Wikipedia:Peer review/Al Pollard/archive1

===Al Pollard=== This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I want to bring it to FA. It may be a bit short, but there was not a great deal of material on him.

Thanks, ~  EDDY  ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 00:38, 20 October 2010 (UTC)

It is still open and located at Peer review/Al Pollard/archive1.
 * Comments from Jappalang


 * Dablinks (tool in the box on the right of this peer review page) shows a disambiguation link; please fix it.
 * Done. ~  EDDY  ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 00:21, 3 November 2010 (UTC)

Lede Early life and high school
 * "In his 1950 season, he was Army's statistical leader in scoring and rushing, ..."
 * No mention of "Army". Who are they?  The US army's football squad, or a team in college football?
 * Clarified. ~  EDDY  ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 00:23, 3 November 2010 (UTC)
 * "He was drafted in the 21st round of the 1951 NFL Draft by the New York Yanks, ..."
 * Precision (avoid misunderstanding that the drafts were held by the Yanks): "He was drafted by the New York Yanks in the 21st round of the 1951 NFL Draft, ..."
 * Done. ~  EDDY  ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 00:26, 3 November 2010 (UTC)
 * "now known as the ..."
 * Precision (avoid "now" constructs): "later known as the ..."
 * Done. ~  EDDY  ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 00:28, 3 November 2010 (UTC)
 * "Back in Pennsylvania, Pollard was a color commentator on Eagles broadcasts, ..."
 * While he was still in Canada? Was he in two places at once, or when did he return to Pennsylvania (what happened to his Canadian businesses)?
 * Clarified, hopefully. ~  EDDY  ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 04:59, 7 November 2010 (UTC)
 * Single mother (judging from the last name and omission of father)? So who was his father?  What was his childhood like?
 * I don't know. Scanning through newspaper archives, I can only tell who his mom was. ~  EDDY  ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 04:59, 7 November 2010 (UTC)
 * "... he excelled at executing T-formations."
 * What is a "T-formation"?
 * Linked it. ~  EDDY  ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 05:06, 7 November 2010 (UTC)
 * "... he scored 23 touchdowns and gained 1,772 yards."
 * Touchdown might be familiar to non-US readers, but can gaining yards be described with simpler terms (or briefly explained).
 * Added a link to hopefully clarify. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 01:34, 16 November 2010 (UTC)
 * "This earned him ..."
 * Precision: "These achievements earned him ..."
 * Done. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 01:38, 16 November 2010 (UTC)
 * "... since Glenn Davis left Bonita High ..."
 * You might want to append a "[an award-winning football player]" after Glenn Davis to make it clear to readers; otherwise you risk losing them as they click on the link and remain at Glenn Davis, never coming back.
 * Done. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 19:00, 21 November 2010 (UTC)

