User talk:Viperwing/articlesandbox

Brian, you'll need to look at the guidance on citing subscription sources to fix your reference from Japan Knowledge. Right now all it does is send people to the login page, which most of them will not be able to access because of the paywall. See my note about this in the Announcements part of the top page of our Canvas course.Elyssafaison (talk) 22:48, 19 February 2018 (UTC)

= Brian's Peer Review =

This is a really well-organized article with a great lead section and good, comprehensive listing of sections. You might be able to break your Criticisms section into two paragraphs starting with "Another major criticism..." and see if you can't expand on it. I bet you could also find more on the impact certain provisions of the law have had on women since it was passed, but it's really great work! --Lydia — Preceding unsigned comment added by Lydiacatfish (talk • contribs) 04:51, 21 February 2018 (UTC)

Response: The best critique was that of the organization of the criticisms section. I plan to implement all of the suggestions. I plan to address the suggestions by adding to and editing the criticisms section. Viperwing (talk) 00:55, 27 February 2018 (UTC)

Another Review for Brian
It's the first time I've ever seen that translation database! In the "Criticisms" section, maybe tighten some of the language, because it's written somewhat colloquially with verbs like "to roll back," etc. Also in that section, were there any feminists that showed support, or was there any response to the feminists' criticism of the law's efficacy? Overall, the article looks really good! The article is structured well and there's a lot of interesting information.Jacob.jones615 (talk) 08:25, 22 February 2018 (UTC)

Response: The most helpful comment here is that of how to evaluate the response to the law by finding feminists that supported the law. I plan to implement each of the suggestions by reviewing the language in the criticisms section and researching to expand the final section. Viperwing (talk) 00:57, 27 February 2018 (UTC)

Instructor Response to your Peer Review Response
Brian, you might consider including the kanji for the law in the lead, so people know what the Japanese name is. Here is a Japanese language website that I found that gives several explanations of the law that appear in a variety of dictionaries and online encyclopedias: https://kotobank.jp/word/%E7%94%B7%E5%A5%B3%E9%9B%87%E7%94%A8%E6%A9%9F%E4%BC%9A%E5%9D%87%E7%AD%89%E6%B3%95-5684

One thing these descriptions make clear is that the law was passed in 1985 and went into effect in 1986. You might find a way to clarify that in your article. There is also an article on japanfocus.org about the law titled "Gender Equality in Japan" that should help you clarify a few points. Additionally, adding in citations like this helps establish the notability of the law, as requested by Shalor.

Your lead looks good, except that you should delete the "to provide" at the end of the last sentence. End it with "expected of employers."

Your summary of the various articles looks good, and you did a great job finding the translation of the law from a reputable source: the Ministry of Justice website.

In your "Criticisms" section I have a few writing recommendations. First, talking about the law being "panned" is too colloquial, and you use that expression at the beginning and again in the last paragraph. See if you can reword both places. (For example, in the second instance you could say simply, "The law has been criticized as ineffective…") The first clause of the last sentence of the first paragraph is awkwardly phrased; you might try to rework it. The first sentence of the second paragraph reminds me a lot of the central argument of Kano's book. Did you check the index to see if she discusses the law? Is there a reason why the second sentence is in past tense? The third sentence is confusingly written and needs to be reworked. Last sentence looks great.

You have done a lot of good work on this…It will be a great contribution to Wikipedia and I am sure a lot of people will end up viewing it. Elyssafaison (talk) 21:23, 5 March 2018 (UTC)