User talk:Tweety 712

Chapter 9: Party of Three "March 19. Joshua told the people, 'Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.' ... 'See, the ark of the covenant of the Lord of all the earth will go into the Jordan ahead of you.'... So when the people broke camp to cross the Jordan, the priests carrying the Ark of the Covenant went ahead of them. Josh 3:5,11,14. After I got home from the Science League competition, I placed my books on the couch and my bag on the dinning room table. My house's front door was open because I was feeling unstable and lost of reality. I was still shocked at hearing James reveal Johnny's terrifying truth. At this time, I felt so used and unwanted by Johnny. He treated me like a toy! Johnny played me and abused my heart, over and over again until now, I realized that it was not for a prize, but just for the heck of it! He didn't want me! Johnny just wanted to flirt, to hear me compliment him, and to feel like he is the "man"! I didn't get it! Was it because I was too white, too skinny, too geeky, and too ugly of everything?! What did I ever do to Johnny that made him take advantage of me? Why couldn't I be happy? In the beginning, I felt hopeless! I thought no one would pay attention to me! Sadly, Johnny did, but for the wrong reasons! What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone like me for who I am? Can't I ever be enough or do I have to start pretending to be like someone else so I can find true love? Honestly, I really thought I had a chance with Johnny; we were becoming closer and closer everyday, especially after the day that I kissed him. We talked about everything from TV shows to school to personal subjects! The only thing I hid from him was that I believe that I love him. I didn't want to admit it because I wasn't sure if it really was love because I barely experienced this type of feeling! We weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend, so how could I fall for him already? I'm so confused! Everything was perfect between Johnny and I until today! That girl! What's so special about her? Why Boston, Massachussetts? What does she have that I don't have? Is it because I don't live far enough from him and she does? For goodness sakes! Was that why he was so shock after I kissed him that day? He likes the girl since then? After all those times we spent together, Johnny kept her from me! Lies! He's a bunch of lies! He probably never even dreamed about giving me a chance! I wish I had never met Johnny! I wish I could go back in the past and not attend Eddie's party! I couldn't stop crying on my bed, so I started to read the page that was today's date from "Our Daily Journey". On the page, there were a passage and a story that bought to my attention. Will tomorrow be a better day for me? Will the Lord actually provide me with amazing things? I guess I would soon find out tomorrow. Ring! Ring! Ring! My cell phone rang next to me. I picked up and said, "Hello?" "Hi! Are you okay? Were you crying?" Kathy asked. "Ah.. I guess," I answered. I didn't want to admit my tears because I knew Kathy cares about me and so that would increase my sobs. "Aawww! James is really sorry about that!" Kathy explained. I guessed whatever answer I gave her, Kathy would still feel bad for me since she already knew what happened. As I expected, I started to burst out in tears. Kathy heard me and said, "Vanessa! He only likes her as a friend! She lives 500 miles away from here! She was his childhood friend. They used to be neighbors. That's all." "If she's just a friend, then why did James agree with me when I asked if Johnny likes someone?" "Because you asked him! And he knew you wanted to hear an answer! So he said 'yes'!" "But, why her?" "Vanessa, he only sees her once a year. The last time he saw her was last July. Don't worry, Vanessa! He likes you as a friend!" "Okay, now I'm confused. You and James always say that! 'Vanessa, he likes you!' Then at the end you guys would add 'as a friend'! I don't get it! Why?" "I don't know, Vanessa." "Johnny also likes her as a friend and yet James named her and not me." "Vanessa, I'm trying to make you feel better. I just don't know what else to say anymore. Aren't you happy he likes you as a friend?" After I got off the phone with Kathy, I went to the kitchen to get some Doritos Barbeque flavor, and then stayed at the living room. I turned on Channel 11 because "Will and Grace" was showing, but I barely noticed that it was still playing. I was gradually putting images of my situation with Johnny in my mind, trying to connect them like they were pieces of the puzzle. The girl lived 500 miles away from Palisades, there was no way Johnny would want a relationship with a girl so far away from him. She is just a friend, a childhood friend, like Jericho and me. Convincing myself that all my assumptions about Johnny and me and Johnny and the Boston girl were facts, I suddenly stopped crying and started to smile. I even began to giggle after a few contemplations of memories with him, especially at Eddie's party, the walks to my fourth block class, the kiss I gave him, and other stuff that made me remember what I love about Johnny so much. No! I couldn't love him, at least not yet! I was only seventeen years old and a high school junior! But then again, in the past, girls got married at the age of twelve! Unfortunately, I was living in a different era than those twelve year old girls who got married. So maybe, what I had for Johnny was just puppy love, nothing serious. I hope. Feeling a little bit relieved, I decided to send instant messages to Johnny. DeviliciousAngel: Hi! DeviliciousAngel: I'm sorry about today! DeviliciousAngel: I believed what James said about you and her is true. He said that you like this Boston girl who used to be your neighbor. BigPunHom: Sorry I didn't tell you first. When he typed in "Sorry I didn't tell you first", I prayed that he meant something good, even if he apologized for it. DeviliciousAngel: Huh? What do you mean? I know, he was just joking. BigPunHom: I'm sorry. DeviliciousAngel: Huh? It's okay! She's just your friend! I know! BigPunHom: Aah.. DeviliciousAngel: What? BigPunHom: Are you going to be okay? I was frustrated by his reply because he wasn't speaking clearly as I expected. It was as if Johnny was trying to say something, but he barely could find the right words that wouldn't hurt as much as he meant. DeviliciousAngel: Yeah? Why? BigPunHom: Because now you know.. And I didn't tell you about her. DeviliciousAngel: But you don't like her. She's just your friend from Boston. BigPunHom: I'm sorry. James shouldn't have told you. I didn't want to hurt you. My eyes started to hurt as if rocks grew inside my eyes and were ready to come out and hit the ground. I couldn't believe it! Johnny likes her! James wasn't lying; he was just denying! Nonstop tears kept falling down my eyes without a bucket to hold them. BigPunHom: Vanessa, are you going to be ok? Still shock from his words, I ignored Johnny because my hands were not enough to catch my tears. Silently, I tiptoed to the bathroom and grabbed some tissues. A minute later, my Sidekick II rang with an unfamiliar phone number. "Hello?" I asked, trying not to stutter. "Hi, is this Vanessa?" Johnny