Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Melanie Barnett/archive1


 * The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.

The article was promoted by Sarastro1 via FACBot (talk) 23:03, 6 November 2017.

Melanie Barnett

 * Nominator(s): Aoba47 (talk) 20:53, 14 October 2017 (UTC)

Hello everyone! This article is about is a fictional character who appears in the American sitcom The Game, portrayed by actress Tia Mowry. Introduced in a backdoor pilot on Girlfriends as Joan Clayton's cousin, Melanie chooses to support her boyfriend Derwin Davis' career in the fictional National Football League (NFL) team the San Diego Sabres rather than attend the medical program at Johns Hopkins University. The series primarily focuses on Melanie and Derwin's rocky relationship, with Melanie's fears of infidelity serving as the core of a majority of the episodes' storylines. I found a surprisingly nice amount of coverage on the character, ranging from Melanie's character development to Mowry's casting, departure, and return. Critics responded negatively to Melanie, though the character received more positive attention from fans. Mowry's performance received primarily positive reviews from critics. I created and expanded this article earlier in the year by myself. This is one of the projects that I am the most proud of on here. I have actually never seen this show and I was primarily inspired to make this article after seeing ChangedforBetter's work on the Denise Huxtable page. I hope that this nomination encourages more people to work on articles on fictional characters and put them through the FAC process and create and work on new articles for notable fictional characters who do not already have one on here. I believe that this article meets all of the criteria for a featured article. I look forward to everyone's feedback and suggestions. Thank you in advance! Aoba47 (talk) 20:53, 14 October 2017 (UTC)

Comments by Ceranthor

 * which aired on The CW Television Network and BET - I usually expect a time frame after this; "from 2006 to 2015" should do the trick.
 * Added. Aoba47 (talk) 18:21, 16 October 2017 (UTC)


 * rather than attend the medical program - do you mean medical school? I've never heard of a "medical program" in the US
 * I have heard both terms used, but I have changed it to medical school. Aoba47 (talk) 18:21, 16 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Intelligence is one of her defining characteristics. Mowry left the series in 2012 on learning that her role would be reduced as a result of co-star Pooch Hall's decision - These two sentences have little to do with each other, and I'm afraid it's disjointed to read. Better organization of ideas would help; I think it would be best to move the intelligence bit to the second paragraph
 * I have removed the intelligence part as I do not believe it is important enough enough to be included in the lead. I think that should hopefully solve this, but let me know what you think. Aoba47 (talk) 18:21, 16 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Media commentators also panned the character's representation as a mother. - I know this is just the lead, but a brief explanation of why the character was criticized would help
 * Added a short part to hopefully better explain this. Aoba47 (talk) 18:21, 16 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Derwin proposes marriage to her on live television, during the halftime of a Sabres game, and despite her concerns she accepts.[6] - this comes sort of abruptly; could you transition to this or provide more context prior to it?
 * Added some context. Aoba47 (talk) 18:21, 16 October 2017 (UTC)


 * During this time, she has an abortion, leaving her highly unlikely to conceive children naturally. - Does the show elaborate if this infertility is due to a complication? If so could you clarify that?
 * To the best of my knowledge, it seems that the infertility came from complications from the abortion so I have added that in. Aoba47 (talk) 18:21, 16 October 2017 (UTC)


 * and because she is considered an unfit parent is allowed limited contact with the child - considered unfit because?
 * I have added some more information. I had to include a reference to the primary source (an episode of the series) as I could not find a credible/reliable source to support this. Aoba47 (talk) 18:21, 16 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Cynthia Addai-Robinson was originally cast to play Melanie,[4] before Tia Mowry was chosen to play the role instead - This sentence reads awkwardly, particularly the second half. Tweak it a bit
 * Revised. Not sure how I missed that one lol. Aoba47 (talk) 18:21, 16 October 2017 (UTC)


 * professor Marquita Marie Gammage - of what institution?
 * Added. Thank you for catching this. Aoba47 (talk) 18:21, 16 October 2017 (UTC)

This is a well-written and interesting article. It just needs a few more details fleshed out before it's totally ready.  ceran  thor 17:26, 16 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you for your comments! I greatly appreciate that you took the time to review this. I would also like to thank you for your kind words. I enjoyed making this article, and I am glad you found it interesting. I believe that I have addressed all of your remarks, and I look forward to hearing your response. Aoba47 (talk) 18:21, 16 October 2017 (UTC)

