Wikipedia:Peer review/Already Gone (Kelly Clarkson song)/archive2

Already Gone (Kelly Clarkson song)
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because… it recently went through an unsuccessful FAC. An unregistered user identified some problems but I addressed those. Everything else was addressed and it even had some support, it just didn't receive enough reviewers. Please help me identify any remaining problems the article may have, and suggest things I can do to make it more appealing or reviewable at FAC.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, Matthewedwards : Chat  23:40, 16 July 2010 (UTC)

Note to nominator: Due to a shortage of reviewers, peer reviews are being delayed for up to two weeks. It will help to speed things up if you can find time to review one article from the backlog list, which appears on the WP:PR page. Thanks. Brianboulton (talk) 16:48, 20 July 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: My main suggestion is to reduce the emphasis and the amount of space devoted to the controversy. I think this would make the article more balanced and would be more inviting to readers whose main interest may be in the song rather than the background arguments and hurt feelings. I checked a few of the contemporary song articles at WP:FA, and they are generally short and to the point. See All You Need Is Love (The JAMs song), or Déjà Vu (Beyoncé Knowles song) for example. I think this article might attract more support if it were more concise in the lead and in the first section. Here are a few other thoughts:

Lead
 * "Shots of floating objects intersperse a second scene with Clarkson wearing a black dress and singing in a rehearsal room while being surrounded by an invisible orchestra playing instruments." - "With" plus "-ing" is a bit awkward. Suggestion: "Shots of floating objects intersperse a second scene in which Clarkson, wearing a black dress, sings in a rehearsal room while surrounded by the instruments of an invisible orchestra." (I haven't seen the video, but I'm assuming from what you've written that the instruments are visible even though the people playing them are invisible. Is that correct?)


 * "Despite her dissatisfaction with the song being released as a single... " - Suggestion: "Despite her dissatisfaction with the song's release as a single... ".


 * "The "grandiose admissions of vulnerability" that Clarkson conveys have been described as "an emotional wallop" and "near perfect" in Entertainment Weekly, Atlantic City Weekly and About.com, and reviewers in the Chicago Tribune and The Huffington Post said that Tedder's arrangement made the song a "timeless" and "extravagant ballad". - Noting that the question of to cite or not to cite direct quotations in the lead arose during the article's first FAC, I'd suggest ducking the problem by using paraphrase in the lead. Suggestion: "Critics have praised the song for its expressions of vulnerability, its emotional impact, and its successful use of the ballad form." Or something like that.

Background and release
 * My impression is that this section is too long considering that the controversy is about a relatively small matter and probably will have a very short half-life. Readers may get stuck here because the controversy gets big play in the lead, and really big play in the first section. I'd consider eliminating the quote boxes and the quotes within them and condensing the remaining material. I think this section would be better if it was about half of its current size. I'd also consider giving slightly more emphasis in the lead to the lower sections and slightly less to the controversy by reducing the number of words devoted to the controversy.


 * "Clarkson tried to have the song removed from All I Ever Wanted, but it was too late to make any changes; the album was already being pressed and it was too late to make any changes to the tracklisting." - Re-write to eliminate repetition of "too late to make any changes".


 * "She confronted him for using the same arrangement... " - "Confronted him about" rather than "confronted him for"?

Music video
 * "the scenes are interspersed by slow-motion shots of falling champagne glasses" - "Interspersed with" rather than "interspersed by"?

References
 * ""Already Gone"" - Just one set of quotation marks in citation 1.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. I don't generally check corrections after my reviews because it's too time-consuming. Please ping me on my talk page if my comments are unclear or if questions arise. Finetooth (talk) 17:11, 26 July 2010 (UTC)