User talk:Williamoneill15/sandbox

Lead Section: Good that it addresses a lack of information about the creation of the book, but this may be better served in a brief About the Author Section.Also, slight grammatical issues (Lesbian should be lowercase, parents instead of parent's, comma before "not expecting publicity"

Summary: I think I understand who Molly is but this needs some slight expanding. Is Molly Heather's playgroup coordinator or caretaker at home in addition to the other two parents? Good job avoiding weasel words

Response: There are too many generalizations, particularly "people like John...". Try and write this section more formally, with less focus on individuals (ie say "there was an organized effort to remove the book" rather than "people tried to have it removed".Small grammar stuff, like gay's should be gays, maybe unnecessary to say that the controversy was large, this is implied.

Analysis: More citations per line, introduction of Esposito is clunky.

Overall: Good job! In general, maybe use less quotes and put more of an emphasis on paraphrasing, but the tone and citations are well done. Mcoyne1616 (talk) 18:18, 27 November 2018 (UTC)