asked. By now, I was able to distinguish his voice from everyone else over the phone. "Yeah." "Are you okay?" "Yeah.." I lied. "Why?" "Because you haven't answered my IMs." "Oh.. Heheh.." For about three seconds, it was silence. Then, Johnny confessed saying, "Sorry about what happened. I meant to tell you. I just didn't know how. I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but I just did. I'm really sorry." Without noticing it, I began to cry. I replied, "It's okay, trying to pull back my tortured feelings. "No, it's not okay. I really feel bad. I'm such a bad person. I should've told you." "No, you're not." "Are you crying?" he asked. After I heard him mention about crying, I began to weep even faster and louder. "No," I lied again, Johnny already hearing me cry. I didn't want him to feel bad for me because I already had too many people who felt bad for me. It was depressing me even more because then, it showed how needy I was. I didn't want people to be my friends if they only felt bad for me; it was too sad! "Aarghhzz! Ah!!" I yelled, trying to hold back my tears. "I'm sorry," he answered. "Oh, no! Aah! I feel so I don't know. I don't want to let you hear me cry but I'm crying. I can't stop. I feel so embarrassed. You're the first one to hear me cry." "Oh, it's okay. Aw man, now I feel more bad because you're crying and it's my fault." "No, it's not. I'm the one who likes you." "So? I didn't tell you I like somebody else." "Yeah.." I answered, continuing to cry faster and heavier. "Is there anything I could do?" "No, it's okay." My voice started to lose its balance. "You want to go chill tomorrow?" I thought of what he said for a minute, and then I didn't know how to respond to his question. Of course, I wanted to spend time with him tomorrow or any day, but what if I get more hurt? What if he was just asking me to hang out with him because he felt bad for me, not because he wanted to be with me? How could I tell if he was lying or not? "No, it's okay. I'm okay. Don't worry," I finally answered. "Please. I want to do something with you. Anything. What about the movies after school?" he offered. After a couple of "please" from Johnny, I had a convincing feeling that he wouldn't hang up until I agreed to go to the movies with him. So I decided to attend the movies with him tomorrow. "Okay, good," he replied back. "I know you feel bad for me and that's why you're doing this. You don't want to hang out with me. You don't like me. You dislike me." I kept going on and on about my assumptions and then, broke down with new tears. "No! That's not true! Who told you that? If I didn't care for you, I wouldn't have called you and asked if you were okay. I even used my home phone just to call you because I had no free minutes left in my cell phone. I didn't offer a movie because I felt bad for you. I was worried. I never called anyone in my house phone like this. You're the first." "Oh, okay." "Again, I'm sorry." After our confessions about our opinions and emotions toward each other, Johnny and I continued to stay on the phone for about two more hours until 1 in the morning came. The next day in school, I felt very paranoid. I barely planned to meet him even though we discussed that our relationship wasn't going to change. Unfortunately, after thinking three boys were he, I finally conquered his face after first block. In a quick turn to the direction of my second block class, I noticed that Johnny followed me. It was true that I barely wanted him to see my reddish, swollen eyes, but I also hoped not to get hurt from him anymore. I had enough of his lies! "Vanessa, are you okay?" he asked, standing in front of me. He blocked my way, so I turned in a one hundred eighty degrees angle to escape his path. Without expecting anything, Johnny grabbed my left arm and I said, "Yeah! I have to go!" Then, I shook my left arm to hint that I wanted Johnny to let go off my arm. Today I skipped lunch and headed for the library. I knew what Johnny would do if he saw me at the cafeteria, so I thought it was safer and more secure to stay at the library. After school, I visited Kathy at her locker because she had to tell me something crucial supposedly. "You're going to the movies?" she asked. "Huh? I don't know," I answered, not expecting for her to know about the movies Johnny forced me to go to. "What do you mean you don't know? Johnny told me that you're going." "Oh, okay." "Please, Vane! Come! He really wants you to be happy!" "Then, can he stop liking the girl?" "Come on! Don't do this to me! I want you to be happy too!" "Yeah, I thought so. He can't, can he? Whatever." Out of nowhere, I felt a tap on my right shoulder, so I turned around to check whom it was. Obviously, it was Johnny; he was the only guy who always tapped me on my shoulder. "Are you going?" "Yeah," I said. I couldn't say no to him! He is just too adorable! It's like saying no to a three year old girl who wants ice cream! You just can't resist their eyes and innocence! "You are?!" Kathy exclaimed. "Yeah," I answered. "I'll pick you up at your house by five," Johnny demanded. When I came home right after school, all I did was watch TV shows and ate. I didn't like waiting for something that I knew could hurt me, but I also didn't like regretting things, so I made my final decision to go to the movies with Johnny. Unfortunately, I wasn't excited to be in the movie theatre all alone with the person who lied and hurt me. So, I kept my tan DKNY sweat pants and hooded zippered sweater on the whole day, even at the movie theatre. I didn't bother changing my clothes into something more stylish and classy because I was more comfortable with my sweats on. At the movie theatre, Johnny picked out a scary move for us to watch. "What movie are we watching?" I asked, knowing that I would be terrified if the movie was beyond frightening. "Hostel," Johnny answered as he held hands with me while walking to the room where the movie was playing. I didn't know why he chose to hold hands with me as we headed for our seats, but I thought that was too strange. "Is that scary?" "Yeah," he replied as he opened the door to the movie room. "Oh no! I'll die!" I said as I entered the dark, mysterious movie room. "Don't do that! I'll die for you," he replied, still holding hands with me as we searched for good seats. We decided to sit in the center of the room where surprisingly, not many people sat that time. "Are you okay?" Johnny asked as he saw me jumped out of my seat when a huge monster appeared on the screen. "Yeah," I smiled, trying not to embarrass myself. "We could watch another movie if you want. Do you want to watch comedy instead?" "No, I'm okay." I lied, hoping he doesn't think I'm a scaredy cat now. "Don't worry, I'm here," he replied as he put his left arm around me and pulled me closer to him in a slow, gentle move. I was so nervous, not because of the movie, but because of this whole thing with Johnny. Was this consider a date? It was the first time Johnny and I ever been to the movie theatre alone. What were his intentions of bringing me to a place where no one could see us getting intimate, if we did get intimate I mean? During the movie, I would take his right hand and cover my eyes with it. His hand was so cold, probably