Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Freedom (concert)/archive1

Freedom (concert)

 * Nominator(s): Pseud 14 (talk) 20:49, 10 March 2023 (UTC)

Having previously worked on a Filipino concert article, I've decided to try my hand with another one. This time it is about a 2021 livestreaming concert curated by singer Regine Velasquez at the height of the COVID-19 lockdowns and absence of in-person live events. It finds Velasquez crafting a show with the intention of being given the freedom to sing whatever she wants and to have freedom from her audience's high expectations. Constructive criticism, in any form and from anyone, will be appreciated. Happy to address your comments and thanks to all who take the time to review. Pseud 14 (talk) 20:49, 10 March 2023 (UTC)

Support from Gog the Mild
Recusing to review.


 * "through four live streaming platforms at 8:00 p.m." Should "at" be 'from'?
 * I think "at" is used to describe specific times or a particular numerical time on the clock i.e. it aired on Wednesdays at 9:00 p.m., "from" would probably be used for time ranges/duration i.e. from 8:00 p.m to midnight. Thoughts?
 * In which case perhaps 'through four live streaming platforms at 8:00 p.m.'?
 * Done as suggested (I think). Let me know if I understood it correctly.

More to follow. Gog the Mild (talk) 23:34, 10 March 2023 (UTC)
 * "she's". The MoS depreciates such contractions. (If it didn't, it would be 'she'd'.)
 * "spanning different music eras, such as Elton John, Chris Isaak, George Michael, Sara Bareilles, Dua Lipa, and Billie Eilish". That doesn't really work. Perhaps rephrase?
 * "many of whom praised". "whom" → 'which'.
 * "₱1 million". Is it known what the equivalent in US dollars was?
 * Thank you for doing the review Gog. I have addressed all points, except where I had a comment to clarify. Pseud 14 (talk) 00:56, 11 March 2023 (UTC)


 * "Development of Freedom began ..." → 'The development of Freedom began ...'.
 * Done


 * "the show would be livestreamed on February 14, 2021". But it wouldn't. Maybe 'the show was scheduled to be livestreamed on February 14, 2021' or similar?
 * Done


 * "The concert's name and concept was crafted from Velasquez's desire to perform new material from a variety of music genres and step out of her comfort zone." This seems a little promotional. Could we step back from Wikipedia's voice? 'Velasquez stated that the concert's name and concept was crafted from her desire to perform new material from a variety of music genres and step out of her comfort zone.' or similar?
 * Revised as suggested


 * "In an online press conference with Star Music, Velasquez revealed, "Because of the pandemic that happened, it’s like we all want to be free. Personally, I wanted to do something else and be given that freedom of singing whatever I want ... free of expectations from people". This seems both primary sourcing and marketing tosh. What information is it conveying? Whatever it is, could it not be paraphrased in straight prose? (Per MOS:QUOTE.)
 * Paraphrased in prose.


 * Does the last sentence of this paragraph not effectively duplicate the first?
 * Removed


 * "The show was stated to have a total of 20 production numbers and will have a running time of two hours". This mixes tense. One way of resolving t would be 'The show was stated to have a total of 20 production numbers and a running time of two hours'. There are others.
 * Revised per suggestion


 * "and revealed that". Maybe something a little more NPOV? 'claimed', 'stated', 'asserted', 'said' or even more circumlocutory?
 * Done

More to follow. Gog the Mild (talk) 03:10, 11 March 2023 (UTC)
 * Thanks Gog. Comments/suggestions have been actioned. Let me know if I missed anything.Pseud 14 (talk) 04:43, 11 March 2023 (UTC)


 * "female dancers doing a lyrical dance routine." Consider "doing" → 'performing'.
 * Done


 * Optional: Something at the end of this paragraph to indicate that the first act has ended? Similarly at the end of the following paragraph.
 * I was able to use "ended the segment" on the second para. Can't think of any alternative to close the act or end the segment for the first para though. Hopefully that's fine.


 * "Freedom closed with a performance of Tears for Fears's "Mad World"." Should it be mentioned that this was an encore?
 * Added


 * "A music critic from the Manila Standard. Is the name of this critic known?
 * Unfortunately, it's not mentioned on the article. In the absence of name(s) in reviews for film/tv/concerts, we usually substitute it with media critic, music critic, a writer for [publication].

