suicide is a serious issue and is ranked number two in the causes of death seems redundant so maybe reword that sentence. Fields18x (talk) 00:57, 4 April 2019 (UTC)

In your first sentence, "very common" is broad, maybe you can start with a statistic for a stronger introduction. Also, make sure to link the article you are editing. Also add a header / say where this paragraph will be included in the article. Also, just for repetitiveness since its only one paragraph, you have "however" used twice. Oliviaohearn (talk) 01:37, 4 April 2019 (UTC)

Try to be a bit more specific with what you are talking about. Suicide by college students? Suicide on college campuses? Not sure I understand where you are going with this at the moment. Also, precision of language is vital to getting your point across. Instead of saying "about" say the actual figure or give a percentage, which you don't have to type out the word for. The general structure is good and citations are clear but be careful and remember to cite current information. The studies you observe are 5+ years old. Regards, Rapidrider (talk) 15:40, 4 April 2019 (UTC)

I understand your overall argument, but I feel that you worded some things weirdly. I would do more research on suicide on college campuses to help develop your analysis. Benitalukose (talk) 03:07, 6 April 2019 (UTC) Benita Lukose