Wikipedia:Peer review/Aquaria (video game)/archive1

Aquaria (video game)
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like to take it to FAC like a previous indie game article I wrote, Flower (video game). It's already GA, but i went through and revamped it a bit for FAC, and I'd like some fresh eyes to look at it. I generally need a bit of help on the copy-editing front, so if anyone could look at that I'd be especially grateful. Thanks! -- Pres N  19:56, 1 July 2010 (UTC)
 * Comment I am not really qualified to review the article. Here are a few comments that may help.
 * Lead
 * "... Bit Blot, composed of Alec Holowka and Derek Yu.", designed by?
 * Mmm, Bit Blot the company is composed of the two designers.
 * Windows is spelled out and wikilinked but Mac is not
 * Fixed.
 * When was the Linux version released?
 * Fixed.
 * Gameplay
 * The lead says "Aquaria is a 2D sidescrolling computer game" but the first sentence of the gameplay begins "Aquaria is an action-adventure game, ..."?
 * Fixed.
 * Part of the first paragraph seems to conflict with the second thus "... many of which Naija can interact with." and "... Naija cannot interact directly with objects in the world."?
 * Fixed.
 * I think you could say a little more about Li in the gameplay section (Li is mentioned once there) and we do not find out who Li is until later (Plot)
 * Fixed.
 * In general, I found the un-quantified words such as "several", "many", "some", "in general", "series", "different", "others". "various" distracting. I found myself wanting more concrete information. As I said, I am not qualified to review, so I do not know if, in this context, quantifying things is classed as a spoiler.
 * Tried to clean up a bit; the concern is not spoilers but useless specification which would overemphasize trivial details.
 * Plot
 * We seem to refer alternatively to "the player" and "Naija" but they are the same person? This is not clear.
 * Naija is the character, you are the player. The plot happens to her, but the actions are taken by the player.
 * Balance. One paragraph on the game as a whole and two paragraphs on the end-game?
 * True, I'll work on that. Most of the plot is condensed in the end of the game, as there's no set order to drive the narrative until then.
 * Again, are we in danger of a spoiler here or do we need a spoiler warning?
 * Spoiler warnings are not used in Wikipedia, and have not been for years.
 * Development
 * "... on other freeware games." implies Aquaria is freeware? It is or it is not. If it is, this should be mentioned in the lead too.
 * That was a reference to the freeware games he worked on before Aquaria, but it was confusing.
 * How the game is controlled by the user should be introduced earlier. For example, you say in development "The game was developed to be able to be controlled by the player with only the mouse, after it was suggested by Yu's father. The developers felt that this control scheme forced them to make the gameplay fluid and easy to grasp, though they also added the option to control the game with a keyboard or Xbox 360 controller.". This is the first time we are aware how the game is controlled.
 * Fixed.
 * Reception
 * This section seems well researched and is an easy read
 * Thanks!
 * Generally
 * Is there online support for the game in any way, such as help, cheats, user-groups?
 * Mmm, there's the official forums, I guess, but you get there off of the official site, linked to in the external links section.
 * I have not checked the images, nor the references
 * --Senra (talk) 18:32, 11 July 2010 (UTC)
 * Thank you very much! I've made follow-up comments in-line with yours as I address the points. -- Pres N  15:34, 12 July 2010 (UTC)
 * I noticed you had made changes. I enjoyed the article. I am sorry I cannot be of much more help. I did not remove the article from the backlog list, so I hope a more qualified reviewer turns up. In the meantime, good luck --Senra (talk) 19:15, 12 July 2010 (UTC)
 * As an aside, I still think the article would benefit from a community section where such things as walkthroughs, cheats, and hints can be mentioned. Not as a list, or in any detail, but as prose comparing the Aquaria community with other similar games. Just my opinion. Have fun --Senra (talk) 19:24, 12 July 2010 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: I agree with all of Senra's comments above and think s/he has done a fine peer review. Thanks for your work on this article, here are some more suggestions for improvement. It sounds like a very interesting game. Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 04:36, 13 July 2010 (UTC)
 * I think the first sentence is still confusing - would it be clearer as something like ''Aquaria is a 2D sidescrolling action-adventure computer game designed by Alec Holowka and Derek Yu, who together form the independent game company Bit Blot, which developed and originally published the game.
 * A model article is useful for ideas and examples to follow - there are many FAs on video and computer games. One thing I would look at is how they handle references to the player - I found the phrases "the player ... they/them" distracting as player is singular and they/them is plural - for example in During the course of the game, the player learns songs that allow them to transform Naija into different forms.
 * The article should be consistent on how it refers to forms Naija transforms into - most are in quotes, but not in this In nature form, Naija is not harmed by thorns on any plants. 
 * Problem sentence Most of the dishes can be cooked only from two ingredients, which can be done anywhere, but some more complicated dishes that require three ingredients need to be cooked in a kitchen, found only in specific areas. I understand what it means, but the prose is a bit awkward, and it needs a ref.
 * Direct quote needs a ref at the end of the sentence As the game opens, Naija has lost almost all her memories, and is unaware of the world outside of her home as she "lives as a feral creature".
 * I think this needs a copy edit - one way to do this is to print out the article, not look at it for a few days, and then read it out loud slowly. As an example of what needs polish, this is awkward and I am not really sure what it means The player is told this in voice-over narrations purportedly by Naija herself from the perspective of after the events of the game are over. or this sentence has three create words in it which is a bit much - The Creator, after creating Aquaria, created a series of civilizations, making a new one in turn when each one was destroyed.
 * The plot is told mostly from an in-universe perspective. Please read WP:IN-U and try to make it more from an out-of-universe perspective. For example in plot, at what point does the gameplay begin and what is told as a little movie before this (I am not a gamer, forget what this little movie to give needed information is called).
 * Avoid vague time terms like "to date" or current(ly) - it is better to use specific years like "As of 2010" or "since YEAR' - see for example Aquaria is the studio's only game to date.[1] - thinks like this can get out of date quickly, so saying as of 2010 is clearer (still true even if they release a new game next year).