Loyola Army National Football League Western Interprovincial Football Union References Image
 * "... where he played under Red Blaik."
 * Clarify (I initially thought Blaik was captain, until later in the paragraph): "... where he played under coach Red Blaik."
 * Done. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 19:03, 21 November 2010 (UTC)
 * "Not heavily recruited by major colleges, ..."
 * This seems contradictory to the preceding Zimmerman quote... Why then should Zimmerman's quote be used (per WP:FRINGE)?
 * Removed. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 19:07, 21 November 2010 (UTC)
 * "... where high school coach William H. Sargent would be coaching."
 * "... where high school coach William H. Sargent was coaching."
 * Not changing this, as Sargent came to Loyola when Pollard came to Loyola. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 19:07, 21 November 2010 (UTC)
 * "... most glamourous of all of them."
 * "All of" is redundant.
 * Removed. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 01:31, 29 November 2010 (UTC)
 * "... his redshirt freshman campaign, ..."
 * What does "redshirt" mean?
 * Linked it. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 20:25, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "... and he dropped out of Loyola on February 18, 1949. This decision was seen as a surprise to Loyola officials, as he said that he simply needed rest."
 * The last part does not seem to flow with its preceding clause. Saying "he simply needed reset" was a surprise?  Furthermore, "was seen as a surprise to" can be replaced with "surprised".
 * Changed to "This decision surprised Loyola officials; Pollard said he simply needed rest." ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 20:54, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "While at Army, ..."
 * Again, if it is the name of the military academy's team, it should be made known.
 * This has been made abundantly clear. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 20:55, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "... he and several other friends of Pollard frequently helped each other ..."
 * These friends of Pollard "helped each other" would mean that they only help members of that clique (excluding Pollard and other members of the team). Is that the intended phrasing?
 * Yes. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 20:55, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "a scout for that team said ..."
 * "a scout for the latter team said ..."
 * Done. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 21:10, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "The AP praised ..."
 * Who is the AP? If abbreviations are used, they should have been appended to their full name on first mention per the Manual of Style.
 * Spelled out. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 21:16, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * Why is Red Blaik linked twice in the same subsection?
 * Delinked. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 21:50, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "... because of a cribbing scandal."
 * What is "cribbing"?
 * It is linked. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 21:55, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "... athletict director ..."
 * Typo?
 * Fixed. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 22:00, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "... the Fighting Irish had not accepted transfers ..."
 * Clarify who are the Fighting Irish.
 * Done. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 22:02, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "Paul Myerberg of the New York Times subsequently named him the fifth best player from Army to play in the NFL."
 * When? Before Pollard even played in the NFL?
 * Moved to NFL section. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 22:05, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "The brawl erupted in the fourth quarter, with San Francisco's Charley Powell squaring off against Pollard."
 * Noun plus -ing construct (see User:Tony1/Noun plus -ing): "The brawl erupted in the fourth quarter; San Francisco's Charley Powell squared off against Pollard."
 * Reworded. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 22:07, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "In September 1954, he heard his minutes would be slashed, ..."
 * What does this mean?
 * This needs no explanation. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 22:13, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "He escaped the legal tangle ..."
 * "Escaped" is over-sensational; "avoided" is better.
 * Done. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 22:15, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "When considering joining the Western Interprovincial Football Union (now Canadian Football League), Pollard reported being given a good deal of propaganda to turn him away."
 * What does this mean?
 * This needs no explanation. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 22:17, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "He was picked up by the British Columbia Lions of the WIFU, with whom he played for until 1956."
 * How can he play for them when he "never officially [signed] with another team again"?
 * This is complicated. He played on teams without having an official contract. He was still paid, but neither party had any obligations to each other. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 22:20, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * "... and quit due to health problems."
 * Precision: "... and stopped his football career due to health problems."
 * Done. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 22:49, 26 December 2010 (UTC)
 * Subscription sites such as ProQuest should be noted with "Subscription required" or such in the Format field.
 * Done. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 00:36, 27 December 2010 (UTC)
 * How is databaseFootball.com a reliable source? Please refer to Wikipedia Signpost/2008-06-26/Dispatches and Wikipedia Signpost/2008-07-28/Dispatches on how reliability is generally determined.
 * "We provide you with statistics, awards, history, and more on every player and team to have played in the NFL, AFL, AAFC, and APFA. We want to make this the most comprehensive pro football destination on the internet. If you have any information that you'd like to add or anything you want us to add, please send us a message here." ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 00:36, 27 December 2010 (UTC)
 * File:Al Pollard 1951.jpg
 * The project allows non-free image to identify a dead subject if no free replacements are available. That said, I doubt this image, though it might qualify for use as a non-free content, is of use.  You cannot see the features of the subject at all.  Furthermore "Al Pollard Makes Pro Debut, Los Angeles Times" is quite insufficient as a source.  Please provide the exact date of edition and page number if possible.  Why not use this football card instead?
 * I added the football card, but I was told they were heavily copyrighted and it was unwise to use them. I updated the source information. ~  EDDY  ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 18:19, 29 October 2010 (UTC)

I am worried during my read of this article; the achievements of the player do not match the glowing appraisals (often from newspaper tidbits). This creates a discordant effect since each section is punctuated by those glowing statements, only to read the facts that his performance was dismal, leading to his less than stellar pick order, pay and tenure of play.

If the target is FA, then I would find the article lacking for the subject's personal ideology. Not knowing his thoughts and personality, I would not know the man and thus this article in my view, fails the comprehensive standard asked for at FAC. Jappalang (talk) 02:36, 27 October 2010 (UTC)
 * Now you're being nitpicky. A "personality" section is not required at FAC. ~ EDDY  ( talk / contribs )~ 00:36, 27 December 2010 (UTC)