because of the coolness of the room. When there were girls in the movie, I would cover his eyes and we would both laugh. He wasn't my boyfriend, so I barely held hands with him. A few times during the movie, I felt awkward with him because I couldn't get the girl from Boston out of my mind. I felt that I was interrupting his crush for her if I made a move, so I tried to calm myself. There were times when Johnny would flirt with me during the movie, but I tried my best to avoid it. Sometimes, I just couldn't resist! One of those times was when Johnny kissed me while a naked scene from "Hostel" was playing! Funny thing was, this time we french kissed! It was great, but no! It was also bad! "Are you thirsty?" he asked when the movie got boring. "Huh?" I kept dozing off and thinking of our latest kiss together, just a few minutes ago. "Are you thirsty?" he repeated with a louder voice, assuming I couldn't hear because of the movie. "Oh, no. It's okay," I answered. "I can see it in your eyes. You're thirsty!" he replied and then he slowly moved his hand away from me to leave the movie room. "Be right back. I'm going to get you one." When Johnny came back, I noticed he brought only one straw for the giant soda cup. "There's only one straw." "I know. Why? You want two straws? You don't want to share? I'll get another one. Wait," he answered, offering to get me another straw. Johnny stood up from his seat again until I grabbed his left arm and said, "No.. Wait! I'm okay." I didn't think anything was wrong with sharing a straw with Johnny, but I told myself I would stay away from flirting with him! I considered having one straw for two people flirting, especially when each of us touched the tip of the straw with our lips, the lips that we used as tools to kiss each other! I told myself that I was going to be a good girl in the movie theatre, so I should start acting like one. In fact, with that Boston girl in my mind, I could not concentrate with our so-called "date", especially when I felt like a party of three. Having three people in the movie theatre, whether or not one was visible through the eyes of men, was barely introduced as a date in my opinion. Throughout the rest of the movie, Johnny continued to make a move on me! He kept reaching for my hand, but I crossed my arms. I felt bad, but I had to do what I had to do. He was like a puppy that was being punished from breaking silverware! I was the silverware that he broke, so Johnny should be punish for tearing me apart. What he did to me could not put me back into solid silverware, even with glue. The glue spots would just signify the pain, anger, and frustration I had for Johnny after discovering about "the other girl".

Chapter 10: She Said, "Yes!" "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my fish, they stumbled and fell. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion; in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock... Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy upon me, and answer me. Psalms 27: 1,2,5,7." "Thank you, Angela. Now, who else wants to read it?" Ms. Riley asked, and then she saw my raised hand. "Yes, Vanessa?" "Oh, no. I don't want to read, but I have a question," I answered as soon as I put my right hand down. "Oh! A question! Great! That's always good! What is it?" "Remember on Valentine's Day, you had a question? You asked us about the opposite of love. Did anyone answer your question yet?" "I believe some have, some haven't. I can't tell you the answer, Vanessa. I want you, including the rest of the class, to find the answer for yourselves. I'll be happy to hear you found the answer once you discover it yourselves." "Oh, okay. Thanks. I was just wondering because I never heard you give us the answer." "Don't worry, you'll know it. You'll even feel it and live it." Confused by her last words, I decided to give up trying to figure out what the opposite of love was, at least for now. After the Bible Club was over, I walked to my locker in the second floor and when I passed by the library, I noticed Kathy by the computer. "Hey! So what's up?" I asked her as I entered the room "James asked me out!" Kathy shrieked. "What? When? What did you say? How?" I said curiously, but also worried about what her parents would say and not say. "While you were at the movies with Johnny, I was at the library with James for a while. Then, yeah. He asked me to be his girlfriend! And yeah, we kissed again and again and again! Heheh!" "Wow! Then I guess you guys are boyfriend and girlfriend again and again and again! Hahah!" "Yeah! Sure! So what happened last Friday? Melissa told me to ask you! She already knew, but not me! Did you guys kiss?" "Heheh, yeah. We did, but after that, I avoided him." "What? Why? Don't you like him?" "Yeah, of course! I mean, he's everything I dreamed of! But I can't be with him if he likes someone else! He never even told me that he likes me so maybe he doesn't like me. I don't know. He's really confusing." "Oh, wow." "Yeah. I feel like I'm in his way, you know...me, him, that girl." "Oh! You mean, Jollina? You know she's Filipino too?" "Huh? What?" "Oops!” Kathy placed her left hand to cover her mouth as if she was holding back her vomit. "Sorry." "No...what?" "Yeah.. I don't know. They're childhood friends. She's home-schooled. You know she tried going to school one day and cried. She couldn't take it. Everyone made fun of her. I feel so bad." "Oh," was the only word I could get out of my mouth. It wasn't even located in the dictionary, but it was a very popular word used by different kinds of emotions. When I left Kathy at the school library, I headed home to just relax and enjoy myself. On my couch, I talked with Alex and Johnny on AIM using my Sidekick II. AlextheGreat: Vanessa, you are not getting in the way. He doesn't feel sorry for you. He just did it because you guys are friends and he hurt you. Don't think bad. Come on, Vane. DeviliciousAngel: I know..but I don't know. AlextheGreat: ? DeviliciousAngel: Never mind. It's nothing. AlextheGreat: Vanessa, I rather you tell me that you don't want me to know than saying "nothing". I would respect you more if you tell me that you don't want me to hear it. DeviliciousAngel: Okay. Well.. I.. don't.. know. I'm happy, but then I'm not. I'm happy that I went to the movies with him! I feel like I could have a chance with him now, but I don't want to because you know. I told you what happened.. He treated me like I'm his girlfriend.. But I'm confused! It's not fair that everyone knows about his girl and not me. It's not like they're going out. They're just friends, then why does the whole world know her? AlextheGreat: I see. AlextheGreat: Vanessa, number 1, do you want to know about her? Number 2, they don't want to hurt you. Number 3, maybe Johnny does like you, but you can't assume that he likes you as a girlfriend. Maybe only as a person. DeviliciousAngel: Yeah, I know. I know. I don't want to know, but then I do because I feel left out! It's not fair! Either way I'll end up getting hurt! I just found out two days ago that Kathy already had so many stories to tell me about her! AlextheGreat: Vanessa, calm down. AlextheGreat: Are you okay? Will you be okay? DeviliciousAngel: Don't worry, I'll be ok.

