User talk:RussellTerrier/Phoenix Police Department

Wording for long term relevance
When adding to the article, you will want to make sure that everything is worded in a way such that it won't need to be updated later on by another editor. So, rather than "current" leadership, you might just write "leadership." And instead of "Since 2016, Jeri L. Williams has been the Phoenix Police Chief," you might want to write "Jeri L. Williams was appointed Phoenix Police Chief in 2016." This wording will remain factually correct 20 years from now. The sentences that follow also need to be reworded so as to remain relevant beyond Williams's time as chief. For example, you might write "in 2021 [they] were aware" instead of "[they] are currently aware" Ihiyotl (talk) 18:18, 4 November 2021 (UTC)

Controversies
Adding to the "controversies" section is great, since the current article leaves off in 2017. It is a troubled department, and keeping this section up to date is a great service. I know from experience, that the work of compiling news reports and building these timelines is much appreciated by organizers. If you come across any sources that recount protests or other organized responses to the incidents, that is also a nice thing to include discussion of. Your citations are great. Never be afraid of overly citing. Ihiyotl (talk) 18:27, 4 November 2021 (UTC)

Punctuation and Diction
Your endnotes are all placed before the period, but they should come after the period: "an investigation into the Phoenix Police Department.[cite]" I find the phrase "make clear the ongoings of the department" unclear. I'm not not familiar with "ongoings" used in this way. I am familiar with the phrase "police officer involved shooting," but I find it to be a clunky bit of police department jargon. Simply saying "policing shooting" should be clear to readers and will be smoother. The phrase "called out" is a colloquialism; I'd suggest replacing it with "criticized." I would suggest writing your dates using nominal numbers instead of ordinals (e.g., "May 27, 2019" rather than "May 27th, 2019"). You are missing a possessive apostrophe following "Ames" and preceding "pregnant partner." Ihiyotl (talk) 18:55, 14 November 2021 (UTC)

Sourcing and Information
You describe the investigation into García's death as "long and thorough." This strikes me as an opinion, so I am wondering if it is an opinion reported in the CNN article you cite here. If so, I would attribute it to the person describing it as such so that the authority for the statement is clear. These events are useful to include in this article, but I am curious why there are no officer names included. Is this an intentional stylistic choice on your part, or is the information unavailable because of city policy or journalistic decisions? Ihiyotl (talk) 18:55, 14 November 2021 (UTC)