User talk:THROWDOWNHC

THE LEGEND OF THE WAFFLE IRON

You hold in your hands one of the most sacred totems in the history of Midwestern culture. The waffle iron is a wedding fetish whose origins are lost in history. Ancient Celtic excavations in northern France have unearthed bronze grid cooking utensils which may have been its historical precursors, but this is a subject of much scholarly debate (1). At any rate, since the dawn of Midwestern culture (2), the waffle iron has served a sacred function. The nuptial is not complete unless a blood relative (or close facsimile) presents the couple with a waffle iron. Legend has it that, so long as the waffle iron remains intact and in use at least once each year, the marriage will prosper (3). If the waffle iron is neglected, or falls into disrepair, then likewise shall the marriage be diminished.

The legend of the waffle iron was pooh-poohed by most respectable scholars until the Great Waffle Iron Fiasco of 1971. A shipment of defective waffle irons from Taiwan touched off the highest divorce rate in Kansas' history. Statistical analysis showed that the only probable correlative were the third-rate waffle irons (4). If that isn't proof enough for you, consider the advent of those frozen toaster waffles and the rising rate of marital discord in this country. Only the most stubborn social scientist would fail to comprehend the connection (5).

Despite the best intentions of psychiatrists and sociologists, the secret of a good marriage is not communication, empathy, or good personal hygiene. It is that happy Sunday morning in November when the waffle iron gets hauled out from behind the Osterizer and the Megajuicer and a box of waffle batter mix gets used-before-it-goes-bad. Such mornings offer marriages a proper, symmetrical foundation.

The next time you visit a garage sale or Goodwill, take a moment to mourn the pile of second-hand waffle irons. Each one is sad testimony to a marriage that just didn't make it.

Good luck. And don't say that I didn't warn you... --- (1) See Chou, Petit, "Les Gauffres Gauiloises," Le Grand Journal Des Choses Absurdes, May 1952. See also Moutarde, Dijon, "Chou, Il est Fou," Le Grand Journal Des Choses Absurdes, December 1952. (2) Circa 1926. (3) Jammer, Katzen, "Better Keep Your Waffle Iron Clean, Doncha' Know," Minnesota Homemakers Monthly, August 1955. (4) Jammer, Katzen, "Told Ja So," Kansas Homemakers Monthly, June 1974.

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