User talk:Saherdaredia/sandbox

Hi there, Glad you found a stub article for you to contribute to! Nice job on both selection and evaluation. Also, yes, it is important to gain a cultural understanding of your area before aiming to critique or ameliorate it. -Momo Sumomox4nouchi (talk) 00:14, 8 February 2019 (UTC)sumomox4nouchi

Scholarly Sources
Hi Saher! Nice findings for scholarly sources. I assume there are two for Area and two for Sector? Can you break up this section with the proper headings, please? - Momo Sumomox4nouchi (talk) 19:01, 15 February 2019 (UTC)sumomox4nouchi

Marbrisa's Peer Review

Area: Healthcare in Pakistan

Good for reinstating what the ministry of national regulations being reinstated meant. I know it’s just the introductory section and you could go more in depth about it in a later section but I think it might be helpful to include a little more in that sentence especially on what the policies were. For example: “... reinstating a federal body to provide health services and implement healthcare policies such as ____, _____, and ______ that allowed _____.” Otherwise it seems like it’s a fact but there’s no significance or importance to that fact.

Healthcare Delivery System of Pakistan You didn’t draft anything on this section but I think it has a lot of room for edit and you can look into that as you continue looking for scholarly resources. What is the healthcare delivery system? What structure is it talking about? This last part just seems a little out of place and as if it was just put in there without other context so you can look into editing this part and adding more information or maybe even removing it if you don’t think it’s important or relevant.

Community medicine section Really great first paragraph. You have a very neutral one and are just stating the facts. As you continue to do more research though you can elaborate on how the goals of the program are being met and you can even provide a case study which might allow you to dive deeper into the specific place where you will be doing your PE. You’re talking about several different programs here right? I would maybe keep them all in separate paragraphs and give a couple sentences as an into stating that there are several programs implemented and then make a paragraph for each. Great and informative section on the Health Ladies! I also like that you crossed out the bullet point which has very little information and you’ve replaced it with a very comprehensive explanation of who the health ladies are, how they take on that role, what they do, and how they help the communities.

Healthcare delivery system section For the first sentence, maybe you can look at the Constitution of Pakistan in your future research and quote exactly what is says to deem healthcare services a responsibility of the state so that based on the information you provide later, the reader can see and make their own conclusions of whether the current practices actually parallel with the constitution or not. “...operating in the informal sector” -- could you define what the informal sector is? I think it’d be a good place to elaborate a little more even just by defining the term since many readers won’t even know what that means (Just from reading it, I don’t know what it means as compared to the public sector).

Sector: Community Health

The first sentence is a very essay-like sentence and doesn’t give much factual information. You can delete that and start with “Access to community health in the Global South is influenced by…”

“While private care is characterized by … often unqualified and untrained” sentence Also, very essay like. These might be facts but you can separate them into two sentences as 2 different facts and CITE them!

Fees for public healthcare services You can move this sentence more towards the beginning or middle of the paragraph as it kind of gives context to the other things about poverty that you’re stating. Disregard this if it’s not even related to that.

“Interventions with community health workers have been shown to improve access to primary health care and quality of care in developing countries through reduced malnutrition rates, improved maternal and child health, prevention and management of HIV/AIDS, and infectious disease management” -- you should cite where you got this information from nd elaborate on HOW (through what actions or policies) have community health workers achieved these things.

In the next sentences you talk about improving” - how did they improve? What are they doing differently. Hopefully you can find that information in th article that you cited already (17) or you can look for information as you look at more scholarly resources.

“Studies have shown that participatory, multi-objective slum upgrading in the urban sphere significantly improves social determinants that shape health outcomes such as safe housing, food access, political and gender rights, education, and employment status.” This can definitely be the beginning to a new paragraph in which you can elaborate more based on each component mentioned.

Responding to Peer Review
Thank you so much for the feedback, Marbrisa!

I appreciated your idea go more in-depth about Pakistan's specific health policies. I can use this to expand upon this section as well as link other relevant Wikipedia articles for readers to access. I actually did draft something for the "Healthcare Delivery System of Pakistan" (see "Drafting" section above). I also like your idea to break up the "Community Medicine" section into several paragraphs. Since I explain the Lady Health Workers program in this section in-depth, I think I should add more about other community health programs in Pakistan in this section.