Support on prose. I think this is a well-written and engaging article.  ceran  thor 21:42, 16 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you! Aoba47 (talk) 21:56, 16 October 2017 (UTC)

Image review by Panagiotis Zois

 * File:MelanieBarnettImage.jpg - Image is under a fair-use licence and has the appropriate rationale. Used only once in the infobox. Sidenote: You really do go all the way with image information.
 * File:Mara Brock Akil.jpg - Image originates from a YouTube video which uses the Creative Commons licence Attribution 3.0 Unported, which is acceptable in Wikipedia. Used in "Production" section which discusses Akil.
 * File:Lauren London.jpg - To be honest, this image worries me a little. While it also has the CC Attribution 3.0 licence, it lacks a source. As for the PictureAtlanta.net website, it's down. The description says that the author is a guy named Travis Hudgons; I did find his Flickr account and the same image of London but it's copyrighted and watermarked. Here's the link.

So basically, the first two images are just fine, but I think the third one needs to go. Unless another image London exists that isn't copyrighted. PanagiotisZois (talk) 10:41, 17 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you for the image review! I have removed the Lauren London image per your suggestion. Aoba47 (talk) 16:07, 17 October 2017 (UTC)
 * You're welcome :D. Not sure if it's necessary for me to state this for image reviews but it passes. PanagiotisZois (talk) 18:28, 17 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you! Aoba47 (talk) 18:37, 17 October 2017 (UTC)

Comments from FrB.TG

 * "which aired on The CW Television Network" - I think Television Network should either be part of the link or just go.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 15:44, 19 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "on the sitcom Girlfriends as Joan Clayton's cousin" - who plays Clayton?
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 15:44, 19 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "the fictional National Football League (NFL) team the San Diego Sabres" - a comma needed between team and the.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 15:44, 19 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "Critical response to the character Melanie was primarily negative, with critics" - critical ... critics
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 15:44, 19 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "portrayal as being unable" - would replacing this with simply "inability" work here?
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 15:44, 19 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "She received nominations for two NAACP Image Awards and a Teen Choice Awards nomination for the role" - nominations ... nomination.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 15:44, 19 October 2017 (UTC)


 * I count seven despite's in the article, which is a little repetitive.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 15:44, 19 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "Tasha and Kelly offer Melanie advice, such as using" - shouldn't advice be plural here?
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 15:44, 19 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "The couple end their engagement after Melanie discovers that Derwin was having sex with a singer" - I don't think using continuous tense works here.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 15:44, 19 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "Due to this, she is considered an unfit parent" - by whom?
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 15:44, 19 October 2017 (UTC)

Down to the end of section Role. – FrB.TG (talk) 11:02, 19 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you for your comments so far. I look forward to the rest of your review. Have a wonderful rest of your day. Aoba47 (talk) 15:44, 19 October 2017 (UTC)