BigPunHom: Hi!! DeviliciousAngel: Oh, hey. What's up? BigPunHom: You coming this Saturday? DeviliciousAngel: Yeah, I got nothing else better to do. You? BigPunHom: I don't know. I didn't ask yet. But I know my dad will say it's a waste of time and my mom will recommend me to study more for the SATs. DeviliciousAngel: Oh, okay. I see. On Friday at school, everyone was thrilled to attend the NETs game the next day. "Oh my gosh! I can't believe the three of us are going together!" Melissa exclaimed. "Yeah, I know! And all of our boyfriends will be there!" Kathy commented while jumping up and down in the bathroom. "Ah.. your boyfriend.. her, soon-to-be boyfriend.. And my dream boyfriend you mean?" I answered as I looked at my Sidekick II for messages. "I doubt CJ will be there. He's probably clubbing or something," Melissa said as she looked at herself through the mirror to fix her dark brown straight hair. "Uhm.. Who goes clubbing at 3 in the afternoon?" I asked. "Whatever! He's not going to come. I know it," Melissa answered in frustration of patience with CJ. Kathy and I looked at each other and mouthed, "She's mad" at each other. So we changed the subject by Kathy saying, "On my birthday, we're going to have it at my house. It's a black and white party, so wear black and white!" After school, I saw Johnny on AIM so I sent him instant messages to ask him about the NETs game tomorrow. DeviliciousAngel: So, did you ask yet? BigPunHom: No. Hahah. DeviliciousAngel: Oh, okay. I didn't know what has gotten into me, but I told him something worthless to his ears, but significant to my heart. DeviliciousAngel: Can I tell you something? BigPunHom: Yeah, sure. What's up? DeviliciousAngel: You know I like you right? BigPunHom: No, really? BigPunHom: Joking! DeviliciousAngel Well.. DeviliciousAngel: Do you know why? BigPunHom: Because I'm cute, talented, and sexy? BigPunHom: Joking! DeviliciousAngel: Hahah. No. Because you make me feel so happy. You make me feel so loved and you make me smile. You're also a good kisser. Heheh. But that's not the point! Did you know you had somehow helped me connect to God more often? You're like my hero. Heheh. BigPunHom: Wow.. I don't know what to say. Yeah I am a good kisser (Joking!!). I didn't know you had those feelings for me. DeviliciousAngel: Yeah. Heheh. BigPunHom: I always thought I was just gorgeous and that's why the girls chase me. BigPunHom: Joking! DeviliciousAngel: Hey!! BigPunHom: I said 'joking'! You know.. JO-KING! DeviliciousAngel: Hahah. You're madd wack! BigPunHom: Oh, why, thank you! DeviliciousAngel: No problem, losaa!! BigPunHom: Heheh. This Friday just couldn't get any worse. I told him another thing that would make us feel more awkward around each other. I wasn't sure why I was doing it, but my feelings kept leading me to perform crazy actions! DeviliciousAngel: I'm sorry I like you. BigPunHom: Huh? DeviliciousAngel: I feel like I'm in the middle. BigPunHom: What do you mean? DeviliciousAngel: If you really want to be with her, you should ask her out then. BigPunHom: Thanks, but you're not talking clearly. DeviliciousAngel: Because I like you.. You like her.. And you know I like you and I know you like her. And we both know you don't want to feel sorry for me, so just do what you want. You're not my boyfriend. Ask her out. BigPunHom: Wow. Thanks. You're so supportive. DeviliciousAngel: No problem. :-P BigPunHom: Don't worry; you're not getting in the way. DeviliciousAngel: You're just saying that! BigPunHom: I'm probably not going to ask her out. She's too far away. DeviliciousAngel: Oh, okay. On a Saturday morning, Kathy's phone call woke me up earlier than my alarm clock's time. "Oh my gosh! James can't come! Johnny can't come!" "Huh? Wait! I'm still sleeping. Give me a minute," I responded while getting out of my bed. Then, I went to the bathroom to wash my face with water. I took my cell phone to the living room and talked to Kathy while sitting on the couch. "Hello?" I asked, hoping she was still on the other line. "They can't come!" she screamed. "Oh, why not?" I asked, feeling sad that Johnny couldn't attend the basketball game with us. "James had to do something with his brother and Johnny's parents didn't let him go." "Oh... okay." At exactly 11 in the morning, I got three text messages from Johnny. New text message from Johnny read: Hey, I can't come with you guys. Mom and dad wouldn't let me. New text message from Johnny read: Parents wanted me to study for the SATs. New text message from Johnny read: Hey, you mad? I'm sorry. I sent a text message back to Johnny telling him that it was okay not to apologize to me since I understood his situation. At 1 in the afternoon, Kathy called me to tell me to wait outside my house because Melissa's mother was ready to pick us up. When we all got in Melissa's mother's car, Kathy and I greeted her mother with such an excitement, but still polite and calmed. While walking towards the stadium, I picked up Johnny's phone call. "Hey, sorry again. Hope you're not mad." "No, just sad. I hoped you came, but you didn't! Oh, wells!" I answered. "Maybe next time! So where are you guys?" "We're almost there. Where are you?" "Oh! Okay. I'm with my mom at the mall." "Aaw! What are you doing there?" "Just helping my mom buy a necklace." "Oh! What a cute baby! Have fun!" "Thanks. You too!" "Heheh." "Yeah." "Well.. I have to go now. We're about to go inside," I replied as I entered the gymnasium. "Oh, ok. Well, I just wanted to say hello. So yeah, hello." "Oh, righhhht. You're wack! You never say hello!" "Yeah, I do! When I pick up the phone to ask who it was on the other line." "Oh, true! Good save! Okay see yah! Thanks for calling me!" "No prob. Take care." Even before we arrived at our seats, Kathy, Melissa, and I had gloomy, sad faces. Melissa tried to cheer us up saying, "Whatever guys! We don't chill no more! Be happy! Come on! It's the NETs game!" "Yeah, I guess," I answered. "Yeah, sorry. It would be more fun if the boys were here. But it's fun with you guys already," Kathy admitted. "Look, it's Rihanna!" Melissa yelled. The next day was Sunday and also church day. After church, my mother and I went to the Chinese restaurant to eat there. "Yeah, I know. I heard she is very pretty and smart