User talk:ToryDilley/sandbox

Good analysis, Tory. I like your thorough review of the article in terms of what can be added/changed.Carolyncunningham (talk) 21:04, 2 April 2019 (UTC)

Peer Review by Jon Church
I enjoyed taking a look at the work in your sandbox as well as the start to the article about Ederyn Williams. Below, I have a few suggestions for the article that I have categorized by section. I am not seeing many edit suggestions in the sandbox, so maybe I got on too late to see some of those, so I will organize my comments by the section headings in the article itself. Currently, Williams' birth date is in parentheses in the lead. I would not put that information in parentheses and move it to the "Early Life and Education" section since it deals with things such as birth date. Additionally, the lead describes Williams as a "retired academic." Since this page will represent Williams not just now, but even after he passes, it seems to me like it would be better to remove "retired" from the lead section. I would Just say that he is an academic and commentator since that is a timeless description whereas "retired" seems only to describe him while he is still living. Currently, all of the information about Williams' education is in one sentence. That makes it so that the degrees Williams earned are in parentheses after each school Williams attended. I would break up this long sentence with parenthetical information. It seems like it may be more clear to write individual sentences about each level of education that Williams received so that the information does not have to be contained in parentheses. Specifically, there could be individual sentences for his K-12 education, his time at Trinity College for his bachelor's degree, and his doctorate at Oxford. Also, the sentence about Williams editing his father's book seems like it would fit better under the section about his career or his published work. I would not consider that to go under the heading "Early Life and Education." In the first sentence of this section, there is the following claim: "For seven years he was a research assistant in psychology at University College London, Cambridge University and Johns Hopkins University.." I am not quite sure what the "seven years" refers to. Was Williams a research assistant for seven years at each of these schools? Or was he moving between these schools for seven years? I think clarifying that claim about the time period and those three schools could be helpful. Additionally, in this section and throughout the article, Williams is referred to as just "he." Although this may be picky, I would change this to "Williams" at least for the first time in each section. Otherwise, the pronoun use could seemingly be ambiguous. I found a couple more works that Williams published that could be added. These include: "Coalition Formation Over the Communications Media" published in the European Journal of Psychology; "Uncle Sam's Out in Front, but We Are Hot on His Heels" published in the Times Higher Education Supplement; "Ambition, Commitment, and the Ability to Think Beyond" published in the Times High Education Supplement. Those are all available on EBSCO Host.
 * Ederyn Williams (Lead)
 * Early Life and Education
 * Career
 * Published Works

I hope that some of these suggestions are helpful and good luck as you work on the article! I&#39;llallowit (talk) 23:46, 27 April 2019 (UTC)