User talk:ZacharyWissner-Gross

Zachary Daniel Wissner-Gross


Zachary Daniel Wissner-Gross, born March 18, 1985 in Lapland, Finland, is Finland's leading spy. He is well-known for his work at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Russian studies, specifically in the areas of cultural traditions of babushkas, or grandmothers.

Early Childhood Years
From an early age, Wissner-Gross displayed an unusual interest in Finnish geography, spending many years extensively exploring the fjord system. On one of these journeys, he noticed a purplish tint in the Porsanger Fjord, near Lapland. Intrigued by its luminescence, Wissner-Gross decided to investigate the matter further. He extracted algae from the bottom of the fjord and set to work exploring its properties. Baffled by its startling similarity to the common Chlorarachniophyte algae, he resumed his most fruitful thinking posture: thumb sucking. By happenstance, some algae had adhered to his thumb and was ingested.

After a few weeks, all of Wissner-Gross' classmates at Porsanger School for Kids Who Can't Read Good were hospitalized with cases of the black plague. Wissner-Gross's parents noticed that their son showed remarkable immunity to the disease, although every other student and teacher eventually passed away. Grateful, but curious, his parents brought him to the Helsinki University Central Hospital. Doctors there conducted extensive immune-response tests and found him to be unsusceptible to every disease ever known. Out of exasperation, they other methods of extermination, but to no avail. Incredulously, Wissner-Gross seemed to embody the Fountain of Youth.

Rise to Power
The Finnish government, upon hearing of his case, decided to recruit him as a spy for the super-secret spy agency of Finland that remains unnamed to this day. Although, at the age of four, he was too young to conduct official business, he learned a great deal in the agency by serving as a water boy. It was, in fact, through his manipulations of thirst that Wissner-Gross succeeded in capturing many Russian spies. He developed into a successful secret agent, remaining unchallenged for the next 14 years.

Education
Wissner-Gross decided to attend the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, widely known among close-knit spy circles as superior to other universities in Cambridge, to further his education in Russian studies. Posing as a physics major, he made many acquaintances, though, sadly, none developed into friendships.

Introduction of the Babushkova Sisters
Among these acquaintances were two sisters of Russian descent, Anyagail and Natasharna Babushkova. Their brilliance and charm blinded the MIT community to their double identities as leading KGB agents. Anyagail, a chemist is most famous for her work manipulation of organic structure to create the illusion of invisibility. Natasharna, a neuroscientist, is an expert in human and animal psychology, with a special interest in the making and solving of puzzles and other mind games. Both ladies showed prowess in areas of espionage at an early age, and quickly ascended the ranks within the KGB. By age twenty, they had become the most respected and feared Russian agents in the world.

The Crown Ring Affair
Despite his initial suspicions, Wissner-Gross believed the Babushkova cover until his third year at MIT, when the sisters uncovered his plot with the Rats of New House to heist Empress Alexandra of Russia's crown ring. After discovering the location of the ring at the intersection of two beams of light, the sisters battled several rats in order to recover it. The sisters' success in this mission spurred a heated rivalry between the two forces which continues today.

Other Skirmishes
The Babushkova sisters have confronted the Wissner-Gross camp on several occasions, involving the theft of ketchup bottles, the kidnapping of close friends and stuffed animals, and the decoding of intricate Star Trek codes, among other things. On one occasion, a potato was involved. Understandably, these spies greatly enjoy acting and role-play and have even appeared on stage together. However, during these periods, secret service activity usually comes to a standstill. The show must go on.

The fight between these two forces, at times, has become violent, resulting in slapped faces, broken keychains, and broken noses. For the most part, however, the battle remains a mental one, drawing upon wit and problem-solving abilities, areas in which the Babushkova sisters maintain a clear superiority. In one instance, Natasharna used her special abilities in animal impersonation and Anyagail, her stealth, to overcome the Finnish enemy. The rivalry has extended to include other nations: the Babushkovas have an alliance with Ireland while Wissner-Gross is allied with Norway.

Demise
Although Wissner-Gross has apparent immortality, the Babushkova sisters are working diligently on a way to overcome it. Their progress is too classified to detail in this article, but suffice it to say that confidence levels are high enough that this subsection is entitled "demise."

Oh yeah, and he has an asteroid named after him.