Not in my usual area, so feel free to argue with anything. Still, nice to see such a solid article outside of where I usually review. Gog the Mild (talk) 22:29, 11 March 2023 (UTC)
 * Thanks Gog, I have addressed the above. Let me know if they are to your satisfaction. I appreciate you taking on this review, a fresh set of eyes is always welcome. Pseud 14 (talk) 23:53, 11 March 2023 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the thorough review and your support Gog. Pseud 14 (talk) 00:09, 12 March 2023 (UTC)

Comments Support from Chris

 * "Freedom: The Regine Velasquez Digital Concert" - infobox image seems to suggest the full-length title was actually Freedom: The Regine Velasquez-Alcasid Digital Concert
 * Updated the title


 * "that she'd never done before" => "that she had never done before" (no contractions!)
 * You're right! I should've remembered, I learned this from your reviews :)


 * "Velasquez stated that the concert's name and concept was crafted" => "Velasquez stated that the concert's name and concept were crafted" (there are two subjects so the verb should be plural)
 * Done


 * "by The Philippine Star, who noted it is" => "by The Philippine Star, which noted that it was"
 * Done


 * "The performance began [...] She then descends [...] The singer continued" - begins in the past tense then switches to present tense then back to past. Use past throughout the synopsis
 * Should be consistent in the past tense now


 * "including those who have passed away" => "including those who had died"
 * Done


 * "In a review by the Philippine Entertainment Portal, it considered the show's production" => "A review by the Philippine Entertainment Portal considered the show's production"
 * Done


 * Think that's it :-) -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 10:21, 12 March 2023 (UTC)
 * Thank you for your review ChrisTheDude. I have actioned your comments, let me know if I missed anything. Pseud 14 (talk) 14:52, 12 March 2023 (UTC)


 * Support -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 19:42, 12 March 2023 (UTC)
 * Thank you for reviewing and for your support ChrisTheDude. Pseud 14 (talk) 19:53, 12 March 2023 (UTC)

Image review
 * Don't use fixed px size. Nikkimaria (talk) 21:57, 17 March 2023 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the image review Nikkimaria. Removed px size. Pseud 14 (talk) 01:21, 18 March 2023 (UTC)


 * Drive-by comment
 * "₱1 million (US$0.02 million)" looks very strange; something like "₱1 million (US$20,000)" would be better. —Kusma (talk) 09:14, 20 March 2023 (UTC)
 * Thanks Kusma. Revised as suggested. Pseud 14 (talk) 12:52, 20 March 2023 (UTC)

Source review - pass

 * No verification problems found in my brief spotcheck.
 * All refs have links to accesible archives.
 * I feel obligated to ask, are there any secondary sources that could be used as alternatives to Instagram (ref 5) and Twitter (ref 6, 19)? Since these are posts from Velasquez herself they are acceptable in the absence of other options.--NØ 13:17, 21 March 2023 (UTC)
 * Thank you for the source review MaranoFan. I have removed ref 5 & 6, replaced with a secondary source (now ref 4). Ref 19 has been replaced with a secondary source, now Ref 17. Let me know if there's anything I may have missed. Pseud 14 (talk) 13:43, 21 March 2023 (UTC)
 * Thanks for addressing this so quickly. Apologies for another minor nitpick, but I noticed that most of the refs that go to news.abs-cbn.com have ABS-CBNnews.com as the publisher but ref 3 and ref 11 have ABS-CBN News. It should probably be consistent. This is the last thing I caught.--NØ 13:57, 21 March 2023 (UTC)
 * MaranoFan No worries at all and thanks for catching that. I believe it should all be fixed and consistent now. Pseud 14 (talk) 14:04, 21 March 2023 (UTC)
 * With that out of the way, the source review passes!--NØ 14:07, 21 March 2023 (UTC)
 * I also support this FAC on prose. Got a good look at it during the source review and it is engaging and of a professional standard. It is well-researched, and props to the nominator for watching the whole concert and writing an elaborate synopsis of it for the readers.--NØ</b> 09:22, 24 March 2023 (UTC)
 * Thank you for the kinds words. Appreciate the dual reviews and your support MaranoFan. Pseud 14 (talk) 17:21, 24 March 2023 (UTC)

