Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Frank McGee (ice hockey)/archive1

Frank McGee (ice hockey)

 * Nominator(s): Kaiser matias (talk) 00:52, 25 October 2022 (UTC)

"One-Eyed" Frank McGee was once one of the biggest names in hockey, but today is known mainly for three things: playing with one eye; scoring 14 goals in one game; and dying in the First World War. This article goes into a bit more than that, and while it is on the shorter end (1800 words at time of nomination), it is comprehensive and detailed. It passed GA many years ago (credit to for that), but I've worked on it the past few months to bring it here. Kaiser matias (talk) 00:52, 25 October 2022 (UTC)

Image review
 * Don't use fixed px size
 * Suggest adding alt text
 * File:Silver7.jpg needs a US tag and author date of death. Ditto File:Frank_mcgee_enlistment.jpg. Nikkimaria (talk) 01:43, 25 October 2022 (UTC)
 * Thanks for being so quick. Fixed most, but for the enlistment image, I'm not sure what would be the most appropriate tags here: it is a Canadian government document, so I don't think an author tag like is being used is right, but this is far from my specialty. Any thoughts? Kaiser matias (talk) 01:56, 25 October 2022 (UTC)
 * PD-Canada-anon should work for Canadian status; I suspect the problem is going to be US status. Nikkimaria (talk) 02:15, 25 October 2022 (UTC)
 * It wouldn't qualify as a pre-1927 public domain work would it? It wasn't published for the public consumption at the time, but still published, no? Kaiser matias (talk) 00:12, 26 October 2022 (UTC)
 * "Published" has a particular meaning in US law, which you can find here - generally public consumption is part of the deal. Nikkimaria (talk) 03:13, 26 October 2022 (UTC)

Comments

 * "His brother Jim was also a noted athlete in football and ice hockey" - could do with a link on football as it is unclear which sport this refers to (I bet it isn't the one I think of when I hear the word "football"). Also link ice hockey here rather than on the second use.
 * " Walter also served in the war," - which war? The last sentence mentioned two wars.
 * "he was promoted within the Dominion lands branch of the Department" - I'm guessing "Dominion lands" means something specific in Canada? Is there an appropriate link?
 * "Historian Paul Kitchen has suggested McGee's rise" => "Historian Paul Kitchen has suggested that McGee's rise"
 * "the connections both of his father John and William Foran," => "the connections both of his father John and of William Foran,"
 * "McGee was the youngest member of the team and standing 5 ft 6 in" => "McGee was the youngest member of the team and stood 5 ft 6 in"
 * "He repeated the feat in a game on March 9 against the Brandon Hockey Club" - this sentence has no full stop
 * "prompting the Nuggets' manager to reportedly say McGee " => "prompting the Nuggets' manager to reportedly say that McGee "
 * "This included eight consecutive goals scored in less than nine minutes,[30] which remains" => "This included eight consecutive goals scored in less than nine minutes,[30] and remains" (the record is the 14 not the 8)
 * "McGee scored five or more goals in eight other senior matches" - other than what? No game has been mentioned immediately prior to this
 * "At the time it was a common play, before icing rules for the defence" => "At the time it was a common play, before icing rules, for the defence"
 * That's what I got! -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 18:50, 26 October 2022 (UTC)

Gog the Mild
Recusing to review.

Having read through this, the prose does not seem to meet the "engaging and of a professional standard" criteria. I shall look at a couple of sections in detail to see if this was just an unfortunate first impression.