at math. All she craves is money. And so does he. They don't love each other, they're just buying off one another," my mother said. "Mom!" I waved my hand in front of her face. "Kathy's party is next next next week! On April something! Don't forget!" "What do you want me to do?" she asked. "Nothing. Just remember it for me, okay?" I asked. "Okay." On Monday, I skipped school to have a heart check-up, so on the next day, I explained to my friends the reason for my absence. "Oh, so you-0r heart is okay, right?" Kathy asked during lunch. "Yeah, I can love," I answered as I searched for Johnny's face. I hadn't seen him since Friday and we hadn't been talking on AIM or on the phone since Saturday. "Hey, have you seen Johnny?" "No, why?" Kathy asked. "Oh, I've seen him. He's playing basketball with Alex and Alvin in gym class," Melissa answered. "Thanks, wait!" I said, and then went off to the bathroom to drain my urine and then washed my hands with soap afterwards. I checked my face and hair through the mirrors to make sure everything was fine and dandy. Finally, when I got inside the gymnasium, I heard Michael calling my name. "Vanessa, come here! Closer! I'll whisper it to your ears!" "Why? Just tell me," I replied. "No, it's a secret mami! I can't tell you, but since I like you and you like him, I will," Michael responded. "Okay, fine," I said, approaching towards his direction. "He's with her now, Bonita. I'm sorry," Michael whispered. "Huh?" I asked, not knowing why I wanted to hear more than what Michael previously said. "He wants to hit that," Michael said as if he spoke in a different language. "Excuse me?" I asked, still confused of what he's trying to say. "He asked her to be his shorty during third block," Michael explained. "Oh.." I answered, partially understanding what he had said. "And she said 'yes'." Now that part, I understood completely, but I was not satisfied. I didn't know how to react, especially staring at Michael's serious face. Crying in front of dozens of students was not my style, so I kept reminding myself to be strong because he could be lying. Then, without a warning, a few tears dropped from my eyes.

Chapter 11: Just Friends "Oh, God. Please, God. I know I may not be perfect and I know I ask too much of your help, but I need you. Please, tell me he's lying. Tell me it's not true. Tell me I still have a chance with Johnny. I really really like him, probably more than that, maybe even love. Please God tell me Michael is lying. I know there are more important problems that need to be solved in the world, but if you do this one favor, I won't ask for anything for months, if you want, years." As Michael kept me waiting for another reply, I prayed to God, hoping Michael was just joking with me. Alex interrupted our conversation about Johnny and Melissa, so I had to hold in my tears tighter and stronger before I start crying even more. I still couldn't believe it! No wonder Johnny hadn't talked to me for a few days! He probably felt sorry that Johnny asked Jollina to be his girlfriend and not me! But Johnny told me he wouldn't! He told me that she was too far away from him! He couldn't! He didn't! He mustn’t! But why?! Johnny wasn't my boyfriend! He didn't have to do everything that makes me happy! Hearing him ask the girl to be his girlfriend definitely did not make me happy! But still, I had to be supportive of his decisions since Johnny is my friend. I slowly stopped crying as I stared at Darrel and Alex making conversation. "What's wrong?" Alex asked, seeing me wipe my watery eyes with my hands. In a rude manner, Michael began to laugh without a given reason. "Vanessa," Michael called my name with a big smile on his face. I was angry at him for telling me about Jollina and Johnny and mysteriously laughing about it. "I was kidding, mami! Don't worry!" "Oh, okay. Whatever. I knew that," I answered, denying that I wasn't gullible enough to fall for any of his tricks. Michael continued to laugh in the corner of my eyes as I left the gymnasium to head for my fourth block class. When I got home, I saw an e-mail sent to my T-mobile account on my Sidekick II. It was from Johnny thanking me for being so supportive of him, a good friend, and a person with a generous heart. However, I was clueless when Johnny mentioned his MySpace because he apologized for it. Unfortunately, I checked his MySpace to understand what his intention was and saw what really opened up my eyes since the beginning of our ecstatic relationship. As confused and worried as I was, I didn't know what to believe, Michael joking about the new girlfriend or what Johnny wrote on his MySpace. The next day increased my worries and fears for Johnny. It was during a fire drill at school while I stayed with Johnny by the corner street of the school. I wasn't sure if Johnny knew about me discovering his secret, but seeing how Johnny treated me, I had a feeling that he was clueless. "Here, I know you're cold." Johnny put his black G-unit jacket on me as I quivered. "Thanks. You know, you didn't have to give me your jacket. I'm not cold," I lied. "It's okay. I'm not that cold, anyway," he denied. I knew he was cold because goose bumps were crawling all over his arms. It was strange of him to give me his jacket on the 27th of March, buy me french fries on the 4th of April, and walk me home on the 9th of April, knowing his secret. Once a week, Johnny did something extra special for me, but I didn't quite know the reasons behind his generosity. Hopefully, Johnny actually cares for me, not because he was forced to be caring towards me. At the day of Kathy's party, I arrived early to her house to help Kathy with the decorations. "I don't know what to wear," Kathy whined. "It's a black and white party. Wear black and white," I advised, looking through her organized closet. "Oh, yeah! That's why you guys are wearing both black and white! I thought it was just a coincidence!" Kathy exclaimed, forgetting about her own theme for the party. "Wow! Don't worry about it!" Melissa said, as she looked at herself in the mirror. "Kathy! No matter what, you'll look gorgeous! Let's go!" I yelled, making her hurry because I just heard the doorbell rang; it could be Johnny! Unfortunately, when Kathy opened the door, James