 * She received nominations for two NAACP Image Awards and a Teen Choice Awards for the role. - singular here (TCA)
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Akil had originally conceived the show's premise out of her respect for football, - Mara's surname is Brock Akil, not just Akil.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Akil referred to their characters, Melanie and Derwin - ^^
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * During this process, she lost ten pounds and chose to straighten her hair for auditions -> During this process, she lost 10 lb and straightened her hair for auditions.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * To prepare for the role, she consulted frequently with - consulted not consulted with. They are both correct, but I think the usage of the former is more common.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * When discussing her reasons for auditioning, she said: "I can take on challenging roles and that's where I want to go". - this quote can be paraphrased.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * VIBE Vixen's Jennifer Hickman referred to Melanie as "bookwormy" - this one is rather tricky (since the term is not very common) but we are not supposed to wiki-link inside a quotation, per WP:LINKSTYLE, fourth bullet point.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Random source comment: there seems to be something missing or extra in ref 33: "Taylor, Derrick Bryson (June 21, 2012). "Is Lauren London Replacing Tia Mowry on 'The Game?'". Essencedead-url=no. Retrieved August 9, 2016."
 * Media outlets viewed Keira and London as a replacement for Melanie and Mowry. - respectively? – FrB.TG (talk) 11:47, 20 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Mowry decided to leave the show when Melanie's role was slated to become "less important" in comparison to previous seasons. - less important can be paraphrased. Also "decided to leave" -> "left"
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Greg Braxton of The Los Angeles Times -> Greg Braxton of the Los Angeles Times. (Also, take the out of the link).
 * Revised. I have taken out the link, but it seems a little odd not to include it as it was the first use of the newspaper in the article. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you for the clarification. Aoba47 (talk) 17:12, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * For the series finale, Mowry and Hall reprised their roles as Melanie and Derwin - their characters' names should be mentioned at the earliest instance of "Mowry and Hall".
 * I am not entirely sure what you mean by this comment. Could you please elaborate? Thank you. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * even though -> though (they both have the same meaning; this does not require action, just a suggestion).
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Melanie Barnett has been widely criticized by television critics. - again criticized .. critics. Also consider removing widely.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * She contrasted Melanie with white characters on television, writing - either comma or "that" after writing
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Despite this negative feedback, Mowry received positive feedback from fans - I would remove the despite part. Critics and fans usually have different opinions. There is nothing unnormal about it. I also believe that FAC is not a big fan of the words despite, however etc.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Even though she was critical of the overall show, The Chicago Tribune's Maureen Ryan called Mowry "charming and capable". - I was a little confused with the sentence. For a second, I thought Mowry was critical of the show. Would be better as "The Chicago Tribune's Maureen Ryan was critical of the overall show, she called Mowry..." Also, regarding The Chicago Tribune, see my point above about Los Angles Times. – FrB.TG (talk) 15:48, 20 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Makes sense. :*Revised. I have taken out the link, but it seems a little odd not to include it as it was the first use of the newspaper in the article. Aoba47 (talk) 16:06, 20 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you for the clarification. Aoba47 (talk) 17:12, 20 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Support on prose. I found it well-written, although it would be great if another pair of eyes could look into it. These are my edits. – FrB.TG (talk) 18:53, 21 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you for the support and your edits have helped a lot. Hopefully, more reviewers will be able to help with this in the future, but I greatly appreciate your help and feedback. Aoba47 (talk) 20:22, 21 October 2017 (UTC)

Sources review
Sources seem to be in good order, of appropriate reliability.
 * Ref 28 requires a page ref.
 * Unfortunately, the version that I used on GoogleBooks here does not have the page numbers for some reason. Aoba47 (talk) 15:50, 19 October 2017 (UTC)


 * As a general point, it isn't necessary, with well-known journals such as the NYT, Washington Post or San Francisco Chronicle, to include the publishing firm's name as well as the title. This can add a lot of clutter to the reference, e.g. "The New York Times. The New York Times Company". Not worth amending here, but perhaps bear im mind next time.  Brianboulton (talk) 15:32, 19 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Revised. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Aoba47 (talk) 15:50, 19 October 2017 (UTC)

Thank you for the source review. I believe that I have addressed both of your points. Aoba47 (talk) 15:50, 19 October 2017 (UTC)

Comments from Jaguar

 * "Melanie and Derwin were replaced by draft pick Bryce "The Blueprint" Westbrook and child star Keira Whitaker, portrayed by Jay Ellis and Lauren London, respectively. Media outlets viewed Keira and London as a replacement for Melanie and Mowry" - it's already been established that Ellis and London were replacements, why did critics state the obvious or is there another meaning to it? Also, shouldn't "viewed Keira and London as a replacement" be viewed Ellis and London (the actress' last name)?
 * I have revised this. I have changed the first sentence to reflect that the new characters were introduced following Melanie and Derwin's exist. Critics thought the new characters were replacements for the old ones, while the producer and actors from the show argued otherwise. As for the "Keira and London" part, I am comparing the character and the actor to "Melanie and Mowry" so bringing in the actor playing Bryce "The Blueprint" Westbrook (i.e. Ellis) would not make sense in this context. Hope that makes sense. Aoba47 (talk) 14:06, 22 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "Jaime Lee wrote that viewers had connected with the fictional couple relating to their struggles. Jennifer Hickman felt that Melanie's romance and struggles with Derwin would be appealing to viewers" - Jamie Lee and Jennifer Hickman from where? What magazines/publications? I noticed that they're in the fans' feedback paragraph.
 * Thank you for catching this. I am not sure how I missed that. I have add the publication for Jamie Lee, while Jennifer Hickman was introduced in a previous section. Aoba47 (talk) 14:06, 22 October 2017 (UTC)

