Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/About-Picard law/archive1

About-Picard law
(Largely self-nom) What do you think? It's a dry legal topic, on a somewhat controversial issue, but I think all points of view are reflected. There's a single picture, but I don't quite see what kind of pictures could illustrate the article better (this is about a legal text, after all). David.Monniaux 08:46, 16 October 2005 (UTC)
 * Comment. The Bibliography section should be named "References" according to common practice and guidelines. And what's with the "Opinions"-section? If the internet links are relevant, then thy should go under "External links". The books cited under this section should either go under a "Further reading"-section or be removed if they've not actually been used to reference the article. The external links section is also very large. / Peter Isotalo 11:57, 16 October 2005 (UTC)
 * I reorganized the section. The external links section is very large because people used to scream bloody murder and censorship if any link criticizing the French government was removed! What do you think about the issue? David.Monniaux 20:09, 16 October 2005 (UTC)
 * I'd say that we're not a link repository. Any notable criticism should be described in the article. If it's not notable, it shouldn't be snuck in by adding criticism-links. / Peter Isotalo 01:12, 17 October 2005 (UTC)
 * Agreed, with the article size 10-15 links is really over doing it but that would be the goal. The article is good but could Main points be changed to prose? Falphin 02:04, 17 October 2005 (UTC)
 * Object. David, you do good stuff (such interesting topics), but I can't cope with the torrent. Although your English is better than that of many native speakers, you need a trusted native collaborator to review your texts before nominating them. There's also a certain looseness in some of your prose, which weakens the clarity and precision of the meaning. Your topics seem to demand great clarity and precision. Here are some examples from the lead.
 * 'parliament' should be 'parliamentary'.
 * 'makes it possible to act against organisations (legal entities) when these organisations have been involved in certain crimes'
 * Consider using this: 'makes it possible for the state to act against organisations that have been involved in certain crimes', relocating mention of 'legal entities' to later in the article.
 * 'The law was, in its own words, aimed at cultic movements (mouvements sectaires) that, "undermine human rights and fundamental freedoms". The law does not define new crimes, except in association with existing crimes. It never mentions religion.'
 * You use terminology that is not explained until the reader gets to the next section. The four words and parentheses make it a complicated sentence; can you find a simple, translated expression here that won't beg further questions? Then you can go into the details later.
 * 'Was'—you mean the law has been extinguished? And when was it enacted? Tell us at the start.
 * 'Never' should be 'does not'.
 * 'Proponents of the law allege, on the contrary, that it reinforces religious freedom, since it aims at protecting people who are in a weak position, including children, from being forced into religious and other activities by criminal organizations.'
 * Consider instead: 'On the contrary, proponents of the law allege that it reinforces religious freedom, because it aims to protect people who are in a weak position, including school children, from being forced by criminal organizations into religious and other activities.' But what are these 'other activities'? Homework? ' ...and activities that the legislators regarded as being a threat to ...'?