appeared with a nervous laugh. He was probably nervous because today was the day when Kathy's parents would meet him. Two hours later, Johnny finally arrived, apologizing for being late. During the party, Melissa, Kathy, James, Johnny, and the rest of the invited guests stayed at Kathy's backyard and ate barbeque. "James! I want you to meet my parents!" Kathy pulled James out of his seat. James felt very nauseous after eating five barbeque sticks from being nervous to talk to her parents. It was the first time Kathy's parents allowed boys at her house and since Kathy was now eighteen years old, Kathy persuaded her parents to allow her to date. While James was being observed and criticized by Kathy's parents, I continued to sit still in the corner, waiting for Johnny to make a move. Unfortunately, my patience was not worth it since Johnny played basketball with the other boys. When the night finally came, Kathy's mother demanded us to stay inside the house. A few people remained at Kathy's house since others had to work the next day. We were in the basement, sitting on the couch impatiently not talking to one another. "So, let's play Spin the Bottle." Johnny broke the ice among us requesting a 6th grade game. I was surprised he wanted to play that game because I assumed that if he really likes that Boston girl, Johnny wouldn't want to kiss anyone else, especially me in front of our peers! "Nah, let's just play truth or dare," Melissa suggested as Kathy and James went inside the bathroom. Kathy's parents were on the third floor, so they weren't able to hear anything going on in the basement. "Vanessa, truth or dare," Johnny asked me as I stared at the wall, hoping no one would choose me. "Ah.. Truth?" I answered with embarrassment. Everyone was staring at me because they all knew I had a crush on Johnny since day one. "Okay. Who do you like in school?" he replied, looking at his Motorola cell phone. Amazed by Johnny's response, I held up silence in the basement. The only sound anyone could hear was the rocking of the chair that Michael preceded. I couldn't believe he asked that type of question when Johnny knew the answer! Why did he have to embarrass me in front of everyone?! He promised me that he wouldn't tell anyone! Well, technically he did keep his secret because I was the one who was about to confess to the whole world. Johnny continued to stare at his cell phone, pretending to do be busy when a sound of a footstep came towards the bedroom. "Heyy!! Whattup man? What took you guys so long?" Johnny told Alex and Alvin as soon as they walked close to the couch where Johnny was sitting. Johnny got up from his seat and greeted Alex and Alvin with their usual silly handshake. "Johnny," I replied, knowing that no one would hear it. Surprisingly, Michael and Melissa noticed me speaking. When everyone settled down and found a spot to sit, Johnny asked Michael what my answer was. "Yeah, you. Johnny Hom," Michael assumed that it was the answer since he knew that I like Johnny. "Who's next?" I was right; the rest of the game was about Johnny and I. I was getting frustrated with Johnny's questions for me. Who'd you want to kiss from this room? If you were a senior, whom would you take to the prom? Who would you bring to the island if you knew it'd be just you and that person? Does he not know what a crush meant?! Wow!! Why would he ask all those questions when he knew that answer was all him! When will this game of embarrassment stop? "I'm going home now. Where's Kathy?" I exclaimed as I got off my seat "Yeah, me too," Johnny followed. I found Kathy and James sitting down on the bathtub properly as if they tried to set an act to hide what they really did on that bathtub. It was obvious; Kathy and James were making out. Anyone could have guessed it if they saw how mess James's lips were "I'm going home now, Kathy. Nice party. Thanks," I said. Kathy and James suddenly felt a bit awkward knowing that Johnny and I knew what they were up to. "Yeah, thanks Kat. Peace. See you, bro," Johnny added. I quickly rushed up the stairs to go home until I heard Johnny shouting, "Wait! I'll go with you!" I was afraid he wanted walk home with me. "So, what's up?" he asked as I looked at the cars passing by us. "Nothing, you?" I replied, trying not to stare at his face too much. I didn't want to appear red because I barely wanted him to know that I still thought of him. "Question. Do you still like me?" he asked. Staring at his eyes, I was surprised that he asked me such a powerful question as if he knew what I was thinking. In embarrassment, I answered, "A lot of things." Johnny stopped at the corner of my house and asked, "Like?" "I don't know. I can't explain. It's dumb but I like the way you make me feel and the type of person you helped me become. You know, I've been very happy to attend school because I know I'd see you there." "Oh. But you know that.." "Yeah, I saw. And I'm very happy for you two. I think that it's great to love someone so much. I know how it feels, because I..." "Yeah, I know. I don't know what to do though. I don't want to hurt you, but I want her to trust me," Johnny interrupted. "Do whatever you want. I'm not your girlfriend. She is. I just have one question." "Yeah, what is it?" "Do you think you'll ever be my boyfriend, maybe in college? Or if you guys broke up?" "Well, I don't know. Since this happened, it would feel awkward, wouldn't it? I want to ask a girl out because I like her, not because I know she likes me. I'm sorry." "No, it's okay. You're being honest. But I just don't like it when you hide things from me. I always have to find your secrets lying around the corner." "Hah hah. Sorry, I don't know how to say it. I don't want to hurt you." "Yeah. So am I invited to your wedding?" I joked. "Of course. You'll be one of the firsts to know." After our conversation, Johnny and I hugged and said our thanks to each other. We were both grateful to be friends and agreed to stay that way even if it hurt me to see and hear my love spend the rest of his life with another girl. All I wanted to do was makes him happy. Now, I realized that I didn't need to try anything else because he is already satisfied. I just needed to get over him and stop thinking I have a chance with him!

