Wikipedia:Can we help you?

Wikipedia: Can we help you?

These instructions are for the main telephone desk. Please read these instructions carefully. Please feel free to take notes.

Hello can we help you

 * Requires checking the user's user page (or in case of any doubts about the caller - their talk page and block log) before speaking: -


 * User box and User page indicators:-

If there are any user boxes referring to religious affiliation - ask them to refer to The Wikipedian's Prayer

If they show signs of being obsessive compulsive users - ask them to press save page repeatedly.

If their questions reflect as being co-dependent - tell them to do it themselves, or we will get someone else to do it for them.

If their user page reflects multiple personality - tell them to press save page. then show preview and show changes.

If their user page exhibits classical symptoms of the paranoid delusional- the following dialogue is required - We know who you are and what you want - just stay on your watch list and we will trace your ISP now

If the user is clearly schizophrenic - ask the user to listen carefully and the little voice will give the instructions anyway.

If the user box shows classic symptoms of the manic depressive - let them know that it doesn't matter, no one will solve the problem, and hang up.


 * Talk page

If they show signs of responding in expletives to admins, temporary blocks and generally good advice - remain silent. Have a cup of tea.

'''Oh, and don't forget - always say regardless of what they say:-

 Have a nice day!

Further guidelines
Under no circumstances should enquirers be referred to Clinic for Wikipediholics or Who, Why? as these may deprecate the threshold perception of the enquirer as to the veracity of any answer given.

When in complete and utter doubt as to who/what/where/which planet - the other user/editor is

 * Please refer to Grief and if this does not work ask them to type their name in backwards and google it.