Wikipedia:Peer review/Ayaan Hirsi Ali/archive1

Ayaan Hirsi Ali
This is a Good Article which has received a lot of work since its GA rating. I think it is well on the way to the FA process, but what do other people think? Any specific concerns or general comments appreciated. Metamagician3000 00:44, 24 March 2007 (UTC)
 * For FA, it'll need "Retrieved..." dates on all the web references. See today's featured article on the main page for examples.-- Z leitzen (talk)  08:08, 24 March 2007 (UTC)
 * Thanks for that. Good point - I'll put it on my "to do" list. Metamagician3000 09:53, 24 March 2007 (UTC)
 * The article has a number of "citation needed" templates and a wikified template that need to be resolved, I'll see if I can help some of those soon. Note, I'm the author of Infidel (book), but I haven't worked on this article on a while. JACO  PLANE  &bull; 2007-04-7 10:54

Review by Awadewit
This is a nice article. I'm glad that someone is writing it since I have a feeling a lot of people will be looking at it with the recent release of her autobiography. Here are my suggestions.
 * When she was six, her family fled the country for Saudi Arabia, later moving to Ethiopia and then to Kenya, where they obtained political asylum. - Please briefly explain why her family was forced to flee.
 * In Kenya, she attended the English-language Muslim Girls' Secondary School in Nairobi under sponsorship of the UNCHR. - probably best to spell out the acronym as well as link to it
 * Following the invasion by the secular nation of Iraq of the Islamic republic of Iran, and under the influence of a charismatic religious teacher, she became a more religious Muslim, sympathized with the Islamist Muslim Brotherhood, and wore a hijab together with her school uniform. Too much information in one sentence - break it up.
 * She welcomed the fatwa against British writer Salman Rushdie following the publication of his controversial novel The Satanic Verses. - I wonder about the use of the word "welcomed"; the sources say "supported." The connotations are slightly different in my opinion.
 * from whence it was planned she would join her husband in Canada - "from whence" is a bit formal
 * Others have disputed the story of her forced marriage - is it possible to characterize these others as a distinct group, such as her family, or not?
 * After a brief stay in Germany, she decided, in order to escape the marriage, to go to the Netherlands, since she had a distant female relative there who she felt would help her. - awkwardly phrased
 * frequently coming in contact with Somali women in asylum centres, hostels for battered women (an experience that marked her deeply) - Please explain how these experiences affected her.
 * She saw firsthand the way certain practices she thought she had left behind in Africa continued in the West. - What practices in particular?
 * After earning a master's degree in political science - from which university?
 * During this period, she began to formulate her critique of Islamic culture - "Islamic culture" or "Islam"?
 * During this period, she began to formulate her critique of Islamic culture, published many news articles, and became a frequent speaker on television news programs and public debate forums, and she then wrote up her ideas in a book entitled De Zoontjesfabriek (The Son Factory). - parallelism problems
 * In November 2002, after some disagreements with the PvdA about her security measures, she sought advice from Cisca Dresselhuys, the editor of the feminist magazine Opzij. - advice about what?
 * Because of her statements regarding the Islamic prophet Muhammad in a Trouw interview - might you cite the statements?
 * Sometimes the article uses "Koran" and sometimes "Qu'ran." Pick a spelling!
 * Perhaps you could quote some reviews of or reactions to Submission?
 * The program also presented evidence that she was untruthful about the main reason for her asylum application being forced marriage. - awkwardly phrased
 * However, several sources, including her first book The Son Factory, which had been published in 2002, stated her real name and date of birth - could you cite this source in the footnotes, then?
 * At times the article refers to her as "Hirsi Ali" and at times as "Ali." I believe it is supposed to be "Hirsi Ali."
 * Dick Pels describes her as an exponent of what he refers to as liberal fundamentalism, claiming "This ideology is similar to orthodox Islam in the sense that it thinks its perspective is superior and all people should be forced to have it. He thinks the way these liberal fundamentalists try to debate with Islam, by taunting and insulting them, is not constructive. They only deteriorate the relations between migrants and native Dutch people." - I'm not sure that this is the best quotation to use - it describes the rhetoric of liberal fundamentalists, as Pels sees it, not the values of liberal fundamentalism. The reader still doesn't know what the core values of liberal fundamentalism are after reading this quote.
 * Hirsi Ali is very critical of the position of women in patriarchal Islamic societies and the punishments demanded by Islamic scholars for homosexuality and adultery. - This is somewhat oddly phrased - "very critical of the position of women" - how about "very critical of the way Islam attempts to instill patriarchy throughout all of society" or something like that
 * The second paragraph of "Circumcision" does not seem relevant to the topic of the section.
 * The "Social and political views" section seems to be divided into too many subsections - too many of them have just one or two sentences. Perhaps some of them could be combined such as "Islam" and "Mohammad" and "Preference for diverse viewpoints" and "Freedom of speech"?
 * The "Political opponents" section is disjointed. Perhaps this information could be integrated elsewhere?
 * The "Immigration" section repeats information from the biography section. Perhaps the new information could be merged with "Islam"?
 * Where are the quotes from in the "Israel and Palestine" section? This section should be more than a series of unattributed quotes!
 * I would list the awards first rather than the dates; this would make the awards themselves more prominent.
 * Perhaps you could mention in the biography section that she learned six languages - "Trivia" sections are generally frowned upon.
 * The "Bibliography" should be listed using a recognizable citation format like MLA style.
 * The footnotes should also all be cited consistently in one style with all of the requisite information. WP:FOOTNOTE
 * The "External Links" look a little long - can you prune them a bit?
 * I would suggest putting all of Hirsi Ali's works - her books, articles, films, etc. - into one easy-to-read spot, like the section labeled "Works."
 * In the infobox, someone has listed her "religious belief" as "atheism," but that is not a religious belief.
 * Any translations of the Dutch sources that are available would be appreciated for us non-Dutch speakers. Also, if the Dutch sources could be complemented with English sources, that would be good.
 * The article sometimes mixes American English and British English. It should be written either in one or the other.
 * This article needs to have more citations, particularly because it is about a living person and there are frequently contentious statements made about this person. I have added quite a few fact tags.
 * I would also suggest a quick copyedit to help tighten up the prose. Awadewit 04:54, 9 April 2007 (UTC)

More comments

 * The picture of the book needs a fair use rationale for use in this article.
 * The Trivia section should be incorporated in the article
 * The Awards section should comply with WP:EMBED Er rab ee 11:29, 13 April 2007 (UTC)

Thanks
I've been away for a week or so. Thanks for the responses while I was away. They are much appreciated and I'll deal with whatever I can of them as soon as possible. Metamagician3000 12:23, 14 April 2007 (UTC)