Wikipedia:Peer review/2012 Summer Olympics bids/archive1

2012 Summer Olympics bids
I recently fixed this page up from the semi-mess that it was in to the state it is currently in. It received GA status not too long ago, and I'm looking to see what more I should do with it before possibly nominating it for FA. I think all the content is there (although I may be wrong) but I'm probably looking more for organization, etc. Please comment as much or as little as you want on anything you want. └ Jared ┘┌ talk ┐&ensp; 18:37, 19 March 2007 (UTC)

Comments by JHMM13
This article looks really nice and I congratulate you for your good job. Here are a few issues I can see right off the bat without reading it through: This is all I've got right now. If I have time, I'll come back and read it thoroughly to help you out.  JHMM13  22:38, 22 March 2007 (UTC)
 * 1) Try to incorporate the title of the article somewhere into the first paragraph better than it currently is. Here is my suggestion, but you can do another one, obviously. Also, I don't think you need to mention that London is in the UK. If it's good enough for Wikipedia to directly link to London, UK when you type London into the search bar, it's good enough to be on a first-name basis with the city for the FA.
 * Five cities made the shortlist with their bids to host the 2012 Summer Olympics (formally known as the Games of the XXX Olympiad), which were awarded to London on July 6, 2005.
 * 1) The lead could probably be a little longer encompassing some more of the general information from the article. Mention something about the controversies that show up later in the article.
 * 2) The entire evaluation of applicant cities section could use a few references, even if the stuff is referenced in the articles you point to. Even if you just throw in a ref to the committee website, that's good enough.
 * 3) Reference the "Final selection process" paragraphs
 * 4) "Potential applicant cities" needs to be referenced more.
 * 5) If you can, try to find some non internet references. It's been practically a year now, right? I'm sure some other info is out there or even primary sources like bid pamphlets or other such things.

Parutakupiu
Hi, Jared! Let's see what I can find that can be target of improvement. At first, I really like the article layout and visual content (very colourful and graphical).


 * Lead:
 * 1) As per JHHM13, try to adjust the first paragraph so that the article's title is displayed in a better way. Try moving the 3rd sentence, which begins with "The bids for the 2012 Olympics...", to the first sentence, turning it into "The bids for the 2012 Summer Olympics were...". Not only the tight and multiple-round voting but also the global importance of the five candidate cities (four capital cities!) accounted for this exciting election.
 * 2) Take off the bold from "Games of the XXX Olympiad", since the article isn't exactly about the games itself (it would be correct if this was 2012 Summer Olympics).
 * 3) IOC is not linked on the first instance.
 * 4) "...which were awarded to London (United Kingdom), on 6 July 2005." → remove date because it's again mentioned below, together with the 117th Session.
 * 5) Second paragraph → "...the top five progressed to the shortlist, becoming official candidate cities" (suggestion). Also, mention which were the other 4 cities that didn't make it.
 * 6) How about mentioning that London won over Paris by only 4 votes? This strengthens the competitive feeling of this election.
 * 7) "frontrunner" → front-runner.
 * 8) In general, expand the lead, taking more information from the article (e.g. controversies).


 * Evaluation of applicant cities
 * 1) "...application for the 2012 Summer Olympic Games..." → 2012 Summer Olympic Games.
 * 2) "The five highest-rated candidates..." → applicant cities (only candidates after shortlisted).
 * 3) "...granted the right to use the Olympic flame and Olympic rings imagery in their campaign literature." → isn't it only the Olympic rings and the expression "Candidate City/Ville Candidate"?


 * Evaluation of candidate cities
 * 1) "...submitted their candidate file..." → candidature file.
 * 2) Link "International Olympic Committee" only on the previous section, and unlink further instances. Same goes for the candidate cities.
 * 3) "set-backs" → setbacks.
 * 4) "IOC member" → IOC member.


 * Final selection process
 * 1) Try this for the first sentence → "On July 6, 2005, the IOC assembled at the Raffles City Convention Centre, in Singapore, on occasion of 117th IOC Session, where the 2012 Summer Olympics host city would be elected.".
 * 2) Unlink "One Voice, One Rhythm, One World" if you think it won't be created soon. (I don't think it's notable enough for that).
 * 3) Format hours as per WP:DATE and put references for this section.

This is enough, for now. I'll read the rest and return here with more comments.  Parutakupiu  talk 17:11, 23 March 2007 (UTC)