Wikipedia:Peer review/Avalanche Studios/archive1

Avalanche Studios
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I am trying to push this to GAN, but I am a bit afraid that the article may not be entirely ready for it. I would like to hear more advice/suggestions/feedback on how to further improve the article.

Thanks, AdrianGamer (talk) 08:21, 23 July 2015 (UTC)

Comments from RO

 * Lead
 * Avalanche Studios focuses on developing open world projects and bases their projects on the Avalanche Engine
 * If possible, copyedit to remove one of the "projects".


 * Forming after the collapse of Rock Solid Games
 * The proper verb here is "formed", not "forming"


 * the studio had expanded from six members to two-hundred and fifty staff members 
 * No need for past perfect (omit "had"), and per MOS:NUMERAL, all numbers that require three words to describe ought to be in numerals. So "two-hundred and fifty" ought to be 250.


 * open-world 
 * The first occurrence of "open world" is not hyphenated. Make consistent depending on the proper convention.


 * History
 * There are three instances of the word "Worked" in the first three sentences. Since it's a bit repetitive, copyedit at least one of them out.
 * Titled Tremors: The Game, the game is a survival horror game 
 * Same as above, but with the word "game".


 * However, the agreement between the two companies 
 * In general, it's best to avoid use of "however" in encyclopedic writing. I used to use it a lot, and I learned to avoid it when writing here.


 * They eventually decided to restart in 2003, establishing Avalanche Studios with six other employees
 * Should this be "reestablishing"?


 * They ultimately decided upon "Avalanche" as the company's name.[4] 
 * Since you give some background that this was a WWII term, it might be nice to know what it meant or stood for.


 * Sundberg considered Just Cause to be the "DNA of the studio" and "a center point of the studio", since it was the first game developed by them.[9]
 * I'd combine these two quote fragments: "Sundberg considered Just Cause to be the 'DNA' and 'center point of the studio', since it was the first game developed by them.[9]"


 * In May 2009, 20 more employees were fired
 * Were they fired or layed-off?


 * 2012-2015
 * Per WP:DATERANGE, this ought to be 2012–15.


 * In 2012, the development of Mad Max began
 * It would be better to state in the topic sentence that this game was an Avalanche creation.


 * Avalanche Studios teased several new projects
 * Not sure about the use of "Teased" here.


 * While Mad Max is being developed by Avalanche's studio in Stockholm, the New York division is working on Just Cause 3
 * There is kind of an odd tense shift here. Why not, "While Mad Max was being developed by Avalanche's studio in Stockholm, the New York division was working on Just Cause 3"?


 * Just Cause series
 * He returned as a normal citizen of Medici
 * What's meant by "normal"?


 * a popular game among players; over 2 million players played 
 * Copyedit for variation, as there are too many "plays" in this text.


 * stated that he considered Just Cause a franchise that was huge enough to "stand side by side" with other iconic Square Enix franchises
 * "Huge" is not encyclopedic or properly descriptive.


 * Mad Max
 * Mad Max is the first AAA title to be developed by Avalanche Studios 
 * Casual readers might not understand what is meant by AAA.


 * Other projects
 * Make sure the material in this section that pertains to theHunter isn't repetitive with earlier material.
 * a God of War-style[61] open world fantasy game 
 * Make the hyphenation of open world consistent.


 * Philosophy
 * Starting from Avalanche Studios' inception, the company's primary focus is to create open world sandbox games,
 * Per Manual of Style/Linking, this term should be linked once in the lead and once again on the first occurrence in the article body. You seem to have linked to it each time it occurs.


 * While the Just Cause franchise represents the center point of the studio
 * You already described it as the "center point" in quotes, so unless this is typical industry jargon avoid repeating it here.


 * Sundberg described the company as a "family-driven" company.
 * Drop the last "company".

This is a good piece of work, with decent writing throughout. I'd scan it over for repetition and wordiness, such as a few of the above examples. Overall, it's a good article that was enjoyable to read. It would be nice to have a few pictures though, but I don't know if free ones are available. Nicely done; keep up the great work! RO (talk) 22:03, 13 August 2015 (UTC)
 * Conclusion


 * - Thank you very much. I have fixed most of your concerns. I don't really know what Avalanche actually means, probably Operation Avalanche but I am not really sure about that. I have tried to find images of the two founders but I cannot really find any that is suitable to use. Anyway, thank you once again for writing the review. AdrianGamer (talk) 03:59, 14 August 2015 (UTC)