Eli
Saving a spot, will come to this after Telephone :) <b style="border-radius:3em;padding:4px;background:#37607C;color:white;">‍ ‍ Elias 🌊 ‍ </b> ‍ <span style="display:inline-block;margin-bottom:-0.3em;vertical-align:-0.4em;line-height:1.2em;font-size:80%;text-align:left"><sup style="font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit;vertical-align:baseline">💬 "Will you call me?" <sub style="font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit;vertical-align:baseline">📝 "Will you hang me out to dry?" 01:38, 28 March 2023 (UTC)

Back! Delighted to review more of your stuff


 * Convert all double quotation marks used in reference titles to single quotation marks (MOS:QWQ)

Lead

 * "Velasquez arranged for the livestream in order to perform material from a variety of music genres"
 * I feel like this would be a great opportunity to include the "freedom of singing" quotation to wrap it back to the opening line
 * The sentence's structure as it stands is somewhat convoluted and hard to parse. "Freedom's premise is 'freedom of singing', stemming from Velasquez's desire to cover songs from several genres" --- how's that?
 * "create a live experience on a stream that she had never done before" very vague. I looked at the prose to see if there was anything there that clarified the meaning for me, but I found nothing. Perhaps it is an allusion to the "Velasquez additionally thought her fans were longing for some sort of human connection" bit, but in that case, I think it's better to just say that outright?
 * "Freedom was filmed live" the live is redundant
 * "Commercially, the show was also successful" the ticket sales speak for itself; remove it

Development and background

 * You specify Valentine's Day in the lead but not the prose.
 * I've piped to February 14 as mentioning both the date and "Valentine's day" would appear redundant. Pseud 14 (talk) 14:26, 28 March 2023 (UTC)


 * Split everything in the first paragraph starting from "Freedom was officially announced in December..." The sentences before that cover the online benefit concerts she did, and Freedom isn't really one.
 * "A promotional poster was released along with the announcement of the venture showing a portrait of Velasquez's head shot in grayscale." I am pretty sure most concerts come with promotional posters. Simplify this to "The promotional poster depicted a portrait of Velasquez's head shot in greyscale." In case there was more than one promotional poster, change the "the" article to "a".
 * I hate to nitpick this, but "step out of comfort zone" is a MOS:IDIOM and must be replaced.
 * Is there any particular reason behind saying "claimed" "said" "asserted" and other such similar words when discussing Velasquez's vision for Freedom? It makes it seem like we shouldn't take what she says at face value.
 * Per Gog's review above, usage is more NPOV. Pseud 14 (talk) 14:26, 28 March 2023 (UTC)


 * "Velasquez was heavily involved in planning and production" you already said this
 * "Velasquez was heavily involved in planning and production, and said that her main objective was to deliver performances of songs from various music eras 'with an exciting twist'. She claimed that working on the project fueled her artistic growth and maturity.
 * This fits more snugly with the previous section. you can merge the "main objective... music eras ... 'exciting twist' " bit with the part on the previous paragraph that mentions how she wanted to "perform new material from a variety of music genres", and you can move the "artistic growth" part after "different elements of the production"
 * Move the sentence about the production numbers after the sentence about the filming location
 * Split everything in the last paragraph starting from "On February 9..." into its own paragraph.
 * The lead says "potential exposure" while the body says "due to a COVID-19 exposure". One implies a possibility and another implies that possibility happened. Clarify which one it is.
 * Consistent now. Pseud 14 (talk) 14:26, 28 March 2023 (UTC)