I agree that the first sentence in the "Community Health in the Global South" section can be removed. The fees sentence should stay in its current place because I plan to elaborate more about the privatization of healthcare in the Global South and the "medical poverty trap" that Evans presents. I also agree that I want to be more specific about the approaches taken by community health workers in promoting health through bottom-up methods. I also intend to start a new paragraph about slum upgrading in the Global South. I will need to search for more sources to expand upon this. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Saherdaredia (talk • contribs) 08:48, 11 April 2019 (UTC)

Anna's Peer Review
Hi Saher! First off, I think it’s really cool that you will be travelling to Pakistan and get to participate in a practice experience there. Anyway, something I really enjoyed about your draft is that you are already thinking of sub-sections. This provides a really sound structure for readers to follow you through as they dive deeper into your article. While they exist now, I would like to suggest something that I think you’ll inevitable change anyway, which is that I think it would be best for you to rename them into something that better encapsulates what you are trying to say. Giving a more explicit name for the suptopic would be ideal. Another structural thing that I noticed when I opened up your article and scrolled down to the drafting section was that it felt very overwhelming. There are very dense and long pieces of text, which makes it a bit hard to look at at first. It takes a bit to visually unpack, but to an average reader, this might be too intense. I would look into splitting up some of the paragraphs to make it feel less overwhelming. I would also suggest going over some of the language in your article, especially in the spots where the language might suggest an absolute. For example, when you write “Pakistan is committed to the goal of making its population healthier,” I would say that a better way to write it would be to say that “Pakistan has stated that they are committed to the goal of making their population healthier.” That way, it eliminates any feeling of bias from the author and it makes the statement sound more realistic. In general, I would avoid making strong claims or using strong language, as it takes away from factual statements. For the majority of the drafting process that you have worked through, you have used a lot of statistics, evidence, and provided a lot of examples. These are all major pluses and it’s remarkable to see the amount of effort you have already put into creating your page. One part of your article I would like to focus on is the “"Healthcare Delivery System" Section” of your article. First, I feel like there is not enough expansion on the complexity of the private and public actors that provide healthcare. I would like to see more information here and for you to dive deeper into the differences between the two actors and the complexity behind healthcare providers in Pakistan. Another point in that last section that I think sounds very interesting is the point where you state “In 2018, a team of healthcare researchers at a Chinese university proposed the first "comprehensive healthcare delivery system" of Pakistan.” This has a lot of potential to be rich with information and provide a very good example of the complexity of this healthcare providing system in Pakistan. Some warnings as you enter into the drafting process here is the language. Whether the plan was successful or a failure, it is often easy to have a slight bias while writing about them. However, it would be great to unpack what you have already written here, defining some terms in it, like “comprehensive” and to outline the details of the plan. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Annajulia.se (talk • contribs) 22:19, 11 April 2019 (UTC)

Feminism in Pakistan
Hi,

It's nice to see you will be taking into consideration some Wikipedia articles too for your university project. While it seems Health care in Pakistan is your primary focus, at the same time you seems to have taken note of Women in Pakistan & Feminism in Pakistan.

Lately I have been supporting two Pakistan related articles. first is Aurat March and recently I copyedited a little in time line of Feminism in Pakistan.

I do have two requests for you. First one we need support in getting photographs for both the articles on Wikipedia Aurat March & Feminism in Pakistan.

Second is getting more involvement of Pakistani women in Editing Wikipedia (Enlish & Urdu both) with focus on women related articles like Women in Pakistan, Aurat March & Feminism in Pakistan. Presently their Pakistani women participation on Wikipedia seems to be largely missing. What I mean to say is let women have agency & feeling of ownership towards these articles. It seems you might have already brainstormed a little on article Feminism in Pakistan. I don't know if you noticed changes made by some editors to article Feminism in Pakistan.( March 2019 while you were around & busy in your project). If you listen to this audio clip about article on you tube you will see it was an article  like any other feminism article. Last few months some editors seems were busy changing narrative of the article that would fit conservativism in Pakistan.

Now introductory line in the article stands to, Feminism in Pakistan consist of "good feminism" and "bad feminism" or "hyperfeminism. At the outset of the article itself Feminists of Pakistan are divided by a subjective term, voices of women that are not acceptable to conservatives being termed bad feminist there by slut shaming them. Surprisingly a Wikipedia feminism article being used for straight forwards  biased narrative.

In my opinion Pakistan Women need to get involved in Wikipedia editing then they will have participation in narrative being defined.

Thanks & warm regards

Bookku (talk) 02:11, 16 April 2019 (UTC)