User talk:Toshalikatyal/sandbox

Toshali's Peer Review by Jasmine Tsui
Hi Toshali, Below are my comments for your summarizing and synthesizing section.

Homelessness in San Francisco Bay Area

Introduction: If there is future peer editing or even for Professor when she looks over your sandbox, make it clear which sections are copy pasted from the article. I’m looking at the Homelessness in San Francisco page and I think the second paragraph up until the last sentence is. What Clare suggested to me when I was copy pasting was bolding the copy paste and noting under synthesizing and summarizing that the bolded words are copy pasted. Or I could totally be misreading this and you already edited the actual Wikipedia page. In this case, please ignore my comments on it.

I really liked the fact "a minimum wage worker would have to work approximately 4.7 full-time jobs to be able to rent a two-bedroom apartment.” Facts like that bring into perspective how expensive living in San Francisco is. If possible, it would be great to include more facts that give readers a picture of why homelessness is so prevalent. Maybe facts that have to do with the average or median cost of living in San Francisco and other Bay Area cities, the average/median income, the number of houses available in comparison to the population living there, etc.

Causes: You might want to add a citation by the end of the causes paragraph. Also, think about including what factors specific to the SF Bay Area have made homelessness such a pressing problem. Homelessness in San Francisco District: If you all are changing the name to San Francisco Bay Area instead of just San Francisco, perhaps you should expand the discussion on other areas in the Bay Area like Berkeley, Richmond, Fremont, Pittsburg, Oakland, etc. Otherwise people may not understand the need to change the name of the article if you are still just discussing San Francisco. For each place, you could also include its won history with and causes of homelessness. Perhaps different cities may have different approaches to addressing homelessness as well.

It would be really great if you all could add a section of Solutions or at least what is being done in an attempt to remedy the situation. I see there is a “Current efforts to address the issue” section. I’m not sure if maybe another student is developing that section, but it would definitely use some work especially since I’m assuming the practice experience organizations are working to combat homelessness. Perhaps you all can divide this section into subsections like Homeless Shelters, Subsidized/Section 8/Affordable Housing, Building more homes (like Tiny Homes), etc.

Tobacco Control The last sentence of the introduction might not make sense if you plan on removing the connotations section from the article.

Comprehensive Tobacco Control Policies: The second sentence of the first paragraph was a bit confusing for me- it just seemed long with a lot of ands and commas. Also it might make more sense to say notable at a state and national level not or. For the third/last sentence some minor edits are organized not organised and it might be clearer to just put (FCTC) in parentheses after instead of the explanation of its abbreviation and commas. The second (what looks like a) paragraph is one really long sentence, so maybe if you could organize it in a way that isn’t comma after comma- maybe a bulleted list? If this exists, maybe you could include a list and discussion of successful tobacco control policies and what made them successful.

From the sandbox, I’m not sure what you’ve done for Tobacco Control because it seems like everything is copy pasted (but it could also be that you edited the actual Wikipedia page already). I looked at the original page and maybe you could add a section on the advantages and disadvantages where you discuss an ongoing debate about tobacco control if any.

I like the balanced, unbiased viewpoint you have in your writing while still conveying information!

I’m not sure how important this is because the actual Wikipedia page automatically does it, but it would be nice if you could title the References section in your sandbox and have the corresponding citation number because right now, they are bullet points. Jasmine.tsui (talk) 05:07, 18 March 2018 (UTC)

Arielle's Peer Review for Toshali
Hi Toshali,

I'm Arielle from Thursday's class and I was assigned to review your article drafts. Let me know if you have any feedback on the feedback!

Here are some suggestions for minor edits in your intro:

Introduction

"According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, homelessness is described to be "without permanent housing who may live on the streets; stay in a shelter, mission, single room occupancy facilities, abandoned building or vehicle; or in any other unstable or non-permanent situation."[7]

I would slightly reword so that this reads "...homelessness is described as being "without permanent housing...."

"Into the 20th century, the Great Depression of the 1930s caused a devastating epidemic of poverty, hunger, and homelessness. The number of homeless people grew in the 1980s, as housing and social service cuts increased. There were two million homeless people migrating across the United States[8], especially into (onto?) the west coast."

