User talk:Rustygreaves/sandbox

I think camden is a pretty cool place to live no lie Rustygreaves (talk) 20:44, 14 September 2016 (UTC)rustygreaves
 * I think camden is also a pretty cool place to live no lie x2 Rustygreaves (talk) 20:46, 14 September 2016 (UTC)rustygreaves
 * NAH B Rustygreaves (talk) 20:48, 14 September 2016 (UTC)rustygreaves
 * nahRustygreaves (talk) 20:48, 14 September 2016 (UTC)rustygreaves

Hi Rustygreaves! Check out my talk page here. Scary Ghosty (talk) 20:50, 14 September 2016 (UTC)

I like that you started a new intro section and added some potential information to it, though, of course, this might be a bit premature. This is a minor thing, but something to consider all the same: consider issues of capitalization. "African Americans" should be capitalized as should "Latinos." You might also look into Wikipedia's style preference for Latino: it might be "latinx." Consider issues of neutrality: "Despite the cities economic decline, the cultural history of the city has continued to grow" is a sentence that doesn't seem like it would violate this, but what does it mean for a cultural history to "grow?" Colbuendia71 (talk) 19:55, 12 November 2016 (UTC)

Consider more citations closer to the place where numbers are cited: when you say that 20,000 jobs were lost, that needs to be backed up immediately. This sentence strikes me as being a bit off: "This gap was replaced by new demographics and led to a restructuring of Camden's communities." It feels a little obscure: try saying a bit more directly what you mean; what were the demographics that did the replacing? I also think your intro to the culture section could use a bit more substance. How about more examples of Camden culture? Right now, it feels like just a bit about culture and then immediately into the demographic shifts that are covered on the rest of the page. I do like that you included some new media on the page. The thing that I feel is missing a bit from this page right now is the actual cultural practices you hope to document. You need more things like the parade you mentioned (which itself needs a citation). Colbuendia71 (talk) 20:49, 22 November 2016 (UTC)

Soy candle lady (talk) 16:51, 23 November 2016 (UTC)Would it be possible to link Hopeworks or The Neighborhood Center? Do they have Wikipedia pages? Instead of stating that Camden's diversity changed, what if you said that the demographic changed? There's a considerable lack of diversity now. I know you're going to expand on the African-American culture section, do you plan on expanding the Latino section as well? Maybe detail the scholarships and what community outreach? ([User:Soy_Candle_Lady])

While I do find that adding specific culture such as latino and african american culture is prevalent for this edit, when I read the subsection it seemed rather randomly added. Will you touch upon other cultures as well within camden? Since these subsections are so short, perhaps you can add them together under one subsection in a brief summary instead of two subsections. If you are planning on expanding both of these subsections instead, I would definitely expand on both African and Latino culture within Camden since they make up such a large demographic. Also, the chart showing the demopgraphics in Camden was great but I did not see a citation for it. I think that adding media to demonstrate the vast culture within Camden will give a nice visual as to what Camden does have to offer. Over all, the organization and lay out of the page is great and has helped me map out how to lay out my sports section. Oakland528 (talk) 19:29, 23 November 2016 (UTC)Oakland528

The William and Ronja butlers gallery - created third thursday in 2011. The old firehouse on front street. Called from Iowa, opened the gallery in that firehouse. Bought by architectural firm Morgan Ghenko. Camden distillery Talk to Vidra (ALSO FND HER courier post article) about Christohpher and the Camden Night Gardeners/Camden Pop Rocks! - FIND DOCUMENTS Camden's music sceneRustygreaves (talk) 21:43, 7 December 2016 (UTC)

One important thing to consider: some of these sentences are insufficiently edited from their sources. Remember that your job is not to just rephrase what has already been written, but to summarize it in your own words. Some of these come dangerously close to plagiarism if they aren't already. For example: "Starting in 2014, Camden began an community driven initiative Connect The Lots in an attempt to renew Camden's underutilized areas." This is lifted almost wholesale from its source. You'll need to correct this and any others before moving to mainspace. Other than that, I think these are great additions. They're well organized overall and contain necessary information. However, look out for awkward phrasing. For example: "Santiago's movement gained more traction in her neighborhoods including Reverend Heywood Wiggins." I assume Reverend Wiggins is himself not traction, so what do you mean here? Colbuendia71 (talk) 21:05, 13 December 2016 (UTC)

Peer Review
Since I last read your work, you added a decent amount of information in the culture section. I noticed that perhaps there is an issue with rephrasing or summarizing information you have added, so I would copy paste the sentences that are borderline plagaerism and just retype them while they are in front of you that way you can watch the sentences being summarized instead of words slightly rephrased. I found that that help me a great deal when I was working towards summarizing my information. It is great to see that you have added so much information on culture and over all it seems extremely organized. Once you work on summarizing the page will be great. Oakland528 (talk) 19:52, 14 December 2016 (UTC)oakland528