User talk:Vschlum/sandbox

Myself and two classmates are going to work on expanding this page. We are going to add to the media coverage of women in the olympics, because they generally show more of the gender neutral sports. We will also expand more on all the sports that women participate in. A potential new article we may write is on what countries do not have women participating in olympic sports or are new to allowing women to compete. We will also talk about countries who ban women from competing based on religious reasons. Vschlum (talk) 21:38, 7 October 2015 (UTC)Vschlum

Vschlum and Allielael -- please indicate to me what you've written and what is original to the page. In addition - I have it noted that you are working on Women's Sports not women's olympics... please let me know what you all are doing. Transunicorn (talk) 19:02, 24 October 2015 (UTC) Vschlum here are some edits that could be added to your wiki page! -Women at the olympics section How does the Olympic charter promote equality within sports. Give example What multiple measures have been taken?
 * I have been writing on the section about Media coverage, and helping find info to add to the different sports sections, like boxing and ice hockey. We were previously going to work on the general topic of Women's Sports, but it was very broad and linked to the page of Women at the Olympics, which needed much work as well. 2620:105:B00B:4125:C538:8202:9D5D:9583 (talk) 17:28, 26 October 2015 (UTC)
 * Vschlum, ChrisRam985, and Allielael -- sorry, my message was a bit vague. I don't need to know what you've written individually, but rather what you have collectively written versus the text of the article that was originally there. When I look at your draft, I can't tell what is new (what you've added) and what is from the existing "Women's sports" page. Does that make sense? Also - your communication is fine - as practice though, make sure you address who you are speaking with (if you do that I'll get notification that you messaged me) and also sign off at the end with the four ~   It will just make everything clearer. If you aren't sure how to do that, just look at the format I am using and copy it. Thanks y'all. Transunicorn (talk) 18:06, 26 October 2015 (UTC)

-Leadership within IOC The term embrace is not neutral unless you are quoting from a direct source. According to ______ the IOC embraces the commitment…… Where are the percentages coming from? Delete the phrase “more importantly.” Can just say, In 1990 the first woman…..”

The second table of contents is awkward.

-Media coverage Has been limited how? Several statements are explaining commentators which are great! But what commentators? Give names or reference s text.

-Rome 1960 should be moved to the Around the world section

Overall, a lot of the names mentioned on this page can be linked to their bio wiki pages.

Taylorfranks14 (talk) 13:19, 27 October 2015 (UTC)

Vschlum/Vschlum These are my suggested edits. •	Not sure what information you have added to the article? •	Used a lot of “you” language in some paragraphs. •	“in some countries”- use names of countries •	“twenty years ago”- what year? •	Sources should be properly cited •	A lot of good information overall!

Sfran22 (talk) 13:23, 27 October 2015 (UTC)

Vschlum Under IOC Commission Work: “Certain sports that have been historically popular with women often are not included in the Olympics or are only recent additions to the games.” What sports have been historically popular with women? Why are they only “historically popular with women?” “Women participants at each Summer Olympic Games as a percentage of all participants” –I’m not sure this sentence makes sense.

Under attending the games: What is it that makes female swimmers cost more than male swimmers? What are the countries having to spend money on exactly? The last sentence said “Sending a woman athlete (like Thelma Kench from New Zealand in 1932) also required the extra cost of a chaperone with the team.” The word “also” makes it seem like other costs are involved, but this is the only example listed.

I hope that was helpful to you a little bit. I was confused about what might have been original to the page and what was being added in by the group, I didn't get to read the whole article because I had to start from the beginning, so hopefully at least one of those is something you guys are working on. Dbilli5 (talk) 14:47, 27 October 2015 (UTC)