Wikipedia:Peer review/Alexa McDonough/archive1

Alexa McDonough
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because the article is stable, seems to be stuck at B-level, and I would like to get it to at least a Good-level article, in preparation for a Feature-level article. Looking for comments on tone, style, and anything else that needs fixing.

Thanks, Abebenjoe (talk) 19:42, 13 May 2012 (UTC)

The nominator stated on my talk page that FAC was an eventual goal, so if this review seems nitpicky, that's why ;-). Feel free to respond here, I've got this page watchlisted. Nikkimaria (talk) 22:25, 13 May 2012 (UTC) This is excellent, useful criticism. Thank you, it is exactly what I was looking for.--Abebenjoe (talk) 16:43, 14 May 2012 (UTC)
 * Comments from Nikkimaria
 * Lead section should be at least two paragraphs for an article of this size, and probably three would be better
 * Make sure the article would pass a paraphrasing/verifiability spotcheck (I haven't done this)
 * Picture is appropriately licensed, though it'd be nice to have a second
 * Make sure ranges use endashes
 * "He served as the first research director for the NDP's predecessor" - provincially or federally?
 * Does she have siblings?
 * "sociology and psychology Bachelor of Arts degree" - would usually see "Bachelor of Arts degree in sociology and psychology"
 * "the same politician that she once supported back in 1970" - having both "once" and "back" is redundant
 * Make sure that the article is accessible to non-Canadians - wikilink Cape Breton Island, link or spell out MLA, etc
 * "one of the dominate issues" - do you mean "dominant"?
 * "convention was convened" - the repetition is repetitive, as with "moved a motion" later. Check throughout
 * McEachern or MacEachern?
 * visitors gallery or visitor's gallery?
 * Check use of commas before "and" - needed sometimes, but not always. In general, you have too many commas rather than too few
 * "that permeated within Nova Scotia's politics" - not sure "within" is needed here
 * "the province's entrenched patronage system" - can you elaborate?
 * "did not rub-off" -> "did not extend"? Be careful of using language that is too colloquial
 * "made her the longest-serving leader of a major political party" - in general, when making statements of this type, ensure that your frame of reference is clear. In this instance, for example, I think you mean in Nova Scotia?
 * "Under Audrey McLaughlin's leadership, the party suffered its worst defeat since the late 1950s, in terms of seats, when it was then called the CCF" - the bit about the CCF needs to be rephrased or moved, as right now it isn't clear which part of the sentence that's referring to
 * Be very careful about tone and making statements like "a divided party that was self-immolating"
 * "She would continue to win it consecutively three more times" - rephrase for concision
 * Watch for comma splices
 * "there were calls for party renewal, again" - suggest moving "again" before "calls"
 * "Some party activists perceived that the NDP had moved to the centre of the political spectrum and wanted to change that by bringing in social/political activists outside of the parliamentary process" - not entirely sure what this means, can you clarify?
 * "limiting how much control Labour Unions had in the party" - why the caps?
 * Don't space emdashes
 * "The issue that highlighted McDonough's federal leadership, occurred during the twilight of her career: the fight against the Islamophobia and general anti-Arab sentiment that swept through Canada and the United States in the wake of the 9/11 attacks in September 2001" - edit for concision and clarity
 * "She led the charge" and elsewhere - avoid cliched language
 * Wikilink Canada's secret service to CSIS?
 * Use hyphens for adjectives involving amounts, for example "one-year appointment"
 * Don't use commas between month and year
 * Too many commas!
 * "It was announced on December 30, 2009, that she will be appointed..." - given the date, presumably this has already happened? If so, update; if not, explain why
 * Use "p." for single pages, "pp." for multiple
 * Use a consistent date format
 * Be consistent in how you format CBC refs
 * External link title should use dash not hyphen
 * Given her prominence as a pioneering female politician, is she now asked to make speeches for various events?
 * Citation for Baptist faith?
 * Why the caps on Social Worker in infobox?
 * When did she marry? Nikkimaria (talk) 22:25, 13 May 2012 (UTC)