User talk:Sir Sheerluck Jones


 * Taken from the Misadventures of Sherlock Holmes


 * The Case of Nikita Cromanova's chest.
 * -By Dr. Sheerluck Jones.


 * PART I

“Love, Watson, is the engagement of the inferior. He loves, the other commands.”

This was how my day started this Friday, the 14th of February. This was Holmes, the vintage Holmes.If it had been something else I would have been surprised to the core. Think then of my bewilderment when the following events occurred, later that evening.

Going through the litter he had been calling a ‘rationalized’ random arrangement; I found a copy of some Indian text in the native script. I went to the Indic reference and tried to translate the unscrupulous text. I could have better translated Homer into Chinese! I gave up the effort of translating the title and just turned the page. There to my utter amazement was one of the vilest depictions of human lust! The human forms were so entangled that only Holmes could have deciphered them. But what case could lead to such a task?

I was very much repelled by the content of the book, but like a good Englishman browsed through it all the same. It was a taxing effort on my being. By the time I was nearing the end, the book magically has risen three inches on my lap; some Indian rope trick! Well I decided to finish the exacting task. As I reached the end, lo and behold! there were the following words in a masterly yet feminine hand: “I hope, your skill at observing the minute transpires into practicing them as well” With love, Nikita Cromanova.

Nikita Cromanova! I have heard this name somewhere, I told myself. Yes, the other night when he was very ill and exhausted, he had been uttering this name ‘Nikita’ in delirium! What could all this mean, was much for me to ponder upon, moreover exhausted by the ‘reading’ I had just finished and aware of some physical weakness that had suddenly crept upon me, like a hungry tiger, I decided to sleep. I had just been in the world of beautiful lotus-eyed Indians when I fell down from the high mountains we had been reveling upon and landed on our humble abode’s floor. There he stood in front of me looking at the book with that distant look that indicated someones ruin!

“What, in the name of all that is wonderful, have you been doing to yourself Watson?”, he said with a smile on his lips.

“What! Uhh!”

“So, to say, you had been perusing this book, haven’t you?”, replied he to my remonstrance.

“How in the world, do you know that?”

“I know it, simply, by the size of your instrument that is trying to break free. Here is a man of gentlemanly type. He certainly had been in the army. He certainly is used to buying sex, yet he lies on the sofa and has wet dreams. What in the world could have lead to this disgraceful situation?”

“Very apt reasoning, I should say, Holmes.”

“And added to it when I see this book, the illustrious or rather the ‘illustrated’ KamaSutra, on the floor, I need not wander any farther for the reason.”

“Bravo! A wonderful piece of deduction! You are a genius Holmes; a man gifted with amazing powers, I am blessed to have you for a company. But tell me Holmes, who is this Nikita, Nikita Cromanova?”

“Nikita Cromanova, is a wonderful …, um how do I put it. Yes, she is a wonderful fornicating machine. Her love for fornication equals, if not surpasses, mine for observation. There is not an equal in Europe for the knowledge and expertise she has brought to the science of fornication.”

“The science of fornication! Holmes, you must be joking?”

“Watson, you will grant me this when I say; Even with my limited sense of humour I could have ‘ejaculated’ a better joke. Dear me! Don’t tell me that you have been taking ‘love making’ to be a primitive pass time. Yes, I grant that when we fornicate the feelings of a savage from our oblivious past of a nebulous hunter-molester comes to haunt us, yet this activity deserves a much deeper study than had been given to it in Europe of recent times.”

“Holmes, I am not a savage! Mrs. Watson will vouch to that.”

“Like one little primitive vouching for the other.”

“Holmes! You are impossible.”

“My apologies, my dear Watson! I took a totally objective point of view to the problem without any consideration for your feeling for the primitives. Sorry for that. But to continue with my case further; tell me what do know about ‘Clitoris’, or better still, what is the size of Mr. Watson’s clitoris, to the nearest millimeters?”

“I have no flickering idea!”

“There you are, a savage! Have you not been eating Mrs. Watson’s vulva and pushing your tongue deep into her vagina, yet you never noticed the little fellow who had been poking at your nose, all the while!”

“I am a savage! God bless me.”

“No Watson, you just won’t observe. And what amazes me is that you won’t observe some thing that had been thrust on your very face. By the by, it may do you good to know that your wife is a gifted person, she has one of the biggest clitoris that I have seen in the last few months. The protruding part, in her case, measures 6.3 mm in width, where as, as per my documented evidence, the average width lies within the range of 2.5 to 4.5 millimeters. Now, it is beyond my comprehensions how anyone could miss such a thing!”

“I am sorry Holmes, I promise I’ll go and check it out as soon as I meet her. Oh! Dear her, she has brought such great treasures to me and I am a fool not even to notice them. I be damned.”

“Control yourself, dear chap. If you want I could give you a demonstration right now.”

“What! Don’t tell me she is here. What is she going to think of me with this book around and this lump in my khakis?”

“No. She’s not here. Get a hold of yourself. I was going to give you the demonstration of a clitoris. Go, call Mrs. Hudson in.”

I promptly fetched Mrs. Hudson.

Holmes looked at her and asked, “Are you fine Mrs. Hudson? As per my calculations your periods ended on the second and today being 14th we ought to be on ‘firmer grounds’? Also, the clean petticoat without an extra bulge seconds my conclusion by indicating that no sanitation pads have been used. Yet one has to be careful with old-women. So?”

Mrs. Hudson indicating towards me, replied, “So he knows it now, all’s public to him?”

What had I known that she was going to say is a mystery to me to this day because Holmes interrupted with a curt, “He knows nothing, he ought to know nothing. We are here only for a scientific observation, like the one we had in front of Dr. Darwin.”

