User talk:Sujinlim86/sandbox

Lisa's Peer Review
Hi Sujin! I like what you've done to the article so far!

One thing you could add is hyperlinking some of the topics you discuss to other wikipedia pages (e.g. dystonia, meningitis etc.).

In your 3rd paragraph, I believe you are missing the article "a" - "... the possibility of a genetic component...".

Additionally, in the 3rd paragraph, I think I would personally split the first sentence into two sentences. i.e. "Researchers have also explored the possibility of a genetic component to SD." then, "Three genes have been identified that may be related to..." However, this may just be more of a stylistic change, so feel free to take it or leave it! :)

Lastly, in the 3rd paragraph, the jump from a genetic component of SD to focal/segmental dysphonia seems a bit large. Are you referring to dystonia as it is an epidemiological factor for SD? Did researchers assume a link between the two? If so, you could lead the paragraph with something like "As dystonia is an epidemiological factor for SD, researchers looked into a link between genes correlated with dystonia and SD...."

Otherwise, I really like how straightforward your section is, everything is very clear and unbiased! Lisakuil (talk) 01:00, 24 October 2017 (UTC)

Katherine's peer review
I think you did a good job staying unbiased in the additions to your section!

I also agree with Lisa that the first sentence in the "genetics" paragraph should be split in half. For the same paragraph, I'm a bit confused about the sentence "...patients had novel/rare variants in THAP1 and none in TUBB4A and TOR1A". Do you mean that gene mutations were only found for "THAP1"? If so, just to add a bit of clarity, I would suggest changing the "and" to "but" to highlight the differentiation. Also, was this mutation for the focal or the segmental type of dystonia? My last comment is to have a better flow into the last sentence for this section. Can you provide more information regarding how genetics are involved with the link between the larynx and dystonia/SD? For example, are those three gene mutations directly related to the larynx?.

I also made a few minor spelling/grammar corrections (one of which was also indicated by Lisa) directly in your sandbox.

Great work so far!

Khaen23 (talk) 05:14, 25 October 2017 (UTC)

Sara P.'s peer review
Nice additions to your article!

I really like your first and second paragraph. I think the information that you presented is concise, unbiased, and relevant. I would consider adding more citations in your second paragraph, however, especially after the sentence where you list risk factors for SD; since this information is so crucial, it would be great to back it up with more than one source.

With regards to your third paragraph, I think your first sentence can be reworded somewhat. For example, the first sentence would still make sense if it were written as "Three genes that may be related to the development of focal or segmental dystonia have been identified: TUBB4A, THAP1 and TOR1A genes" (this is just the second half of the sentence). I would also watch your sources in this section: the "Dystonia-Causing Mutations as a Contribution to the Etiology of Spasmodic Dysphonia" article is probably not appropriate for Wikipedia (I don't think), since it is a cross-sectional study, and not a meta-analysis. I think that Wikipedia prefers it if you don't based what you write on independent studies, since new information can be unveiled that show that this study is not reliable. The last sentence in your third paragraph is good, though, and appropriately sourced.

Overall, great work! Sara with no h (talk) 18:31, 27 October 2017 (UTC)

Adriana's Peer Review
Hi Sujin!

I am really impressed with your section of the article on SD. I think that the information you provided is a great addition to the article and your use of objective language is great.

My only suggestions would be to maybe put your risk factors into a table or bullet point format, seeing as your first paragraph is mostly just an ongoing list, and this may be more efficient way to present the information. This is more of a stylistic suggestion than an important edit.

In regards to your genetics paragraph,I agree with the comments mentionned above. As Sara said, I don't think the use of a clinical study is an Wikipedia accepted source.I also think that this paragraph could be restructured in a way that makes the information more clear.

Otherwise I think your contribution is great. I love thet you included some relevant hyperlinks throughout your text as well. I wonder if you could do those in your genetics paragraph too?

Keep up the good work!

Adriana gentile (talk) 21:35, 28 October 2017 (UTC)

Mila's Peer Review
Hi Sujin! What great contributions! It looks like you are adding a lot of important information to an otherwise incomplete section!

One suggestion that I have is just in formatting the font as all un-italicized in order to avoid drawing attention to specific sections. I generally find that italicizing only one word, or quote tends to be more impactful and more widely used.

Also, I don't think that it is necessary to say "Researchers have also explored...". I think that since you provide the source immediately following, you can just go right into talking about a possible genetic component.

Finally, I think that it might be beneficial to talk about how SD is a neurological disorder and formally classified as a movement disorder. Although I understand how it can be both, the statement nature of both of these might appear contradictory to someone that is less familiar with the topic. Perhaps clarifying that "neurological" relates to origin and "movement" relates to outcomes might help!

It is clear that you put a lot of time and effort into this passage and I think that that is reflected in the quality of material and writing that you came out with.

Mil.sch (talk) 02:52, 29 October 2017 (UTC)Mil.sch

Feedback from Nicole
Hi Sujin

Good job as the first time wikipedia editor. However, I shared with others that the sentence of "Researchers have also explored the possibility of..." can be improved to make it more neutral. Also, the transition between paragraphs of this section can also be improved.

Nicole