Wikipedia:Peer review/Azem Hajdari/archive1

Azem Hajdari
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I rebuild and expanded the whole article. I'm now intrested what others think of it.

Thanks, Vinie007 15:01, 30 May 2011 (UTC)

Comments by H1nkles

I commend you for your work on this article. I'll give you my input and I'll make some edits that won't be too controversial.

Lead
 * You want to put the fact that he was assassinated after all the deeds he did while he was still alive. It's a little out of place to say he was killed and then talk about his chairmanship of a commission.
 * See WP:LEAD for instructions on what should be included in the lead. To sum up the lead should be a summary of the entire article with all points in the body of the text in the lead.  I think the lead could be expanded a bit to fully summarize the article.

Background
 * One sentence paragraphs are frowned upon, I would either expand or combine it with the previous paragraph.
 * This section has no references. Every section should have references, and really every assertion of fact should be referenced.
 * I think this section could be expanded. Where was he born, who were his parents, did he have other family members?  Expand on his early relationship with Sali Berisha?  This obviously was a key connection in early post-Communist Albanian history.  Also this should be an early history section rather than a background.  You will cover the protests, and his assention to the party chairmanship later.  I would rename the section and eliminate the third level heading.  Third level headings should only exist if there is more than one, otherwise just put all the information under the second level heading.
 * I think this section could be expanded. Where was he born, who were his parents, did he have other family members?  Expand on his early relationship with Sali Berisha?  This obviously was a key connection in early post-Communist Albanian history.  Also this should be an early history section rather than a background.  You will cover the protests, and his assention to the party chairmanship later.  I would rename the section and eliminate the third level heading.  Third level headings should only exist if there is more than one, otherwise just put all the information under the second level heading.

Student protests
 * A one sentence section is not good. Please expand or fold into another section.
 * I know that there is an article on the fall of Communism in Albania. It is still ok to cover it in a summary style here.  With references of course.

'Attacks
 * What was the date of the attack on Hajdari, Minarolli, and Pollo? Also give Minarolli's first name.
 * No references for the Tropojë Attack.
 * It's also a one-sentence section. Why were they attacked?  Who attacked them?
 * The details of Hajdari's assassination are unclear.
 * On 9/18/97 he is shot five times over a dispute about value added tax.
 * Two days later he seriously injured when Mazreku shoots him several times. Huh?  He was shot 5 times and is back in parliament 2 days later?  How is that possible?
 * Who is Mazreku, as above give first and last names the first time you mention someone.


 * The order of your account is jumbled. You talk about the shootings and then about Mazreku's sentencing, and then you go back to give more specific details about the shooting.  The account should be given in chronological order.
 * Abbreviations like DP should be given only after spelling out what the abbreviation means first. If it's the Democratic Party then say Democratice Party (DP) so that readers know from then on what DP stands for.
 * Spread the references out, you have five references in a row and then nearly nothing. Make sure all assertions are referenced.
 * Be sure to convert all metric measurements to imperial measurements. See WP:UNIT for more on this.
 * We then move to Hajdari being shot again. What happened to him after he was shot by Mazreku?  We don't know any details.  The writing makes it sound like the poor guy was shot over and over again.  This needs to be clarified.
 * When was he assassinated? Why?
 * This sentence is a fragment, "His assassination in front of the headquarters of the Democratic Party in Tirana, by 3 males." Are you trying to say he was assassinated in front of the headquarters by 3 males?
 * Most numbers under ten should be written out rather than given a numerical value. In other words 3 should be three.
 * Ok more confusion, you say he was killed by three males but I count six, three from the building and three from a car. Was is three or six?
 * Another fragment sentence, "Then in opposition, triggered a two-day violent protest." Not sure what you're trying to say here.
 * More confusion, you say no one was convicted of the murder and then you say Jaho Mulosmani was sentence for the murder. Which one is it?
 * Several one sentence paragraphs should be combined and expanded.
 * See WP:LINK you only need to link the first mention of the term. Do not link every time you use the words.  For example Tirana and Democratic Party are linked multiple times.
 * I'm very confused by these sentences:
 * "I'll continue the battle from whatever cell they put me in, Sali Berisha said today, repeating comments he made before the vote to about 3,000 people in central Skanderbeg Square. I have decided to resist. I have decided not to negotiate."
 * Did Berisha say that today as in this very day? I doubt it, so remove today and put the date.
 * More importantly why is he talking about being in a cell? Why would he be imprisoned?  This doesn't make sense or there is missing information.
 * What is he resisting? What is he not negotiating about?  I don't understand what is being said here.

Political activity
 * See WP:LIST. Lists embedded in articles are discouraged.  Consider transforming these lists into prose.
 * No references here, there needs to be some.

References
 * It's very important that your references be consistent. Use templates like cite web or cite book.  This will help you make the references look the same.  For website refs you need a minimum of the title of the article, publisher and accessdate.
 * A google book reference should be fully spelled out with author's name, p. number, publisher info, date it was published, isbn.
 * Any websites in Albanian need to have a language notice on them.
 * Refs one and two are dead and should be fixed.

Overall
 * You've made great headway on this article and you should be commended for that. You couldn't get me to try and write about an American politician in Albanian so you should be commended for taking on this work.
 * There are quite a few things that need to be worked on.
 * The writing is rough and should be edited by someone versed in English prose and grammar.
 * As I stated above there's quite a bit of confusion in your details about the assassination, the various attempts on his life, and then the statements by Berisha. Those need to be clarified.
 * The lead should be expanded.
 * Many more references are need to fill in the details and make the article more credible.
 * Be more consistent with your referencing. Use those templates, it will make your life easier.


 * This concludes my review. I hope it was helpful.  Best of luck in your work.  If you have comments or questions please leave them on my talk page as I do not watch review pages.  Thanks.  H1nkles (talk) citius altius fortius 16:27, 2 June 2011 (UTC)