I had no idea that this was Tia Mowry from Sister, Sister! I used to love watching that when I was a child. I've come late to this review and have already seen a large and established set of comments above, which explains why I couldn't spot many issues. Overall this is well written, comprehensive and enjoyable to read. I satisfied that this meets the FA criteria so I'll go ahead and support this now. JAG UAR   11:08, 22 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you for the support and for your comments. I greatly appreciate your help as you have helped to improve the article as a whole. Aoba47 (talk) 14:06, 22 October 2017 (UTC)

Comments from Freikorp

 * I'm not sure if it's necessary to mention the name of the pilot ("The Game") in the lead, but up to you.
 * Agreed; I have added it according to one of the above reviewer's requests, but it is not necessary. Aoba47 (talk) 15:03, 24 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "with the fictional National Football League (NFL) team, the San Diego Sabres" - I'd write this "with the San Diego Sabres, a fictional National Football League (NFL) team." As it's currently written it made me wonder if the National Football League was itself fictional.
 * Makes sense. Thank you for catching this. Aoba47 (talk) 15:03, 24 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "retired NFL fullback Jameel Cook" - NFL is wikilinked here, though its already linked in its un-abbreviated mention in the 'Role' section.
 * Unlinked. Aoba47 (talk) 15:03, 24 October 2017 (UTC)

That's all I found. Very well written and comprehensive. Well done. Freikorp (talk) 10:30, 24 October 2017 (UTC)
 * "happily-evey-after (sic)" - you can probably get rid of the 'sic' tag and just correct the typo as per MOS:PMC.
 * Edited. Aoba47 (talk) 15:03, 24 October 2017 (UTC)

Thank you for your comments! I believe that I have addressed everything, and I look forward to hearing back from you. Have a great day! Aoba47 (talk) 15:03, 24 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Happy to support this. Freikorp (talk) 23:35, 24 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you! Aoba47 (talk) 23:42, 24 October 2017 (UTC)

Comments from Moise
Hi Aoba. I hope all is well. I'd like to review this article.

Lead:
 * "Media commentators also panned the character's representation as a mother, given her personal and professional sacrifices to support Derwin and inability to properly care for her stepson." I don't understand how "personal and professional sacrifices to support Derwin" relates to motherhood.
 * Revised to hopefully be more clearer. I tried to convey that critics disliked how Melanie was portrayed as unable to become a mother as she put other personal and professional issues first. I have removed it as it is not necessary for the lead. Aoba47 (talk) 04:42, 27 October 2017 (UTC)

Role:
 * "Introduced as the cousin of Joan Clayton (Tracee Ellis Ross) in a backdoor pilot on Girlfriends,[5] Melanie Barnett aspires to be a doctor and is admitted to the medical school at Johns Hopkins University.[6][7] Against Joan's objections, Melanie refuses to attend Johns Hopkins in favor of moving to San Diego to support her boyfriend Derwin Davis' career with the San Diego Sabres, a fictional National Football League (NFL) team." Just checking, but should it be "initially aspires to be a doctor"? Also, "refuses" is very strong—would just like to confirm that "decides against" would not be more suitable. (I haven't seen the show, so I don't know.)
 * Changed "refuses" to "decides against". I kept "aspires" the same as Melanie is shown as always wanting to be a doctor throughout the series (in the end, she does go to medical school). Aoba47 (talk) 05:28, 27 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "Tasha and Kelly offer Melanie words of advice, such as using an ultraviolet light to check for fluids on hotel bed sheets": "offer Melanie words of advice" seems unnecessarily wordy. Maybe something like "Tasha's and Kelly's advice included the idea of using an ultraviolet light to check for fluids on hotel bed sheets."
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 05:28, 27 October 2017 (UTC)

