User talk:Sorenss/sandbox

Ok, AJ, looks like you've got a good handle on the page. Forward! Profhanley (talk) 15:28, 3 October 2017 (UTC)

October 5, 2017
Well-cited, AJ. Profhanley (talk) 19:06, 5 October 2017 (UTC)

Rhea's Peer Review
Hey AJ, after reading the original article, and then your draft of it, I think did a wonderful job of removing any subjectivity and biases. Good call to remove the direct quotes in the criticism section as well as clarifying the themes section. Although in your lead section, I would move that last paragraph to the criticism section. While it is significant information, I feel that it bears too much weight to be in the lead section and it could add more depth to the criticism section. Especially the second sentence: “Additionally, critics argue that Tan's perception of Chinese culture is filtered by a Chinese-American experience which causes inaccuracies revolving around Chinese heritage.” Other than that I think the revisions are spot on. Nice job! --Rheasegismundo (talk) 01:22, 11 November 2017 (UTC)

Peer Review
Really good work here. You organized the information very well. I just saw a few minor grammatical areas that could be improved. I will just go through them one by one.

At some points you call her “Amy”, and other times you call her “Tan”. Either is technically acceptable, but I think you should pick one and stick with it. Otherwise, it gets confusing when the reader has to think about two names. For example, I am doing an article about a short story by Ernest Hemingway. It is important to say the author's full name when you introduce them, but afterwards, I always just say “Hemingway”. It simplifies everything for both yourself and the reader.

The rest of the notes are in the section for "Personal Life".

1.) "Daisy subsequently moved Amy and her younger brother, John Jr., to Switzerland, where Amy finished high school at the Institut Monte Rosa, Montreux.[7] "

I think you should just say “Her mother, Daisy,...”, or perhaps just say “Her mother...” There is no need to be on a first name basis with her mother.

2.) "During this period, Amy learned about her mother's previous marriage to another man in China, of their four children (a son who died as a toddler and three daughters), and how her mother left these children behind in Shanghai.”

Maybe unpack these into two or three sentences. It is a lot of information to process in one sentence, yet it seems important and relevant.

3.) "In 1987, Amy traveled with Daisy to China.”

Not to be redundant, but I think it is always better to say “mother”. Most people aren’t on a first name basis with their parents, so the casual wording makes it seem like she’s just a friend.

4.) "There, Amy met her three half-sisters.[8]”

Generally, it is better not to start a sentence with “There,”. I always like to think that a strong sentence should be able to stand alone and still make sense. Maybe something like this: “While Amy was in China she met her three half-sisters.” or “During her time in China, she met her three half-sisters.”

5.) "Tan and her mother did not speak for six months after Tan dropped out of the Baptist college her mother had selected for her, Linfield College in Oregon, to follow her boyfriend to San Jose City College in California."

I would personally put the name and location of the college in parentheses, but that may just be my particular preference. I think the sentence already has enough information to unpack, and the name and location of the college unnecessarily breaks the train of thought when it is inside of a comma break. Maybe like this:

Tan and her mother did not speak for six months after Tan dropped out of the Baptist college her mother had selected for her (Linfield College in Oregon) to follow her boyfriend to San Jose City College in California.

6.) "As a freelance business writer, she worked on projects for AT&T, IBM, Bank of America, and Pacific Bell, writing under non-Chinese-sounding pseudonyms.”

I think it is technically correct to say "non-Chinese sounding”, but check the grammar rules for combining words with hyphens. I am not a hundred percent sure.

7.) "Tan resides in San Francisco, California, with her husband in a house they designed in a spacious and accessible manner.”

I think the sentence would flow better if you reword it. Maybe like this for example: Tan and her husband reside in San Francisco, California, in a house they designed.” I would personally just eliminate the specifics of the house’s layout, it detracts from the main subject of the page, or add more information to show its relevance.

The article is very well done. I have never heard of Amy Tan before reading this, but I feel like I have a real understanding about her. Good work! Scoay (talk) 23:21, 19 November 2017 (UTC)