User talk:Sameamea

Aunt patty (formally known as the Estranged Human Raccoon of Bronxville, shorthand “The Human Raccoon of Bronxville).

We went to a red carpet event in Bronxville, California. Just the two of us and her contractor James Bennet. Aunt Patty had recently lost her husband and my uncle, Patrick, as well as their house.

Anyways, due to this, Patty thought it was a good idea to take some of her handy scissors and cut off a piece of the red carpet and use it as a tent. Since, y’know, she had no house. James, her contractor friend, thought this was a rather ridiculous plan and offered to buy her an actual tent instead, which he did in fact do. Man, Aunt Patty hates being indebted to someone, so when James offered her a tent, straight from the local Walmart, she refused to accept it until she could pay him back. So she went across the street to the Applebees and asked for money and a job. With her powers of persuasion, she was ‘hired’ (not actually. The owner of the Applebees that was located across the street from the red carpet event that I attended with my Aunt Patty and her contractor James Bennet in Bronxville, California, actually thought Patty was a robber. So they were rather surprised when this so called “robber” started to man the registers after being offered all of the money in them.).

Anywho, she payed back James yadayada. Unfortunately for her, due to having no home for the past four weeks, my poor Aunt Patty stank to high heaven. So after being kicked from the red carpet event, she returned to the applebees, much to the owner’s horror and dismay. We couldn’t exactly stay and leave her alone, so James and I went over and helped her set up her tent by the Applebees dumpster out back. She (apparently) took some carpet anyways and used it as a backup that she draped over her generic, Walmart-branded single sleeper.

Surprisingly Aunt Patty seemed pretty dang happy with her new accommodations (unlike the Applebees owner who was still very much terrified of dear ol’ Aunt Patty). So happy in fact, that James Bennet was inspired to move in next to her. So he went back and grabbed a snippet of red carpet for himself. Unfortunately, he was caught and apprehended by the Bronxville police. Haven’t seen or heard from him since, I’m afraid, though apparently Aunt Patty bailed him out of jail with the money she earned at “work”. Still no sign of him, though. Maybe died after contracting something nasty at the Bronxville, California prison.

So basically, Aunt Patty ran out of money. So she started to jump into the Applebees dumpster every night in hopes of acquiring some grub. The owner heard so much grumbling and rattling out back that they brought a stick and a trash can lid that they banged together so they could scare off the “raccoon”.

In the beam of the Applebees floodlight, Aunt Patty apparently looked up and scared the everloving snorkels out of the Applebees owner and manager, due to the floodlights reflecting in her hungry eyes and giving her the look of a demon. Since that night, instead of having her come in for work, the owner has since insisted that they simple drop off money while she’s sleeping so they never again have to come in contact.

After awhile, the whole raccoon misunderstanding became some sort of Urban legend. They called her the “Bronxville Raccoon” and “The Estranged Human-raccoon of Bronxville, California”. She became so famous in fact, that Aunt Patty has told me she’s been invited to attend next year’s red carpet event.

After losing her husband, home, and contractor, I’m glad she has something to look forward to.

The Estranged Human-Raccoon of Bronxville, California
Perhaps add a page on Bronxville, California? I can’t find any info on it :( Sameamea (talk) 05:40, 30 July 2022 (UTC)