Synopsis

 * "VIP-ticket holders got to experience exclusive behind the scenes footage from Freedom's rehearsals" I think this should be at the end, beside "VIP-ticket guests also got to attend a virtual meet-and-greet and after party"
 * Later in the prose you say the concert is divided into acts. State this fact: "The concert is divided into four acts and opens..."
 * Be consistent with the tense. "descended the podium...goes straight..." is one example.
 * "she made her way to a piano" if she played this song on a piano, say that instead
 * Since the premise is that Velasquez covered many songs from several different eras, include the release years for each song after namedropping them
 * "performed 'Levitating'...with her dancers while doing a choreography" ambiguous sentence structure. Did Velasquez dance with the dancers? Did the dancers also sing "Levitating"? A mix of Both?
 * Revised and clarified. Pseud 14 (talk) 14:26, 28 March 2023 (UTC)


 * "cover of Adele's 'Rolling in the Deep' and interpolation of Linkin Park's 'In the End' " to clarify, she interpolated Linkin Park for this Adele cover, yes?
 * Correct. Pseud 14 (talk) 14:26, 28 March 2023 (UTC)


 * "lyrical dance routine" -> "dance routine based on the lyrics"?
 * I think lyrical dance itself is a much more appropriate terminology. Pseud 14 (talk) 14:26, 28 March 2023 (UTC)


 * "paying tribute to individuals in the industry" you mean the music industry?
 * Entertainment industry. Pseud 14 (talk) 14:26, 28 March 2023 (UTC)

Critical reception

 * We mentioned earlier that Velasquez felt pressure to continue surprising her audience. In the critical reception section, try to link that to her prior comment by saying the reviews seemed to indicate that her worries were assuaged.
 * I think the Rappler review which described her demeanor as relaxed, etc. seemed to allude to that, including the quote. I'm not sure if her personal worries needs to be justified with the positive review. Pseud 14 (talk) 14:26, 28 March 2023 (UTC)


 * Since we only have three reviewers, write "Freedom was met with positive reviews from three critics." Using "generally" implies a wide pool of commentary from which to derive consensus, which is not the case here.
 * ""bared Regine's beautiful range and exceptional artistry" give examples of songs that exemplified this.

That's all I have to say. We are close to the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of prose; all we need is a bit of tweaking here and there and we're good to go! I performed thorough copyediting to address issues with clarity, flow, cohesion, concision, and repetition; and make sure the intended meaning in some parts was properly reflected. Nothing about the content itself has changed drastically, so it should be okay; regardless, please feel free to revert changes with which you disagree.

Thank you for this article! I had a great time reading this. If you have time and energy, your input on a FAC of mine would greatly be appreciated. Still, you are not obligated to respond. Hope wiki-life and off-wiki life are treating you well, and have a nice week! <b style="border-radius:3em;padding:4px;background:#37607C;color:white;">‍ ‍ Elias 🌊 ‍ </b> ‍ <span style="display:inline-block;margin-bottom:-0.3em;vertical-align:-0.4em;line-height:1.2em;font-size:80%;text-align:left"><sup style="font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit;vertical-align:baseline">💬 "Will you call me?" <sub style="font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit;vertical-align:baseline">📝 "Will you hang me out to dry?" 06:59, 28 March 2023 (UTC) <sub style="font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit;vertical-align:baseline">📝 "Will you hang me out to dry?" 01:41, 29 March 2023 (UTC)
 * Thanks for your thorough review and copyedits Your Power. I have addressed all points, unless otherwise stated. Let me know if you have additional comments or if I missed anything. I'd be happy to have a look at your FAC this week. Pseud 14 (talk) 14:26, 28 March 2023 (UTC)
 * Thank you @Pseud 14. I rewatched some ABS-CBN coverage of the concert, and with that in mind you should probably clarify that Velasquez paid tribute to figures from the Philippine entertainment industry, no? Apart from that, that's all. There is nothing at this point holding back a support from me :) <b style="border-radius:3em;padding:4px;background:#37607C;color:white;">‍ ‍ Elias 🌊 ‍ </b> ‍ <span style="display:inline-block;margin-bottom:-0.3em;vertical-align:-0.4em;line-height:1.2em;font-size:80%;text-align:left"><sup style="font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit;vertical-align:baseline">💬 "Will you call me?"
 * Thank you for the support Your Power. I’ve clarified in the article as you pointed out. Much appreciate your edits too. They have been very helpful. Pseud 14 (talk) 02:26, 29 March 2023 (UTC)

Ian Rose (talk) 21:59, 31 March 2023 (UTC)