 * "Along with his brother Charles, McGee had been a member of the Non-Permanent Active Militia of Canada, and when ..." Could we put the stress on the subject of the article, with something like 'McGee had been a member of the Non-Permanent Active Militia of Canada, along with his brother Charles, and when ...'
 * The 43rd Regiment was the "43rd Regiment, Duke of Cornwall's Own Rifles" during WWI. It did not become "The Ottawa Regiment (The Duke of Cornwall's Own)" until 1920.
 * Do you have a military source for the 21st Battalion being part of the 43rd Regiment, Duke of Cornwall's Own Rifles during WWI, as I don't believe that it was. (Two battalions of this regiment were formed and served overseas during WWI - the 38th and the 207th.)
 * "the armoured car he was driving was blown into a ditch from a shell". Perhaps "from" → 'by'.
 * "McGee was sent back to England on December 28 to recover, and spent several months recuperating." Having been told that he was in England to recover, do we need to be told in the same sentence that he did indeed spend the time recuperating?
 * "On July 7, 1916 McGee was medically cleared to return to active duty and returned to service on August 29." "... return ... returned ..." is a little clumsy.
 * "joining them on September 5, and took part in the Battle of the Somme." Could the tense be consistent? Ie, if "joining", then "took" → 'taking'.
 * "On the day of his death, he was mentioned in dispatches for actions he performed late in the morning that day." 1. This is clumsy. 2. Could we avoid repeating "day". 3. I strongly doubt it. It was usually weeks or months, occasionally years, between an action and it being recognised by a mention in despatches. 4. Would it be possible to quote some or all of the mention, if only as a footnote?
 * "Both of their names were later added to the Canadian National Vimy Memorial". "added" seems odd; were they initially missed off. Or would 'inscribed' serve better.
 * See MOS:NOFORCELINK: "Do use a link wherever appropriate, but as far as possible do not force a reader to use that link to understand the sentence. The text needs to make sense to readers who cannot follow links." This seems to not be applied several times in the article, eg with "mentioned in despatches".

This section was better than it appeared on first reading. I shall pick another to examine.


 * See MOS:NOFORCELINK re "a Father of Confederation".
 * Is there a Wikilink for Privy Council? (Nice in line explanation.)
 * "After finishing his schooling in Ottawa". Is it known which school(s) he attended? Is it known when he commenced and completed his education?
 * "He had a passion for sports and played lacrosse and rugby and excelled at ice hockey." Three ties "and" in six words! And no punctuation?
 * "While playing half-back for his rugby team, Ottawa City, he was a member of the team". Spot the redundancy. I mean, he would be, wouldn't he?
 * "McGee lost use of his left eye during an amateur game for a local Canadian Pacific Railway team from a "lifted puck." I am left unclear as to just how McGee lost his sight. Did a puck - whatever a "puck" is strike him in the eye during the game? If so, could we be told.
 * "despite risking permanent blindness". In what way was this the case? At least, more so than not playing? Was loss of sight very common among ice hockey plyers?
 * "Highly sought out". I think what is meant is 'Highly sought after'.
 * "and standing 5 ft 6 in (1.68 m) tall". "standing" → 'stood'.
 * Do we need to be told his height twice in the article?
 * No links for "Ottawa CPR" and "Canadian Railway Hockey Union"? If not and they are notable there should be red links.

A better article than I had first thought, but I am nevertheless leaning oppose. I note that it sat for a month at PR without attracting comment, which is a shame. It would probably have benefitted from a visit to GoCER. I shall think on't and see what other reviewers have to say. Gog the Mild (talk) 13:17, 27 October 2022 (UTC)
 * I am going to be honest, the GoCER completely slipped my mind here, and based on your comments and that by, I think that may be the best route to go right now. Rather than waste time or try and rush through it here, I think best to withdraw at this time, get it copyedited (and maybe reviewed at PR or somewhere else, hopefully), and try again. And thanks to you both for the initial review, I hope to be back soon with a stronger article for everyone. Kaiser matias (talk) 19:12, 27 October 2022 (UTC)


 * Hi Km and thanks for taking the review in the spirit in which it was intended. Although I am recused, I think that I shall allow myself to archive the nomination as you request. Do ping me when it returns. Bear in mind the usual two-week hiatus.

Gog the Mild (talk) 19:36, 27 October 2022 (UTC)