User talk:Theynostaydead/sandbox

Peer Review COMM 206
I think the improvements you've made have definitely helped the article, but I would double check some sections so that it's in better condition.


 * The sources used are reliable and you only linked off to the organizations website once, which is impressive and something that my group definitely needs to improve on.


 * The lead in the article should show what the reader is going to find in the article. While you give good background information here, one sentence might not be enough to highlight your entire article. I would also rethink about the "no-kill" part. Our class may know what that means, but comes across as if you're trying to paint them in a bad light. Maybe you can create a different section where you talk about the no-kill part and if not maybe its not necessary to include that they're a "no kill" shelter?


 * Under History there is a couple of things you can improve on here. You begin talking about how they first opened in Barrignton where they house 40 animals. Do the same for the following sentence where you say they moved to Huntley in 2005 where they house up to 175 dogs and 80 cats. The sentence where you say that they adopted 23,000 pets needs to be fixed because they helped others adopt pets, Animal House Shelter didn't do the adopting.
 * Under Donations you have the "Second Annual Polo" under donations which probably would make more sense to put it under the Events section because the article doesn't necessarily mention much about money and focuses more on what occurred at the event.


 * Under Donations you also have a bit of a mixup in the timeline. Instead of talking about the Jan. 2014 boiler incident then about the Apr. 2014 Allstate donation and again back to the 2014 boiler incident, I would group both boiler incidents together since they occurred at the same time and are talking about the same thing and then I would talk about the Allstate donation.


 * In the sentence "The facility conducts a Presents for Pups fundraiser in which they collect and donate food, toys, cleaning supplies, and towels to local animal shelters, including Animal House Shelter. The doggy day care center also donates 20% of its profits from their dog biscuits sales to local animal shelters." make the wording more relevant to Animal House Shelter, especially in the latter sentence. Is it important to include that they donate 20% of their profit to other animal shelter? It kind of sounds like they don't do the same for Animal House Shelter. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Aquint22 (talk • contribs) 21:12, 17 April 2018 (UTC)


 * I was searching around and found a couple of articles that may be useful for your page:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/suburbs/batavia-geneva-st-charles/community/chi-ugc-article-association-for-individual-development-seekin-2015-08-12-story.html

Talks about a partnership with the Association for Individual Development (AID) in which people with developmental disables go to shelters, parks, libraries to help them with social and vocational skills. Animal House Shelter is one of the shelters that AID partners with.

http://abc7chicago.com/archive/6230522/

This article talk about how an influx of dogs and cats after a flood forced them to euthanize a lot of animals even though they claim to be a "no-kill" shelter.

I think these articles could definitely help beef up your article and make it flow better as well. Aquint22 (talk) 01:54, 16 April 2018 (UTC)

Jerry Peer Review for COMM 206

 * Your article seems to be relatively well written as well as clear and concise in some portions but could use some work in others, especially when it comes to the wording and general layout.
 * The lead section is worded very well and has a clear and obvious description of most of the things included within the article, but I think there is a little room where you could expand simply to show exactly what will be included such as mentioning the services, every other section in your article is essentially referenced so that would just be a minor edit in terms or wording. I also think that some of the language is ambiguous and should specify that this is specifically an animal shelter, nothing should be assumed just because of the title. Another idea is to give some background to people not in the know exactly what "no kill" means in this connotation.
 * The history section is a bit confusing as far as wording and some of the chosen topics. There is quite a bit of redundancy with the dog topic and comes off as anecdotal or advertising. Also the issue with the broken boiler seems as if it doesn't really fit in this section but if you chose to keep it maybe structuring the sentence differently. It flows unnaturally by talking about relevant history then kind of just dumps the info about the broken boiler. I actually think the boiler part could probably be deleted altogether in this section because you talk about this again in your donations section and how a new boiler was donated by black diamond plumbing for this same event. That redundancy should be fixed.
 * The controversy section also was somewhat confusing with its wording and chosen structure. I think that this incident could be written in a much more concise and understandable way possibly by talking about the employee and his background to start and then the incident that ensued after. As currently written it seems like the reader is assumed to know more about the situation than most probably do. The sentence structure probably should be reworked and reworded.
 * As far as the citation and reference list, I did notice that there are a few citations from the animal house shelter's website as well as from a local blog website about the donation. I would try and keep that to a minimum if used at all because the information from the actual institution or a blogger could obviously be biased and not appropriate for a Wikipedia article.
 * I do think there could be more information about the specific services and programs they offer and exactly what they do day to day if there is more information available on those aspects.
 * Here is another article you guys might find interesting as far as history. http://abc7chicago.com/archive/6230522/ This article talks about how in 2008 this institution greatly helped people from downstate Illinois who had to give up their pets due to the severe floods in that area at that time.
 * In general the article has a lot of good aspects as far as the information and general neutral tone but the structuring and wording could definitely be fine tuned and made more comprehensible in my estimation.Jval730 (talk) 19:38, 16 April 2018 (UTC)