Consider: "The Great Depression of the 1930s caused a devastating epidemic of poverty, hunger, and homelessness." Can you add a citation or a link to the Great Depression wiki page? Also, can you add a sentence or two to fill in the gap between the 1930s and the 1980s? Otherwise it feels a bit jumpy to the reader.

"San Francisco is part of the 9-county Northern Californian Bay Area, containing four of the ten most expensive counties in the United States."

Can you cite this? Also, I see that it is not sourced on the original wiki page.

"With a population exceeding 7 million, the SF Bay Area has an increasingly expensive housing market that is difficult for many to afford. In San Francisco, a minimum wage worker would have to work approximately 4.7 full-time jobs to be able to rent a two-bedroom apartment. San Francisco has several thousand homeless residents, despite extensive efforts by city government to address the issue.[9] Homelessness in San Francisco and the Bay Area is a growing concern which has warranted the rise of legislative policies and grassroots organizations aiming to tackle the issue."

This is the same as the live wiki page so I am unsure if this is original work. It is well written, but it is cited differently in the live page than it is in your sandbox so it is a bit confusing.

Causes

This section is solid and neutral, but it does draw conclusions. While I understand that conclusions are pretty much unavoidable in a section such as "causes", I think this section would be well served by more sources to back up the information.

Overall I think that it's well written, informative, and neutral!

Here's my review of "Tobacco Control"

I'm unsure of what is your original work and what's taken from the live page. That being said, it looks good.

From the "Comprehensive Tobacco Control Policies" section:

"Progress was initially notable at a state or national level, particularly the pioneering smoke-free public places legislation introduced in New York City in 2002 and the Republic of Ireland in 2004, and the UK efforts to encapsulate the crucial elements of tobacco control activity in the 2004 'six-strand approach' (to deliver upon the joined-up approach set out in the white paper 'Smoking Kills'[12] ) and its local equivalent, the 'seven hexagons of tobacco control'[13]."

I would break this down into a few sentences, it's really long. Also, I would reword the beginning to read "Progress was initially notable at the state and national level. Examples include the pioneering of smoke-free public places in New York City in 2002 and the Republic of Ireland in 2004." and then go on from there.

"The FCTC compels signatories to advance activity on the full range of tobacco control fronts, including limiting interactions between legislators and the tobacco industry, imposing taxes upon tobacco products and carrying out demand reduction, protecting people from exposure to second-hand smoke in indoor workplaces and public places through smoking bans, regulating and disclosing the contents and emissions of tobacco products, posting highly visible health warnings upon tobacco packaging, removing deceptive labelling (e.g. 'light' or 'mild'), improving public awareness of the consequences of smoking, prohibiting all tobacco advertising, provision of cessation programmes, effective counter-measures to smuggling of tobacco products, restriction of sales to minors and relevant research and information-sharing among the signatories."

I would also recommend breaking this sentence up significantly, and adding more sources. Maybe break it into different fronts, i.e. legal front, social front, public health front, marketing front, etc so that it's not just a list?

Overall, the article seems neutral and informative, it just needs more sources and a bit more elaboration.

Thanks!

Ariellibelly (talk) 19:33, 19 March 2018 (UTC)

Mainspace Peer Review — Emily
Homelessness in the SF Bay Area

Copyedits

{Housing Crisis}

Consider changing "neighbors" (2nd sentence) to a different word, perhaps residents? It just sounds a little odd to me. Additionally, I don't think it is necessary to cite every sentence, if everything is from the same source. But this might be a glitch showing up on my end.

{Exclusionary Zoning Policies}

Would the second sentence be "That increases demand for development..."? In the second paragraph the word "preserves" sounds a little out of place, consider using a different word? Same comment as above for citations.

General Feedback

I have heard about the SF housing crisis, but it is fascinating to hear more about the details of everything that is going on! I think that it is great that you are contributing to an underdeveloped article!

Tobacco Control

I am not sure what the link at the end is for, possibly a source?

--Eklui (talk) 00:17, 25 April 2018 (UTC)