Creation and casting:
 * "The New York Times' Virginia Heffernan wrote that one of the show's objectives was "to relieve ideological tensions instead of creating or ignoring them", citing its multi-ethnic female cast of characters as one of the means of achieving this narrative." Would something like "achieving this goal" be better? I'm not sure that "reliev[ing] ideological tensions instead of creating or ignoring them" is in itself a narrative.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 05:41, 27 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "Brock Akil created the characters of Melanie and Derwin to give viewers access to the world of professional football." Seems closely liked to "Brock Akil had originally conceived the show's premise out of her respect for football, an appreciation she shares with her husband" and there may be some overlap. Perhaps these two sentences could be combined to reduce the overlap and acknowledge the sentences' close relationship.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 05:41, 27 October 2017 (UTC)


 * The third paragraph talks about the sisters' audition and says that "Akil initially debated whether they would be appropriate for the show's tone." This suggest's The Game's tone. But wouldn't the audition have been for Girlfriends, where she originally appeared? And was Cynthia Addai-Robinson considered for The Game even though Tia Mowry had played the role in Girlfriends? Or if Mowry's audition was for The Game, why is there no mention of Akil taking into consideration that Mowry had already played the part? This is all unclear and confusing. Moisejp (talk) 04:04, 27 October 2017 (UTC)
 * I have partially revised this; I will try to explain this here. Melanie only appeared in one episode of Girlfriends in the backdoor pilot for what would become The Game. She was not a regular on Girlfriends and did not appear in any previous episodes; the character was created for the specific purposes of a spin-off. This is a relatively common practice for spin-offs and backdoor pilots. So both actors involved (Addai-Robinson and Mowry) auditioned for The Game and never auditioned for Girlfriends. Addai-Robinson was originally announced to play the character, but she was replaced by Mowry before any production on the show started. I have added this part in (before she was replaced by Tia Mowry prior to the development of the backdoor pilot) to make it clear that Addai-Robinson was replaced prior to the backdoor pilot in Girlfriends and that Mowry always played the role. I hope that clears things up, but let me know if you have any further questions. Aoba47 (talk) 05:41, 27 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "Mowry was billed as The Game's lead actress,[24] with Ken Parish Perkins of The Chicago Defender identifying the series as her star vehicle.[25] Pooch Hall (Derwin Davis) and Mowry were credited as the show's two main stars.[20][3] Brock Akil referred to their characters, Melanie and Derwin, as "the heart" of the series." This part seems repetitive. It's just saying in four different ways that Melanie and Derwin were the main characters and the actors that played them were the show's stars.
 * Understandable; I have revised and shorted this. Aoba47 (talk) 05:41, 27 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "When approached by Brock Akil, Tia responded: "I'm a woman, Mara. I can do this." " Should this be "When questioned by Brock Akil"?
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 05:41, 27 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Why is Brock Akil referred to repeatedly by her first and last names, while Mowry and Hall are referred by just their last names? Moisejp (talk) 04:32, 27 October 2017 (UTC)
 * According to a previous commentator, Brock Akil is her full last name. It is a combination of her maiden name and her husband's last name. Her full name is Mara Brock Akil, with Mara being the first name. Aoba47 (talk) 05:41, 27 October 2017 (UTC)

Portrayal and characterization:
 * Two sentences in the second paragraph begin with "Describing..."
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 05:50, 27 October 2017 (UTC)

Departure:
 * "Ellis and London denied comparisons made between Melanie and Derwin to Bryce and Lauren, believing that they were all separate characters." Would "disagreed with" be more precise here than "denied"? Moisejp (talk) 04:45, 27 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Agreed and revised. Aoba47 (talk) 05:50, 27 October 2017 (UTC)

Response to Melanie:
 * "Jennifer Hickman felt that Melanie's romance and struggles with Derwin would be appealing to viewers." This sentence feels out of place and I'd like to suggest it could be worthwhile to remove. For one thing, it doesn't add much from other points, and thus feels repetitive. But more importantly, Hickman says the "romance and struggles would be appealing to viewers". This means it was just her expectation and can't be used as evidence of what fans' reaction actually was.
 * I agree, and I have removed the sentence in question. Aoba47 (talk) 05:50, 27 October 2017 (UTC)

Response to Mowry:
 * "Critical response to Mowry's performance was primarily positive." We get three positive reviews and one negative one. Three out of four reviews doesn't seem like a big enough sample to be sure it was "primarily positive".
 * Revised. I still think that positive should stay as most of the reviews were positive with the exception of one, but I have removed "primarily". I am open to other ideas/suggestions though. Aoba47 (talk) 05:50, 27 October 2017 (UTC)