Chapter 12: The End of Vanessa, and the Start of Nessa "God, tonight I hope every wrong in the world will dismiss as I lay in my bed sleeping with the world. I thank you for giving me the opportunity to treasure the gift of tears, smiles, and voice, and use them for the best. I love you, always and forever, Vanessa. Good night." After I prayed, I thought of all the things Johnny and I did in the past couple of weeks. It was true; I did fall in love with him. He was the only guy who ever showed me so much attention and he was not even my boyfriend. Johnny was the man in my dreams and he probably would always be in my dreams; nothing more and nothing less. Ring! Ring! Ring! My cell phone showed a picture of Kathy and James eating ice cream the day we celebrated the National Honor Society Induction a week ago. I remembered being the last one to sit down on stage because I noticed Johnny entering the auditorium. He was almost late for the induction because Johnny had to stop by the fire station first. I remembered Kathy telling me that Johnny ran from the fire department to the high school just so he wouldn't miss the induction I participated in. I was so confused, but also grateful that Johnny ran to make it on time just so he could keep his promise for me. "Hello?" I answered in a sleepy tone. "Hi, what are you doing?" Kathy asked enthusiastically. I knew how happy she was at her birthday party today because James was with her the whole time. As for me, I didn't mind. I knew she wanted to be with James at her party even before he arrived. "Sleeping," I answered. "Oh, okay. I just wanted to say thanks for coming today. Sorry about what happened. I heard you and Johnny talked." "Yeah, well..." "It's okay, Vane. You'll get him! Obviously!" "Okay." "Uhm.. Oh yeah! I know now! Johnny's b-day party is next week! He told me to tell you! Well, actually, James did! Heheh! You coming? It's at Planet Hollywood in New York!" "Oh.. Okay.. Maybe.." "What? Why maybe? He didn't tell me. He didn't tell me either! That's why I'm telling you! James said Johnny told him to invite us for him! So come! I don't want to be the only girl!" "Maybe.." "Why? What's wrong?" "Nothing. I have to go. I'm tired. My eyes are close and I have no idea what you're saying. Sorry." "Aaww! Ok! I hope you feel better! You better come, kkk? Hahah! James says that!" "Night," I replied, then head back to sleep. On Monday, I realized Johnny was not sitting at my table, walking with me to my fourth block class, or stopping me to do his usual cutesy games. At first, I thought I was imagining things, but I noticed that Johnny really was avoiding me. Sometimes, I would purposely pass by him in the hallways to get his attention, but Johnny would look the other way. On AIM, I would send Johnny messages, but he never replied back to any of them. Melissa called me on Friday and asked about Johnny's 18th birthday party saying, "So, are you coming?" "I don't know. I want to get over him and if I come to his party, I would just fall for him again," I replied as I randomly changed the channel on TV. "Oh, honey! I'm sorry. You can't avoid him for the rest of your life. You have to face your fear now before you end up with more fears and no cures, right?" Melissa advised. "Yes, I guess you're right. Thanks. I'm going to the party tomorrow then. I'll see you there! Baci ('kisses' in Italian)!" The party was great; there were several televisions all over the room showing the same music videos for each TV. Planet Hollywood is my favorite restaurant in Times Square because the place is spectacular! I love the scenery with its various movie posters on the wall! "Vane! I heard he likes me. He's just scared to go out with me because of his last relationship," Melissa explained as we shared Baked Ziti. "Oh! That's great!!" I yelled as I hug her. I had a strong feeling that CJ would soon become a big impact in Melissa's life, so I should be more careful with CJ, making sure he doesn't hurt Melissa. Ring! Ring! Ring! I ran to the bathroom as quickly as I could when I saw Audrey's picture of her eating pizza appearing on my cell phone’s screen. "Hey, what's up?" "I don't know. I need your opinion," Audrey said, sounding a little bit anxious. "Oh, what is it?" I asked, concerned about Audrey. "Samuel said he loves me.." Audrey replied, shock with her own words. "Really? That's great! Right?" "Yeah, but he still acts like a baby. I'm fed up with it. I don't want to change his diapers or breast-feed him. I'm not his mother." "True. Then, tell him!" "I know. I just don't know when it's the right time." "Oh, okay. Well I have to go. You're Audrey. You'll figure something out. You always do.” "Oh man, you're right. Have fun at the party! Smile, okay? Please enjoy yourself! Don't be pessimistic," Audrey advised before leaving the line. Johnny's party wasn't as bad as I expected. There were even times where Johnny and I made conversations, even if it was a bit short. "Sorry," Johnny apologized. "I feel awkward when I'm with you. I don't mean to, I just do." "Yeah, I know. I don't know what to do though. Talk to you or not talk to you," I replied. "Well, it's your choice." "You really like her, do you?" I asked randomly. "Yeah. Sorry." Johnny thought about his answer before hand. "So, I'm never going to have a chance with you." "Don't say that. Anything can happen." "It's okay. I understand. We should just be friends." "Friends sound good. Sorry I hurt you again." "It's okay. Your just a born heart breaker," I joked. On the way home, Josefina instant messaged me on AIM. Salvadorexican13: You know Jose sent me flowers at my dorm today. He gave me a note saying he didn't care about our different religions. DeviliciousAngel: Aaw! That's so sweet of him! Oh mah gosh, girlie! I could cry! Salvadorexican13: Heheh! I already did. An hour after I read the note, he surprised me with chocolate candies and my favorite book! Pride & Prejudice! We made out for hours after that! LMAO! DeviliciousAngel: Wow! What a beast! After our little discussion about being friends at his party, Johnny and I continued to ignore each other. No surprise there! We didn't know what to say to one another! I know for a fact that every time he sees me, the first thing that comes into his head was that I have a crush on him. I felt the same way too, except the other way around! Whenever I noticed him, I would completely freeze, knowing the fact that I have a crush on him and Johnny knew it too! Maybe avoiding each other was a good medicine to follow since I would always be weak whenever I passed by him at school. The less time I talked with Johnny, the more time I realized that he was not meant for me; Johnny is meant for Jollina and I couldn't stop fate. One day at home, I had the urge to write my feelings toward my situation with Johnny. In fact, I was surprised how beautiful it turned out to be. "I love Love, but Fate finally captured Love. So how can I love Love, when Fate is the one Love needed? I, Chance, was in the middle of Love and Fate. But how can I get out of it, if I am just Chance?" Whenever I felt hopeless of love, mostly his love, I would repeat my poem inside my head. It was very tempting to instant message Johnny on AIM, because he was always online. What bothered me the most were his away messages! Sometimes, I wished Johnny would take them off! Maybe everyone was right about me not being able to handle hearing Jollina's name. I wasn't ready! At school, Johnny wouldn't even dare to look or