Peer Review COMM 206 (Mgdlv)

 * Introduction:

I would still reword this introduction, to make is flow a little bit more. I would say "The Animal House Shelter is a nonprofit organization that operates a "no-kill" animal shelter for cats and dogs in Huntley, Illinois. The shelter was founded in 2002 and provides animal adoption and foster services." This is just a suggestion, could just be a case of style preference.


 * History:

This section's sentences sound a little bit choppy. I would suggest some rewording and restructuring of the sentences to make it all flow. For example, you can start off saying "The Animal House Shelter was founded in June 2002 by Leslie Erwin in Barrington, Illinois, where it housed up to 40 animals. In 2005 the shelter was relocated to its current location in Huntley, Illinois, where it houses 175 dogs and 80 cats, and was able to adopt out 23,000 animals by 2012."


 * Services:

This section is good, I would just suggest switching the order of the first two sentences (place the second one first), because it sounds like the second sentence cuts in between the first and last sentences. For example, "The Animal House shelter rescues and rehabilitates all dogs and cats before they are set out for adoption. It offers.... Full services include..."


 * Fundraising events:

Maybe the two sentences should be connected: "Dash for the Dogs 5k is an annual fundraising event that began in 2011." Also include a short introduction sentence just saying that the organization sustains itself through donations and money raised through fundraising events. I'm not sure if it's necessary to include the amount of people that attended the first race as well as how much money they were able to raise. Are there any more fundraising events that you can include?


 * Donations:

First donation needs some work. "In 2012 the Second Annual....sponsored the Animal House shelter." Maybe include a short sentence that describes the event, some people may not know what polo is.

"$1000" needs a comma after the 1.

The fifth donation was written nicely, I would just change the tense the third paragraph: "In the past, Ford provided Animal House Shelter with financial support and donated a vehicle to transport rescue animals."

The last donation sounds a bit like a mini commercial for FYDOLand. Reword to make it shorter and less about them. Example: "For Your Dog Only Land, a doggy day care center in Huntley, Illinois, donates food, toys, cleaning supplies, and towels to the Animal House Shelter through its Present for Pups fundraising event. It also donates 20% of its profits from dog biscuit sales.


 * References:

References 6 and 8 are the same, other than that I find them all to be appropriate sources and all the links work.


 * Overall, all the information is relevant, except for small detailed information that as I mentioned above may not be necessary. Other than that I see no biased words nor any over or underrepresention of view points. Just needs some rewarding to make the sections flow a little better. Mgarcdlv (talk) 18:16, 17 April 2018 (UTC)

JennyMayo Peer Review Comm 206
Overall, I think your information is well laid out and organized. The wording is also much better as it doesn’t read so much like a story or a brochure, but some sentences do still sound choppy.

Intro

 * I think your intro is good, as it’s quick and to the point. It defines AHS and provides a quick backstory.

History

 * The wording doesn’t flow as well in this section. You could maybe change the first sentence to “Leslie Irwin founded the shelter in June 2002. It was originally located in Barrington, Illinois, and then relocated to Huntley in 2005.”
 * It doesn't have to be that exactly, but just changing it a little so the sentences don't sound so choppy.

Services

 * I think this is a good start for this section, but it can definitely be expanded. You could possibly make each a subsection (Pet Adoption Services, Veterinary Care, etc.) and give some more information, such as defining what a pet sponsorship is.

Fundraising

 * I saw that just this month they have two upcoming events on their calendar from the website: Portillo’s Fundraiser and McHenry County Human Race. Because you have a section dedicated to just fundraising events, I think there should be more information provided.

Donations

 * You have a lot of information under "Donations" and I think your good on that aspect of it, but the wording could be improved.
 * Just as a suggestion, the second bullet point could be changed to “The shelter’s boiler stopped functioning during a winter storm in January of 2014. In response, the community donated blankets and heaters.”