 * Every review in this section has a quotation in it. I feel it would be stronger with a little more paraphrasing.
 * Revised. I do go wild with quotes so thank you for pointing this out. Aoba47 (talk) 05:50, 27 October 2017 (UTC)

Those are all of my comments for now. I may do another read-through after you address these. Thanks! Moisejp (talk) 05:03, 27 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you for your review. I always appreciate your comments, and you are one of my inspirations for how to best reviews articles. Please let me know if you have any questions and/or concerns. Have a great rest of your night. Aoba47 (talk) 05:50, 27 October 2017 (UTC)

Thank you for the compliment. Okay, I am doing a second read-through now.

Lead:
 * "Media commentators also panned the character's representation as a mother, such as her informed inability to properly care for her stepson." Why "informed"?
 * True; I have removed this. Aoba47 (talk) 16:54, 28 October 2017 (UTC)

Role:
 * "While living in San Diego": Maybe try to find a way to avoid repeating "San Diego" here. Perhaps "While living there"?
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:54, 28 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "Storylines frequently address her fears that Derwin will cheat on her with other women." Consider removing "with other women" for succinctness.
 * Removed. Aoba47 (talk) 16:54, 28 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "She chooses to return to medical school rather than continue "life as a football girlfriend"." Does she immediately return to medical school? The text says it's not till later that she enrolls in John Hopkins. If she doesn't immediately go to school, then "chooses" may give the wrong impression. Also, although it sounds natural, "return to" seems a little imprecise because she never initially ended up going the first time around.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 16:54, 28 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "She struggles constantly to balance her career and her relationships with Derwin and other men." Maybe okay, and I think the reader can sort of imagine the general gist of this, but if you could make it clearer, it would be even better. Is her "career" at this point being a medical student at another school (if so, I might use "studies" instead), or is she working while waiting to get into John Hopkins? If she and Derwin have broken up, does she need to balance her relationship with him and other men? I guess from the context that they still have feelings for each other and while broken up are still trying to get back together, which they eventually do. Moisejp (talk) 14:44, 28 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Revised to hopefully be clearer. I have kept the "career" part as from what I can tell, she only considered going back to medical school at this point and does not officially make the decision until her departure at the end of the fifth season. Please let me know if this needs more revision. Aoba47 (talk) 16:54, 28 October 2017 (UTC)
 * I think you may have accidentally not saved your changes? I don't seem to see any of them (well, I checked about three of them, not all of them). Moisejp (talk) 02:22, 29 October 2017 (UTC)

Creation and casting:
 * "Brock Akil had originally conceived the show's premise and the characters of Melanie and Derwin to give viewers access to the world of professional football, a sport that she and her husband appreciate.[18][19] Brock Akil had originally conceived the show's premise out of her respect for football, an appreciation she shares with her husband." I think you must have tweaked this sentence but missed deleting the old version.
 * Removed. Aoba47 (talk) 22:56, 29 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "Mowry viewed Melanie as her first "adult role," " Should this comma be outside the quotation marks as is usual in MOS? I hesitated to change it because I know MOS lists a few exceptions and I'm sometimes not sure whether a particular instance may fall under an exception.
 * I think that it should be outside of the quotations. Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 22:56, 29 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "Mowry viewed Melanie as her first "adult role," and explained that she wanted to be seen as more mature following her appearances as Tia Landry on Sister, Sister. When discussing her reasons for auditioning, she said that she wanted to take on a more difficult role." Feels a bit wordy and repetitive. Maybe you could make this more compact by combining ideas. You could also look at whether the next sentence "She described Melanie and The Game as opportunities to showcase her individuality" could possibly be included in your tightening as well, although for me it was the earlier sentences that struck me the most.
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 22:56, 29 October 2017 (UTC)


 * "Melanie's intellect, one of her defining characteristics, earned her the nickname "Med School".[1][30] VIBE Vixen's Jennifer Hickman referred to Melanie as "bookwormy".[31] While discussing Melanie's first appearance in the pilot episode, Virginia Heffernan characterized her as "wholesome and a good student". Heffernan called the character a "kind of Cosby Show figure" because of her initial reluctance to join the Sabre Sunbeams." I feel you could also make this more compact. Moisejp (talk) 16:16, 29 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 23:07, 29 October 2017 (UTC)

