User talk:Szabad lelek/sandbox

Angela's Peer Review
AngelaEJimenezP (talk) 21:20, 4 April 2019 (UTC)

Hello Mira! Great job with the content that you've added in your drafting! I feel the content you added enahnces the article and it I learned a lot. My only feedback is in regards to the phrasing of sentences to make the content flow better and to sound less argumentative and as if you're taking a position. Federal Policy The paragraph, "Through land and educational reform, the Act reversed past assimilationist policies and promoted the reservation of traditions and culture. The allotment of Indian lands to individual households, which had led to a loss of tribal control over territories, was terminated. However, existing private ownership of Indian lands was not disturbed and resulted in a checkerboard pattern of private and tribal land on reservations that complicates federal law to this day. Further educational and resource reforms included in the Act attempted to strengthen tribes." would flow better if it read:

"Through land and educational reform, the Act reversed past assimilationist policies and promoted the reservation of traditions and culture. The allotment of Indian lands to individual households, which had led to a loss of tribal control over territories, was terminated. Educational and resource reforms were also included in the Act to strengthen tribes. Existing private ownership of Indian lands were not disturbed by this Act and this resulted in a checkerboard pattern of private and tribal land on reservations that complicates federal law to this day." This gets rid of essay sounding words like "further" and "however".

Education The sentence, "However, 19th century government laws, such as the Indian Removal Act of 1830, the Dawes Act of 1887 and the Curtis Act of 1898, eventually led to the demise of these tribal-run schools." should be reworded so it doesn't start with "however" and so it doesn't sosund essay like. A possible rephrasing can be: "The Indian Removal Act of 1830, the Dawes Act of 1887 and the Curtis Act of 1898, eventually led to the demise of these tribal-run schools."

For the sentence, "Specific issues that Native students face cannot be addressed by colonial educational models" I think you either need to expand and include what specfic issues are not addressed by colonial educaitonal models and what colonial models? American colonialism? British? be specific. This sentence feels as if it will lead to you taking a position so if you do keep it, try to remain neutral and presesent both sides.

Similarily, the wording of the following paragraph should include more neutral langauge. "I would cross out "main" and I would take out "greatly" and "benefit the most". The last sentence in this pargarph especially should be reworded because the phrasing indicates an assumption about a group of people ("Native students"). "There are some main considerations to inform pedagogical approaches. First, it has been shown that Native students benefit from having a close relationship with a mentor who cares about their well-being and educational success. Secondly, the incorporation of traditional educational practices, such as the incorporation of active learning and community experts into curricula, greatly improves Native students' academic performance. Finally, Native students benefit the most from educational settings that are culturally-specific and sensitive, while also attuned to mainstream values."

Stem Education For the sentence, "(Studies have shown that) Native students benefit the most from educational environments that encourage their unique identity while also building the foundations for mainstream success." I would get rid of the paranthesis so that it formally reads "Studies have shown that Native students . . . ". and I would also get rid of the phrasing "benefit the most" because again it assumes something about a group of people.

For the paragraph, "Technology in general has a lot of benefits and drawbacks for Native American tribes. Potential benefits of technology include a platform upon which to promote Native American voices. Technology could also help preserve and pass on culture and language. However, technology can also be viewed as an assimilation tool. Some Native Americans fear that exposure to mainstream culture through technology will distance the younger generations from traditional culture." I would reword the first sentence to something like, "Technology can have benefits and drawbacks for Native American tribes" to get rid of coloquial langauge such as "in general has a lot of". I would also reword the sentence that starts with "however" again to sound less essay like.

For the paragraph, "Science and the experiments and activities that are done, depend very much on who does them. A diversity in scientists and critical thinkers is necessary in order to be able to have a more complete understanding. [11]However, there are many barriers that Native American students face in entering STEM fields." I am confused on what statement the first two sentences are trying to make. Again try to be more neutral and clear about what you are informing about. Are you trying to say the effectiveness or the usefulness of science and the experiements/ activities is dependent on who does them? Who is who? People? Non Natives? Scientists? And a complete understanding of what? Again I would reword the third sentence because it starts with "however".

Overall you great job! You have added useful content!

Alexander's Peer Review
First off, I wanted to say great job on drafting. You have a lot present in this section and made it clear which pieces are yours and which came from the wikipedia article. I really liked how you crossed out text from the wikipedia article rather than simply deleting them so we are able to see what was originally written and how you plan to add onto it. When reading your drafts, the way you organize the information is good and well presented. A majority of the information is written in an encyclopedic tone and appears to be unbiased. You used reliable sources along with everything being cited properly. I do not see anything that I need to tell you to change or improve since you already acknowledge the areas which need to be improved through the notes you have for yourself. Keep up the good work!

Alex3877 (talk) 23:57, 4 April 2019 (UTC)

Responding to Peer Review
I really appreciated all of the feedback. I am happy that both reviewers were pleased with my sources. I think I have a good collection, but I could definitely use more sources for my sector. I primarily need to work on my drafting, encyclopedic tone a bit more. I'm too used to writing in an academic tone. Angela's edits will help a lot with that. I also just need to synthesize and summarize more information from my sources. Those are my main priorities for the next week. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Szabad lelek (talk • contribs) 03:35, 16 April 2019 (UTC)