User talk:Soojihong/sandbox

Your introduction is structured well and has all of the information it needs, but the tone isn't as professional as it could be. Most of the sentences in your second paragraph could be phrased more concisely (try looking at already published articles to get a sense of the tone you should be aiming for), and I don't think you should place so much emphasis on Gelbart's brother and father in the first paragraph. It's interesting but not important enough to go in the introduction. In terms of specific edits, I would make it more clear what Teaneck is (i.e.: Is it a city in New Jersey? Is it the name of the high school, or just a well-known area?), refer to Gelbart by his last name instead of his first, and add in more citations. In-text citations should go after every sentence where you introduce a new fact. You can also link to other Wikipedia pages, such as for Syracuse, Harvard, University of Chicago, and if any of the people mentioned have their own pages. In addition, it may be helpful to include the title of his Ph.D (i.e.: theoretical chemistry, physical chemistry, etc.), as well as why he is important enough to warrant a Wikipedia page. Erin.nishimura (talk) 21:16, 23 November 2016 (UTC)