say a word to me. Without thinking twice, I barely believe that Johnny would still want to be my friend after seeing how he treated me at school. I just wish he recognized me! What ever happened to everything he told me? He said I am supportive to him! He said I have a good heart! He even told me how he wouldn't do anything to hurt me! Then, why was I hurting now? "You're always hyper, Vane," Kathy laughed as she was doing her class work for Microbiology. "Well, what can I say? I'm like an owl. I'm awake at night and I sleep during the day. I'm so quiet, but once my mouth starts to open, it's hard for me to stop talking," I replied as I danced in my chair. It was true; I was always hyper, especially after the party at Planet Hollywood. At school, I would be the first one to greet a different person every three seconds. I also danced randomly every time I was bored, which was every second of school time! With my strong loud voice, I was able to attract as many classmates as I could at school. The problem was, I was only hyper during school and not outside school. When I came home from school, I would always head straight to the couch listening to nothing but silence in the room. I felt lonely, frustrated, angry, maybe even depressed at the times I arrived home. Then, I would sometimes burst out in tears, not knowing which emotion triggered my box of cries. I realized that I was always hyper at school because of my image; I didn't want to admit the truth. I also didn't want to experience the pain and struggles I had since I met Johnny. I want to be happy. I wish to feel what happiness is like, so being hyper helped me diminish my fear of not experiencing what true happiness was. Sometimes when I was happy, I felt as if I forced myself to become happy just so I could get a taste of happiness. "So, are you ready for the SATs tomorrow?" Charlene asked over the phone on Friday, June 2, 2006. "Hahah! Not really! I've been studying, though," I answered. "Oh, that's good. You can take it as much as you want." "True. I don't know, Charlene. I think I've been studying for the wrong reason." "What do you mean? I don't get it." "I study for the SATs a lot because I want to forget about you-know-Bravo." "Ohh! Johnny?" "Yeah. Studying helped me forget about him for a little while, but sometimes it didn't work!" "Have you talked to him yet?" "No. He's avoiding me." "Oh. Maybe because he doesn't want to hurt you." "Too late. I'm hurt. He has a girl. End of story." "Yeah, but if he gives you attention, you might get the wrong idea." "Maybe you're right. I just don't want to lose him. We've been through so much together that it would really stink if he suddenly disappeared, you know?" "Yeah. Don't worry, Vanessa. Worry about the SATs tomorrow for now." "Okay. So I can get a ride from you, right?" "Yeah." It was already midnight and in seven and a half hours, I would be in a seat waiting to take my SATs. As hard as I tried to sleep, I couldn't. Johnny was living in my mind as if he was in prison there. I was so stressed, so furious, and so worried about the SATs. What if I fail? I couldn't fail, right? There was no failing grade, was there? Aaahhh!! In two hours, I finally got some rest from crying myself to sleep. Those tears were like gold coins from a treasure chest. "Hello? Vanessa? Are you here?" Charlene asked early in the morning before the SATs. "Yeah, sorry. I'm at your house now," I answered, running from my car to Charlene's front steps. "Okay. Because my mom has to go to a wedding." When I arrived outside Charlene's house, I found her mother in the car already. I was so nervous to get inside the car because in half an hour, I was ready to take my first SATs exam. At Lee High School, many other juniors and seniors were nervous to take the SATs, so I didn't feel that lonely and apprehensive anymore. "See you, Vanessa! Good luck!" Charlene screamed as he disappeared into the hallways. I headed up to the second floor and looked for the room that I was assigned to remain seated until the test was over. "Vanessa," replied the proctor. "You may sit behind Johnny." Was it just a coincidence that I was stationed next to a guy named Johnny? Or was God giving me a sign for something I am totally oblivious about? Any more distractions? I looked to my left and recognized a cartoon character on the wallpaper; it was Johnny Bravo! Man, I should be quiet next time! Maybe if I zippered my brain, I could stop contemplating about Johnny too much. As I waited for the proctor to begin, I thought of Johnny again. I thought of reasons why he likes Jollina, an idea that I forgot to ask Johnny. What did Jollina have that I don't? We're both Filipinos, which was silly. Did Johnny like Filipinos or was Jollina the only Filipino he'd like? So I was guessing I have no chance if that was true. What am I saying, I never had a chance ever since the beginning. I fooled myself that I would, just so I could stop worrying. I wished I knew Johnny back then; maybe he would have given me a chance. I wished I didn't go to Eddie's party; maybe I wouldn't have liked him then. I wished I didn't like him! I wished! I wished I wished! I had too many wishes I wanted to be granted, but too many wishes showed how much I didn't want to go back to reality. I was scared of being alone forever. But not anymore, because I believe that there is always a reason for everything. I needed to start over, play a different role, and be in a different movie. Starting tomorrow, I will no longer be called Vanessa; I am Nessa, the girl who's not afraid to take risks. Maybe right now was not the time to discover my soul mate. My eternal love could be found in my new world where I start a new. Maybe God wanted to teach me a lesson. Maybe he wanted me to feel pain to realize what I was missing. What was I missing? I thought about what I was missing and then, in a few minutes I remembered! It was a few months ago, Valentine's Day to be exact. Ms. Riley asked the students a question about love. She asked us what was the opposite of love. As a team, we agreed on hate. Unfortunately, it wasn't the right answer. When I thought of the past experiences I have with Johnny, I could speculate the answer from learning from my mistake. First of all, just like most of the people in the world, I assumed that love is for a boy and a girl who have an extensive connection towards each other, spiritually and emotionally. Second of all, love is very liberal. Finally, love is an indescribable feeling. A person can't imagine what love is until he or she experiences it. Love can be for God, a neighbor, a friend, a family member, a thing, or yourself. Love is everywhere; you just need to wait for your turn to realize when you discover it. Anyway, I believe that the opposite of love is temptation or lust, because every time I saw Johnny, I was struggling on whether I should or should not say hello. When I didn't love him for a moment, I sinned and I sinned because I barely resist temptation that was thrown at me. I would ignore him because I was selfish. I could have chosen to forgive him. Instead, I grew mad at him because Johnny hurt me. Sins are not meant to be loved, but temptations persuade us to.

"Nothing is predestined. The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings. Ralph Blum," I read it in my mind as I fidgeted my pencil. It was the essay topic for today's SATs and I was glad that they chose this quote for us to answer. Now, I definitely know what to write! Thank you, God!