Departure and return:
 * "Greg Braxton of the Los Angeles Times compared Mowry and Hall's departures to Brittany Daniel (Kelly Pitts) exiting the show following its transition to BET and Jill Marie Jones (Toni Childs) deciding to leave Girlfriends." This feels like filler information to me. Or maybe if it was shortened it would feel less superfluous. But I admit I don't have hardly any knowledge of BET or these shows, and possibly for someone with a deeper knowledge of these shows, it might be more meaningful. So if you feel it is good as is, I won't insist—just letting you know my impression from my particular background. (Or maybe just clarify for the general reader how the similarity of the departures in the two shows is significant.) Moisejp (talk) 17:21, 29 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Removed. Aoba47 (talk) 23:07, 29 October 2017 (UTC)

I've read the rest of the article and nothing else jumps out at me. But did you see my note from 02:22, 29 October 2017? I think you have missed saving your second-to-last batch of edits. Moisejp (talk) 05:11, 30 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Could you be more specific? I think that all of my edits for the article have been saved. Thank you in advance. Aoba47 (talk) 05:49, 30 October 2017 (UTC)
 * "Media commentators also panned the character's representation as a mother, such as her informed inability to properly care for her stepson." → "informed" is still present, though you said you removed it.
 * "While living in San Diego": Maybe try to find a way to avoid repeating "San Diego" here. Perhaps "While living there" → I didn't see any change to this text, though you said you revised it.
 * "Storylines frequently address her fears that Derwin will cheat on her with other women." → I see no change.
 * "She chooses to return to medical school rather than continue "life as a football girlfriend"." → I see no change.
 * For my final comment in this batch, I see you did make a change to mention the couple still have feelings for each other, and I think that part looks better now, thank you. Moisejp (talk) 06:18, 30 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you for pointing this out to me. I am not sure how I missed those and I apologize for my oversight. I have addressed all of them. Aoba47 (talk) 17:15, 30 October 2017 (UTC)

Support. My concerns are all addressed. Thank you. Moisejp (talk) 05:42, 31 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you as always. Have a great rest of your day. Aoba47 (talk) 06:05, 31 October 2017 (UTC)

Status Update
I would greatly appreciate a status update for this nomination when either of you have the time. Thank you in advance! Aoba47 (talk) 21:46, 31 October 2017 (UTC)
 * Since this appears to be ready for promotion, may I put something else up for FAC? Aoba47 (talk) 19:12, 3 November 2017 (UTC)
 * Hi Aoba, I'd agree this is probably close enough for you to start a new FAC. Cheers, Ian Rose (talk) 22:22, 3 November 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you! Hope you have a great rest of your day. Aoba47 (talk) 22:24, 3 November 2017 (UTC)

Coordinator comment: Can I just clarify one detail. "When discussing the transition to BET...": Presumably the show moved to BET at some point, but we never explicitly say so in this article. Just for smoothness (given that it mentions BET in the lead and we have this comment here), perhaps we should say something about this? Sarastro1 (talk) 17:31, 4 November 2017 (UTC)
 * Added a part to clarify this hopefully. Let me know if this information should be moved to a different section/part. Aoba47 (talk) 17:51, 4 November 2017 (UTC)

Another: "Despite her reservations, Brock Akil hired Mowry based on her strong work ethic and desire to be part of the series": Whose reservations? It isn't entirely clear. Sarastro1 (talk) 17:33, 4 November 2017 (UTC)
 * Revised. Aoba47 (talk)

Coordinator comment: Glancing through, I think the prose could stand a little tightening. Nothing too major. It would be great if could have a look. If not, I might give it a quick once over myself but I would then have to recuse. Sarastro1 (talk) 18:08, 5 November 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you for the note, and it is always good to have another set of eyes to look over the prose so I appreciate either you or Corinne doing it. Have a wonderful rest of your day. Aoba47 (talk) 18:15, 5 November 2017 (UTC)
 * I believe that Corinne has completed their copy-edits of the article. Aoba47 (talk) 20:56, 6 November 2017 (UTC)

Sarastro1 (talk) 23:03, 6 November 2017 (UTC)
 * The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. No further edits should be made to this page.