User talk:Sdtroy/sandbox

Hkim856 (talk) 16:53, 19 October 2018 (UTC) Well done. Your draft is quite well sourced and demonstrates an in-depth elaboration on the topic. One way to improve the draft overall is to reconsider its tone. There are a few places where you make assumptions about, for example, how kpop consumers ("we" in your sentence: "Through makeup, clothing, dancing, and behavior; we see the gender lines blurred to some extent") have perceived the shift in the gender representation, but who are really "we" here? If there's any source that supports this claim, that would be great. Otherwise, I would recommend changing the tone. Similarly, you might want to be more careful when you make a claim like this ("Previously, men had been looked at for their actions, now it is more about how they look"); your readers would wonder how you can justify the idea.