The clouds passed off Mrs. Hudson’s face and she said, “Oh that! Well the coast’s as clear as a whistle! What does my master order?”

“Mrs. Hudson, the clit please. Be so good as to clear the table and lye on it ‘spread- eagle’.”

Mrs. Watson promptly lifted her petticoat and presented us with a fine specimen of the female reproductive organ, or to be precise, the peripheral anatomical parts. To this Holmes indicated and said, “A women’s vulva usually loosens with age, but Mrs. Hudson's is a well preserved specimen. I understand Watson that you know names of all the parts in the region where we are going to continue our researches.”

“Yes, of course, what do mean? That there is the vulva and the passage to the uterus is the vagina, which in fact we can not see from here. And somewhere is the clitoris that you have been mentioning, though what is its exact position, I can not guess.”

“Yes, you know, but just a little more than one of our boys from the baker street division of the Scotland yard, who would have promptly called Mrs. Hudson’s genitalia; a ‘cunt’ or a ‘pussy’; those, you see, are the usual slang used for it, though ‘the beaver’ is also gaining more popularity in England. There on the shelf, under the box ‘P’, you will find the monograph written by me on various terms used for the female as well the male genitalia, titled ‘The pussy likes to swallow a big cock’. The point is; there is much more to it than meets ‘your’ eye. Now pick a magnifying lens for your self and get that high power one for me. Mrs. Hudson, on the table please and assume the position 101. Thank you. Now Watson we have a far more unabridged view of the subject’s genitalia.”

I observed the sharp change of Holmes attitude towards Mrs. Hudson from a person known to us to a mere subject of our interest. Poor old lady! How rude can a man of science be?

“So Watson what is the first difference that you can see between this specimen and that of your wife’s?”

“This is a much better specimen for observation as it has no hair around it.”

“Excellent, Watson, excellent! Thus you see the importance of Mrs. Hudson being called for and not your wife? Mrs. Hudson is a nice prim lady, you would have never seen a spec of facial hair and during the warn days you would have never seen a patch of sweat round her armpits, indicating no hair as well as good care. A woman of this type always shaves her genitalia.”

“Well I am a clean person and so is my wife, but we never shave them?”

“It is a matter of choice and after all nobody expects you to have a hairless pubic area when you have such a bushy moustache. To continue with our researches, we will move to the genitalia from the naval i.e. down south. At first we move on uninterrupted surfaces then we reach here, touch it Watson, you will observe that the edges of the ‘outer lips’ meet at the base of the pubic mound, this is the clitoral hood. These outer lips are called labia majora. Now you can feel a pea like protrusion under this clitoral hood, this actually is the ‘head’ of the clitoris. Here the clitoral hood covers it fully but in many cases only a part of it is covered. This head is called clitoral glans. Now Watson if you will be so nice as to fetch the Vernier calipers from under the table, I will tell you the exact width of Mrs. Hudson’s clitoris.”

I did as I was told but there was a lingering doubt in my mind, “How can we measure the width of clitoris when it is covered by the hood.”

“Come closer, I’ll demonstrate. Now, if you push back this hood, along the shaft of the clitoris, it will be pushed back up to several centimeters before reversing direction. Thus forming a kind of inverted "V". Try it for yourself Watson.”

I did as I was told; meanwhile I could observe that Mrs. Hudson was certainly growing uncomfortable. I was just thinking of it when Holmes broke in.

“Yes Waston, I should inform you that this clitoris is the female equivalent to the male penis and many times more sensitive. A trained practitioner can bring about multiple orgasms just by manipulating this organ, without any penetration being done.”

“My dear Holmes, is it true?”

“Very true. So just stop moving your fingers back and froth and hold it in a convenient position for me to measure the width. We are going to take three measurements. Now here.”

After some delicate handling of the calipers and a few quick calculations, Holmes was ready with his result.

“It measures 2.3 millimeters, a very delicate clitoris, indeed.”

“Now we move further down south. You see this other set of lips meeting, these are the inner lips called libia minora. Just spread them. Now this small opening that you see here is the urethral orifice used to discharge urine. Further south you will observe this slightly raised part, this is the vulval vestibule. Now below it is the part you very well know.”

“The Vagina!”, I exclaimed.

“No. The vaginal opening, to be precise. The vagina is the passage to the uterus; this is just one of its ends. Well you can see around it are the remnants of the hymen. Now knowing that Mrs. Hudson have had no children one can depict from the shape and size of the remnant that Mrs. Hudson lost her virginity when she was 15 and since then she have had a very active sexual life which still continues unabated. You understand that the hymen is present in one shape or the other before the commencement of the sexual activity for a girl. This is why when ‘chaste’ girl is first ‘broken’, blood is issued. This is a proof that she never have had sexual intercourse with a man before. This is of paramount importance in some primitive cultures.”

“Tell me Holmes, even my wife did not lose any blood on the first night; does that mean….”

“Tut tut, don’t you talk like a primitive or I ought to lash you with this dogwhip. This hymen could be lost due to physical exercise, masturbation or any other sexual activity which was perpetrated upon her without her consent by some rascal; only to land her into the hands of another primitive rascal like you for a life of contempt. Is your wife nothing more than a piece of meat, a hole with a body around it? Did you marry the woman only to stick your John Thomas into her, if that was the case, I ought to set her free from you, you lousy rascal!”

“Pardon me, God save me, how could I have thought of such a thing, I love her for what she is, I like it when I am with her, I want to have kids who are like her and I want her to be there when we are old and feeble, to hold my hand and say ‘I am here for you’. ‘Your world is my world and my world is you’. How I love her I can not tell. Holmes, dear fellow thank you a millions to have made me realize; that a woman needs a man and knows it while a man needs a woman and knows it not!”