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A Modest Proposal Posted on Wednesday 8 March 2006 FOR PREVENTING THE OVERPAID ATHLETES OF AMERICA FROM USING STEROIDS TO ENHANCE THEIR STATISTICAL PRODUCTIVITY IN MAJOR LEAGUE SPORTS

It is a great disappointment to learn, after years of idolizing professional athletes, that all of their walk off homeruns, buzzer beating baskets, and game winning field goals are invalid. Certain athletes are infecting the wide world of sports by using steroids to increase their strength and ultimately cheat.

Opening Sports Illustrated every week used to be an enjoyable time when I would expand my knowledge of sports. Now, it is merely a depressing opportunity to learn who the next accused steroid user is.

Past greats are having their records broken by frauds who have no respect for the fans or the game that made them who they are. Take into consideration the all time homerun record. Three of the top ten career homerun leaders have been accused of taking steroids, while one has actually been caught. Hank Aaron, one of the greatest baseball players to ever pick up a bat, is in jeopardy of having his record broken by a man who injects himself with anabolic steroids in his buttocks.

The youth of America are growing up in a society where these cheaters and liars are being placed on pedestals. Yankees first baseman, Jason Giambi, admitted to using two types of steroids: “the cream,” a testosterone-based balm, and “the clear,” a liquid steroid. Despite his confession to cheating, fans across America still wear t-shirts and jerseys bearing “Giambi 25” on the back, as if he is their idol. I am shocked that they haven’t continued the theme of producing products endorsed by cheaters and made t-shirts with “Richard Nixon 72” on the back.

Given the disappointment of many of America’s children at the fraud perpetuated by professional athletes, I offer a Modest Proposal…

In 1996, there was an all time high of 1, 285, 000 Americans living with limb loss. This disease can be caused by trauma, infection, diabetes, cancer, and vascular disease. In some cases, infants can even be born without limbs. In order to reduce the growing number of amputees and victims of limb loss, I offer we volunteer athletes who have used steroids to donate their limbs. These people have proved to the world that they do not have an appreciation for their bodies, which is why we should not let them go to waste. I am almost certain that the victims of limb loss and amputees would value their newly acquired arms and legs.

According to my research, the following people would be eligible to donate: Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro, Todd Sauerbrun, Marion Jones, Jose Canseco, Jason Giambi, Juan Gonzalez, Ivan Rodriguez, Gary Sheffield, Mike Morse, Mike Cloud, Alex Sanchez, Jorge Piedra, Augustin Montero, Jamal Strong, Juan Rincon, Rafael Betancourt, and Ryan Franklin. While it doesn’t sound like a lot, rest assured, there will be more to come.

In all fairness to the athletes, I have set up a reasonable system for who donates what: only the ones who have either tested positive or admitted to using steroids will have to donate all four limbs. Athletes who were accused of using steroids will only have to donate two limbs, and those two will be of their own choice. According to my calculations with this system, that would come out to be sixty-six limbs. That would mean that there would be sixteen less amputees and another person with either arms or legs. Interestingly enough, by donating these athletes’ limbs to amputees, they are becoming amputees themselves. Our goal is to reduce the number of limb loss victims, therefore we shall dispose of their torsos and heads by feeding them to the starving children of the world. Every year, over fifteen million children die of hunger. A different torso or head will be donated to a different poverty stricken country.

Young athletes will not be tempted to even try steroids for fear of being caught. I believe there could be a strong advertisement campaign and I have even taken the liberty of making a few ads, one of which being a billboard reading: WARNING! Steroids may cause intense diarrhea, acne, migraines, intestinal parasites, tumors, decrease in size of testicles, or loss of arms, legs, torso, and head.

There is no doubt in my mind that this is the only way to go about preventing the use of steroids. I cannot see anyone having the nerve to propose another solution for the others would probably be viewed as immoral and impractical. Therefore, let no one suggest suspensions of players from their designated sports; regular testing of athletes; fines for offenders; making steroid use illegal; or the closing of the number one steroid producer, BALCO.

Unfortunately, I do not believe I will be able to partake in what I have just proposed. I don’t feel as if there is any specific benefit for me besides bettering my society and the world of sports. Perhaps, educating the youth of America on these bad role models is one motivation, but I am a member of the youth of America. Therefore, I feel it fitting for the adults to take care of that job. Anyways, I have always liked Sammy Sosa.

Alex Katz @ 8:52 pm 1 Comment, click here to view or add your own