User talk:Tuj81082/sandbox

Week 12 feedback: Below is feedback from your peer reviewer, and I bolded the suggestions I recommend you do. In addition there are no citations for the new section you want to add. Anything you add that isn't a copyedit must be supported by citations. Adrishaw (talk) 21:36, 18 November 2020 (UTC)

Hey, these are my suggestions for what you can do to fix your article.

---For this sandbox specifically--- -Update all statistics! -the edits are supposed to be in the article sandbox, which would be Tuj81082/Social Media and Suicide. -Instead of noting where in the article each sentence would eventually fit, try to make connections between the information and put them in chronological order to make a more structured paragraph. -The text in the references section should be moved to the content section above it. Leave the references section for references only''' -Recopy-paste the second reference so they are listed as 1 and 2, after you remove the text from the references section. Then fix the sentences that reference the second source to be marked as “2.”''' -In-text citations should go at the end of the sentence or word utilizing it rather than at the beginning of a sentence '''-Remove “it has taken a turn for the worst” because it implies bias. I believe that sentence could be stronger, for example, here is my suggestion: “While these platforms intend to allow people to virtually connect with others, it has created a toxic environment that leads to cyberbullying, insecurity, emotional distress, and ultimately suicide.”''' '''-I believe you may have misunderstood the sentence about Ask.fm. I believe the original author was referring to nine(9) teen-suicides, as opposed to nineteen. In order to find out, try to find a source to verify this information.''' -It may be interesting to include a specific example of a teen suicide due to social media toxicity. -You could also find more statistics to create a stronger argument for how exactly social media contributes to more teen suicide and depression/anxiety.

---For the live article--- -In the social media risks section, I suggest replacing “in many cases” with an actual statistic to strengthen the sentence. -Maybe delete “suicide is a considerable public health problem” because I don’t think the reader really needs to be told that information, and this article already makes the point that suicide is a public health concern. -Hyperlink the case study review in addition to citing it at the end of the sentence. -The sentence that starts with “one risk…” could be shortened to start off like “Social media ‘games’ put kids at risk of suicide challenges…” etc. '-In reference to the sentence I listed above, I suggest adding one more sentence after it to transition into the next section and to make this sentence seem less arbitrary, or add it to the next section.' -Talk more about Snapchat, Instagram, and TikTok especially. It may be interesting to discuss how the social media platforms are monitoring cyberbullying on social media. -This article puts a lot of focus on the overt cyberbullying but seems to omit the more passive-aggressive cyberbullying I see all over the Internet nowadays. Although there may be less of the overt cyberbullying today, our generation is still problematic for ignoring it. I think it could be beneficial to talk about internet bystanding too. -Maybe strengthen (and modernize) the article by talking just a little bit about online hate speech, especially given our current political climate.